Coming out some more.

[princealbertofb]

Don't beat yourself up over this, Jared. Again the time wasn't right...You know, you could also just write them a letter? That's what I did. I can't remember if you've got a boyfriend, Jared, but maybe you're waiting to tell your parents before anything like a boyfriend can happen. Of course you'd like them to love you and love your boyfriend as well. I hope they see it that way.
I don't know how to interpret the fact that they haven't said anything to you about you being gay. Maybe they are too discreet, some parents are like that... or possibly they are suspecting but they don't even want to think of it... because it makes them unconfortable? Is sexuality something that was discussed in your household? I get the feeling that there's a whole education missing there.
For me, the courage to disclose at last was because my mother invited me down for a weekend. I told her I had a friend staying with me. She said: "you can bring your friend too". That was when I realised that I didn't want to have to pretend that he was just a friend nothing more. It was ridiculous, and most of all, it wasn't fair to my partner. So, I wrote her a letter. It took a great deal of courage and a good many tears for me to get through this, but in the end I reflected that all my mother wanted was for me to be happy, and this man was making me happy (still is: :tongue. Most parents only want their children to be fulfilled and happy and out of danger.
What exactly is it in coming out to your parents that you fear the most? (add as many options as you can think of, and maybe address each option).

[JaredEthan]

Thanks for the response princealbertofb. I don't have a boyfriend as yet. I thought it best to come out first as I thought it would be too much of a shock for my parents if I came out and introduced them to someone at the same time. I also didn't think it would be fair if I met someone and hid them away.
Sex and sexuality has never been discussed in my family. It's just not something my parents are comfortable talking about. My father tuts if there's a sex scene on tv and both of them go Eeeeww! if they see two guys kiss.
Another problem I have is that I have an older brother who hasn't spoken to my parents for about 15 years, and I don't want that to happen to me.
Thank again. Take Care.
Jared.

[princealbertofb]

Hello Jared, Here I am thinking that maybe your brother made the right choice to ignore his parents (for whatever reason he may have), if they are so obtuse as not to love their children unconditionally. It's not like you'll have changed from the person you are in a matter of seconds. I'm getting the impression that you so want them to understand and accept you, that you are living the way they want you to (sexlessly and lovelessly) just from sheer fear of disappointing them.

This is a message of tough love, Jared, I know, but you are so desperate to start living, maybe the boyfriend should come first. You're nearly 40, and maybe you are sensing that life is escaping you for something that you didn't do (it's like being in a wallless prison - it took me till I was 45, for reasons that are different from yours, I'm sure!!) I'm not convinced that the key to your salvation is in telling them, though you'd like to be able to be honest with them.

I'm now thinking that since you don't live under their own roof, they have no say in how you live your life and who you live it with. On a similar note, have you asked for their permission to have this or that friend? Did you ask for permission to buy your car?) Acceptance is one thing, their permission is another: it's not theirs to give. So, with that new resolve, give yourself time, forgiveness for future disappointments and the permission to live your life.

The worst case scenario: they may disapprove (ok that's a foregone conclusion and a given, mostly) and so too bad for them if they lose their loving son (they might get around to it) and quite honestly, there's not much difference with how it is now. Or they might tut tut, and then think that it's time you grew up and had a relationship and a loving partner.

By the way, it's not as if you can't refrain from kissing your future boyfriend or quite holding hands when you're around your parents, is it? Outward displays of affection might be kept for the privacy of your home, if they dislike it. The fact that they tut tut sex on tv and kisses between men means they think it ought to be private, that may be all.

Sorry you missed out on the sex education. Some of us, even the well educated, didn't get the talk about the men going with men as a possibility.