fed up with being pushed into a box

[Dville118]

ok.. I don't know if this is going to be verbose or graphic or offensive or what but I've been laying in bed trying to get to sleep and I'm so mad that I just can't.

I'm sick of being told who I am, and being forced into a box by arbitrary rules defined by other people.

OK.. so I'm gay.. I like guys.. I don't really like women, I can't see myself mating with one, living my life with one.. that doesn't change who I am, who I have been or who I will be.. right??

I guess it depends who you ask.. if you ask my mother yes absolutely it changes who I am and what I'm allowed to do and what I'm interested in and I suppose this "gay community" feels the same way.. even if it says it doesn't.

I'm "gay" I'm supposed to be this fashion oriented interior decorator.. to my parents.. and to the people around me.. bullshit.

To the gay community I'm supposed to be all inclusive and all accepting. I'm supposed to be ok with pride parades with public nudity and sex acts in them because they're a "celebration of my sexuality." I'm supposed to be godless because christians don't like gays and the bible says something in the old testament about a sin because NO ONE sins EVER.. just gays.. so I'm supposed to walk away from my religion that I've held my entire life just because of this.. because I realize something that's always been there.. I'm supposed to be a liberal because conservatives and republicans are evil and I'm supposed to support far left movements and spend my days surfing dailykos and salon.com, reading huffpo and listening to npr because the right wants to have me arrested and re-educated right? Bullshit..

I'm tired.. I'm DAMN tired of people telling me who the hell I am.. and who the hell I have to be. I didn't choose this and you all know that.. far better than anyone else that I may rant about this to. I'm tired of following directions from these people, I'm tired of being ashamed of this and I'm tired of being told that I should go worship at the alter of the "other side" of the cultural and political spectrum because of it. I HAVE NO CHANGED. I WILL NOT CHANGE. I will not be forced to become someone I'm not or be pushed in some direction that I didn't get to on my own accord simply because of this.

I don't like this so called "gay community" where sex is casual, relationships aren't committed, multiple partners at once that you DONT EVEN KNOW are perfectly fine and permissible, where public nudity and public sex are completely fine, where sex is on the 2nd date at the latest.. THAT IS NOT WHO I AM.

and if this means being alone for the rest of my life then so be it. .. I'll die alone and donate everything I've ever owned to a charity of some sort.

The word IS JUST A WORD it does not make me who I am, or who I am not, or suddenly change my interests. I don't go from wanting to work on cars and be in the automotive community to reading romance novels in bed and asking my partner "what are you thinking?" It doesn't mean I'm suddenly interested in knitting or shopping or any of that shit like my mother seems to think. It doesn't even mean anything negative AND I WILL NOT BE LECTURED that saying/implying that someone is gay is somehow insulting them, or somehow dishonoring their family.

Ya know.. this isn't something I can just escape by moving, or by separating myself from the people I know.. this is a cultural subset. The only culture that CLAIMS it wants to accept me is the very culture that I cannot get along with. I will not renounce my faith, or my beliefs because of this. I will not let someone else tell me who I have to be.. and I am embarrassed and disgusted by the fact that I am represented in the public eye by people who would do the things I've said herein, and would by these actions create a divide between me and the culture that I share with my friends and family.

How can I come to my parents, my friends, my family, and tell them who I am, when they immediately picture some asshole wearing only his prince albert walking down the streets of my parents small southern town waiving a rainbow flag in MY name?!?

People have accused me of being a betrayer of "my kind" or being in conflict with my own cause because I do not embrace the things that I was NOT raised to be.. and have no plans to be. Is it that simple? Do they really just expect me to cast aside who I am and who I've always been and just be a "new me" just because of something that has existed within me for decades? Who I chooses to spend my time with, be intimate with, who I choose to be with as a gender has NOTHING to do with who I am as a person.. or anything that I do beyond this... and people can't get that through their skull.

sometimes I can't stand living in this world. putting up with these people.. dealing with this shit and having to either act like I'm ashamed of who I am for being gay.. or act like I'm ashamed of who I am for being a man of traditional southern conservative family values.

It pains me to think that because I don't fit into group A or group B that I have to walk alone for the rest of my life.. just to keep either ridiculous biased side from hating my guts. Who are they to decide my life for me? Who are they to choose what is best for me and what values I can and cannot share with other people?

The next time someone lectures me for NOT voting for obama, or the next time my mother lectures me or presses me on the "choice" I've made I'm hanging up, walking away, or ignoring the thread. I mean, what other choice do I even have?

I'm sorry and mods you can delete this thread, ban me, whatever.. it's not like I'm a case that can be helped, but I know I won't be able to get to sleep tonight until I get this off my chest and out of my head.

I'm sick of being told I'm a bad person because of this or that.. I'm sick of people going back and forth between two sides that don't represent anything.. I'm just.. sick of humanity. What a wretched species.

I already know I'm going to be tired at work tomorrow. It's been nearly TWO YEARS since I've had this realization and my work ethic, my communication with my friends and family have all gone to SHIT.. it's dying..IM DYING.. because of this.their lives go on and they have their wives and their kids and they're happy with that and I have NOTHING in common with them anymore. I pass my prime and the shallow lustful men out there that only message me on dating sites with physical interests stop and go find some other young guy to have sex with. Can't make any new friends unless you're willing to hide who you are and keep any and all sexual comments to yourself, maybe even lie about being attracted to the women they blather on about. I envy them that they want what they have and it's what I'm SUPPOSED to want but don't. Am I immature? Am I mentally damaged in some way?

these thoughts run through my head all the time. I hate every waking moment that I even think about it. I've spent most of my life ignoring my sexuality and being asexual because I've never been ready to face this. What's it even matter..

and i'm not going to some shrink or some doctor that's just going to push me into some liberal agenda or try to tell me that I'm mentally ill and a sinner and need to be re-educated. I can't take the damn time off work to see a shrink anyway. I can live my life the way I've always lived it.. I just wish I wouldn't have ever found this out about myself.. then it wouldn't have ever mattered in the first damn place.

[musicman2229]

Hopefully when you're feeling better and want to actually discuss some of the points you brought up here, you'll let us know. Until then it's pretty clear that anything I say is only going to upset you further. Sleep well, and keep in touch.

[rakmatis]

dude, be who you are and forget about labels, and fuck the people who cant take a joke.

[fredv3b]

Dville118,

Give the gay community a try, you may find them more tolerant than you think, they even accept me. Have a good reply ready as to why you did not vote for Obama. Join the Log Cabin Republicans you might find some with whom you have a lot in common.

But most importantly, relax a little, life is too short.

[colinmackay]

I think the "gay community" is more diverse than you give it credit for.

I'm "gay" I'm supposed to be this fashion oriented interior decorator..

Not it doesn't. I'm not in to either of those things and I'm gay. I think it is part of what is called "straight acting" (a term I dislike because it isn't an act, it is just how some people are. i.e. We don't fit the gay stereotypes)

I'm supposed to be ok with pride parades with public nudity and sex acts

If you're not okay with that, it is perfectly okay. I've never been to a pride parade myself. I may go one day, but if that's not your thing there is nothing wrong with that.

so I'm supposed to walk away from my religion that I've held my entire life just because of this..

Not at all. I know a few gay people that have managed to reconcile their sexuality with their religion. Not all Christian sects are as venomously anti-gay as the Westborough Baptist Church. Admittedly, one transgendered friend of mine had to move church, but she's found one that is accepting of her. And, a friend of mine knows a gay vicar - so when the pastor is gay, who says you have to leave your religion!?

. I'm supposed to be a liberal because conservatives and republicans are evil and I'm supposed to support far left movements and spend my days surfing dailykos and salon.com, reading huffpo and listening to npr because the right wants to have me arrested and re-educated right?

You lost me a bit in there. I have no idea what half of that stuff is. However, I do have a gay friend who is also a Tory (votes Conservative all the time) and was the LGBTory group leader for his constituency for a while too.

It doesn't mean I'm suddenly interested in knitting or shopping or any of that shit like my mother seems to think.

Don't worry - Mothers are just like that. Mine thought I'd be into cross dressing and drag as a result of me being gay and forbade me to borrow her clothes. (I never had any intention of wearing them, or wanting to wear female clothing at all)


I do hope things work out for you. Yes, most of us are liberal because that's where the acceptance is.

Here in the UK the Conservative party are much more accepting of us than they once were so perhaps the republicans in the states will shift more acceptance soon as society as a whole increases its acceptance.

[East]

I'm sick of being told who I am, and being forced into a box by arbitrary rules defined by other people.

I feel I need to point this out to you...you are forcing everyone else into a box and defining them as well...You have spent alot of time defining the gay community and yet asked not to be defined yourself. I dont' let anyone else define who I am...not even you.

[Gpbi]

Gay is with who you are goin to sleep at night and give him a kiss goodnight anything else is just you!
So i dont think that all gay people have to confirm this sterotypical gay guy with an excellent taste of decoration etc. And also there are defenately a lot of people who are going to get laid just once and never seen this guy again but thats not only between gay is even between str8 people...
My point is that you are gay cause you like guys screw the world and their labels and live your life as you can better and you can have partner who wants the same as you and you can have friends who whould be perfectily ok with who you are even if they are str8 and you dont have to pretend anything!
Hope you feeling better today,

[Dville118]

If I hadn't have left this page open last night I woudln't have even remembered posting this.

I hope I didn't offend anyone. I've been trying off and on to be a part of the "gay community" and I've been trying to date and make friends, but I don't like having to have this "and is gay friendly" hanging over my head when trying to make friends. It is my assumption that by default people are NOT. Especially where I live.. and I am not able to move, and don't really care to all that much, at least not out of the region.

The guys I've dated, 1 of them stopped talking to me and I have no idea why, the other 2 were too sexually aggerssive. I don't even know you.. one date does not constitute sex. One of them I still talk to as a friend, but it's clear we're not compatible. He has sexted me a few times, which was fine when we were both single, but now that he has a BF he still sends me pics and I have actually scolded him for it. I told him if it were me that he was dating while sending pics like that to someone else I would be very upset. His response was simply "I do what I want."

I listened to the outQ channel on xm for a while.. they had some porn star talk show guy alex rhodes or something on there.. disgusting.. absolutely disgusting human being and really made me hate who I am. He talks about all kinds of unspeakable things. It's on that show with dereck and romaine he sometimes fills in to make you vomit and/or want to run off the road and hope the crash kills you and ends your suffering.

that same show, along with other people I have met ion the "gay community" (I say this in quotes because the reality is there IS no gay community, just gay people.. but there is a "community" in that people do things by in large the same way) who have told me that "if you're over 25 you're old to the community."

I wish I could just "give up" on this and just walk away from it all.. I don't necessarily want a relationship right now, though I do hate being alone all the time and feeling like I have to be isolated for fear of having my house set on fire/my car vandalized/being dragged to death behind a pickup.. (these things happen in the southeast us..) but I don't want a "wife n kids."

[East]

I listened to the outQ channel on xm for a while.. they had some porn star talk show guy alex rhodes or something on there.. disgusting.. absolutely disgusting human being and really made me hate who I am. He talks about all kinds of unspeakable things. It's on that show with dereck and romaine he sometimes fills in to make you vomit and/or want to run off the road and hope the crash kills you and ends your suffering.

Why would another human being make you hate who you are? I don't get it. Do you think all gay men should behave in a manner that you approve of?...and if they don't...does that have anything at all to do with you?

[Dville118]

Because when my friends and my family and even my neighbors first try to use the word "gay" to define me.. that's who they're going to see. Not the person they've always known.. but these "gay" people that are highly visible. They'll sit there and say "well he's kept this a secret from us, he's been living a double life, what else is he keeping from us?" and they'll turn to horrible things like this and think "oh my god, he's like that?! I don't want to have anything to do with him."

Believe me, from a lifetime of small town southern living, I understand that it's not JUST the twisted religious perspective that being gay is a sin that makes people in these places "hate" gay people, it's the flagrant behavior of the most visible in the gay community. I grew up in a town where, if you would have asked people on the street if gays lived there, they would have said no, there's no gay people in this town, gay people live in new york or california, they don't live down here... how do I know this? Because when I was growing up there that's what I believed.