Help: Dreams about my Boyfriend and Ex

[youngwildfree]

I've been having multiple dreams of my current boyfriend being "extra friendly" with my ex-boyfriend. They don't anything sexual per se, but in my dreams it seems like it's almost getting there or they are trying to sneak it behind my back. I know I already seem crazy. Maybe some guys would find it hot even, but I am more furious and maybe with a hint of jealousy.

First off, let me tell you how things started. My ex-boyfriend, Irwin, and I weren't quite in a relationship again but we were "talking". At the same time, I was also getting to know this other guy named Anthony. I was at a point where I wanted to keep my options open before I settled down into a real relationship. Naturally, my ex despised Anthony. However one time at a party, I saw them getting along -- taking shots together, laughing, and from the looks of it, enjoying each other's company. My intoxicated self got a mixture of jealousy and anger from the site of it. And perhaps I even may have started a scene. Couple of weeks pass and I completely end things with Irwin because I didn't see myself wanting to pursue anything with him anymore. Anthony was the guy for me; his personality, looks, and maybe seeing him being friendly with my ex sparked some jealousy that wanted me to have him even more. After months of getting to know each other more we eventually got into a committed relationship. This was 2 years ago.

So 2 years pass and I'm having dreams about my ex and my boyfriend. I don't know what to think of them. I've confronted my boyfriend about it before and confirmed that he never had any feelings for my ex so he doesn't even know why I would think such a thing. But the thought is still infesting my mind, even when I sleep. As a matter of fact, somethings he says or does reminds me of my ex and I'll begin to think that he's hiding something from me that I don't know, like he's talked to him since then. The more I type this out, the crazier I realize I am for thinking all these things. So can anyone tell me why I'm having such dreams even after 2 years of being with my bf? Do I still have feelings for my ex? (Which I doubt). Has my bf been hiding something from me? Or is it just my insecurity? :confused: Limitless questions run thru my head. I know I should just stop thinking about it, but it just comes back uninvited. So any helpful advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks if you read my story here, it is kinda lengthy. Genuine, helpful advices are much appreciated.

[East]

Real quick analysis for you...could be that you are projecting your own unresolved feelings for your ex on your current boyfriend and it is manifesting itself in these recurring dreams.

You may have been jealous of the way they interacted at the party...if you want the dreams to go away you need to address this and ask yourself really hard and maybe uncomfortable questions. The problem is if these things are manifesting in your dreams (subconscious) you may not even be consciously aware of your thoughts or feelings so you may have do dig a bit and be hard on yourself in order to break the wall between the conscious and unconscious mind.

I hope that helps. Good Luck. You definitely want to overcome that kind of jealousy that has seeped into your unconscious because it can destroy you and everything around you if it is not resolved.

[youngwildfree]

Thanks for the advice, it's really helpful. I've been trying to find the root cause to all of this. It may be because my ex has almost hooked up with almost all the guys I had something with after him, and I don't see my current boyfriend as an exception. I forgot mention the fact that at another party, my ex confronted Anthony (current bf, but wasn't at the time) and telling him that he was cute and he'd fuck him, knowing that I had something with him. That was the time I was really done with my ex and wanted him literally out of my life. He's hooked up with past guys I've had something with, I didn't want Anthony to be the next. Luckily, my boyfriend isn't that type of guy (or I least I hope he's not).

My boyfriend and I were about to go to Walmart, but he suggested that we go to Target and saying "maybe we'll see something we like" almost mockingly. I don't know if he knows, but my ex works there. But he'll say somethings that I begin to think it's referencing my ex. As you can tell, it's getting to me and I'm starting to overanalyze his statements.

I don't know what kind of questions to ask myself. I find myself going in circles. Here's a summary of why I feel like I keep dreaming such things

1) their interaction at the party
2) my ex telling him he'd hook up with him
3) i asked my bf if he would hook up with him, and he said yeah if he didn't know me
4) one of my friends said the they should be together and I should be with someone else
5) the little references I THINK that are about my ex, but not completely sure.

I think I focus so much on those things that I might start even believing it. I know I might be overly sensitive about the issue and I haven't really talked about it with anybody. It's kind of comforting just getting it all out on here and hopefully get some pieces of advice along with it.

Real quick analysis for you...could be that you are projecting your own unresolved feelings for your ex on your current boyfriend and it is manifesting itself in these recurring dreams.

You may have been jealous of the way they interacted at the party...if you want the dreams to go away you need to address this and ask yourself really hard and maybe uncomfortable questions. The problem is if these things are manifesting in your dreams (subconscious) you may not even be consciously aware of your thoughts or feelings so you may have do dig a bit and be hard on yourself in order to break the wall between the conscious and unconscious mind.

I hope that helps. Good Luck. You definitely want to overcome that kind of jealousy that has seeped into your unconscious because it can destroy you and everything around you if it is not resolved.

[East]

Hmmm...OK...the additional information changes things a bit but that is good. I will try to help you a bit more later...have to work right now. Before I go...your ex is controlling and obsessive...does he happen to have anything in common to anyone else in your life when you were younger that had influence over you? A family member?

[youngwildfree]

Hmmm...OK...the additional information changes things a bit but that is good. I will try to help you a bit more later...have to work right now. Before I go...your ex is controlling and obsessive...does he happen to have anything in common to anyone else in your life when you were younger that had influence over you? A family member?

Yes, he was very controlling and obsessive, which is a reason why I knew I didn't want to pursue my relationship with him any further. No, I can't say he has anything in common with anyone who had an influence on me when I was younger. But before we were in a relationship, he was my best friend. Now we don't even talk at all since then because everything was such a mess, and now that I have a new boyfriend, I thought it'd be easier just to not keep in close contact with him. I'm upset with myself at the fact that after 2 years, someway, he's still affecting my life indirectly. A part of me thinks I should've taken more time apart between the two relationships, probably at least a year instead of months.

Thanks East, I appreciate your help.

[zeon]

Hello there,
Dreams reflect yoiur state of mind how your feeling with regards to your boyfriend and your ex... The fact that they both come together signifies to me that you think about them alot... The whole having sex etc may be your dream telling you sub conciously that you love both of them equal still because with love it is a seed and the seed never dies.... It can shrink but once its planted you never loose the love for the individual no matter what happens... This is how old romancies take off again

Dont worry too much about dreams unless they become de ja vu..

Kindest regards

zeon x

[youngwildfree]

Hello there,
Dreams reflect yoiur state of mind how your feeling with regards to your boyfriend and your ex... The fact that they both come together signifies to me that you think about them alot... The whole having sex etc may be your dream telling you sub conciously that you love both of them equal still because with love it is a seed and the seed never dies.... It can shrink but once its planted you never loose the love for the individual no matter what happens... This is how old romancies take off again

Dont worry too much about dreams unless they become de ja vu..

Kindest regards

zeon x

I've never really thought about that before. I consider my ex to be my first real love, although it was more of a dangerous one for the both of us. But I love and respect my current boyfriend more than any guy I've ever been with. As much as I hate to admit, I do still think about my ex, but not in a way that I'm longing for his affection/love again, but just curious thoughts like "oh I wonder what he's been up to, let me check his fb" type of thoughts. But thanks Zenon, it helped me see things in a different perspective.

[East]

Hi again...I wanted to say before after reading the additional info that your ex is trying to get inside your head and he has been successful. Do you still think of this ex as a friend? Are you consciously aware of that fact that he is f*cking with your mind? If you fight with your current boyfriend about dreams and insecurities relating to this guy (your ex) then I believe this is the desired outcome. I also don't think you are necessarily paranoid either about the potential of the two of them because I got a front row seat to alot of human behavior when I bartended in a gay bar for many years and I have seen guys exactly like your ex as you describe him and if they are obsessive and need to "win" something then your concerns are valid. I have never really understood what these kind of people "win" except for a sense of power and control over other people. I suppose sometimes people with fragile egos and weak character may have nothing else to do with their time and energy.

You could either get far away from him and never let him know where you are or the other thing is to try to let this soak in...What you dont' own someone else can...

What this means is that you can be manipulated and controlled by the things inside you that you are not aware of and your ex is pushing your buttons. If you have insecurities...and most everyone does... you can easily be exploited and controlled by someone like your ex who is behaving a bit like a predator. Overcoming these insecurities would be the best way to overcome his games. It is easy to say but alot harder to do because coming to terms with who you really are is a HUGE task that usually takes a lifetime and if you are lucky you might get 1/2 way there:biggrin:...so figure out what exactly he is using against you and try to get ahold of that part of yourself.

Take the power he has over you away from him but never let him know it. You will have much nicer dreams I suspectmile:

[youngwildfree]

Hi again...I wanted to say before after reading the additional info that your ex is trying to get inside your head and he has been successful. Do you still think of this ex as a friend? Are you consciously aware of that fact that he is f*cking with your mind? If you fight with your current boyfriend about dreams and insecurities relating to this guy (your ex) then I believe this is the desired outcome. I also don't think you are necessarily paranoid either about the potential of the two of them because I got a front row seat to alot of human behavior when I bartended in a gay bar for many years and I have seen guys exactly like your ex as you describe him and if they are obsessive and need to "win" something then your concerns are valid. I have never really understood what these kind of people "win" except for a sense of power and control over other people. I suppose sometimes people with fragile egos and weak character may have nothing else to do with their time and energy.

You could either get far away from him and never let him know where you are or the other thing is to try to let this soak in...What you dont' own someone else can...

What this means is that you can be manipulated and controlled by the things inside you that you are not aware of and your ex is pushing your buttons. If you have insecurities...and most everyone does... you can easily be exploited and controlled by someone like your ex who is behaving a bit like a predator. Overcoming these insecurities would be the best way to overcome his games. It is easy to say but alot harder to do because coming to terms with who you really are is a HUGE task that usually takes a lifetime and if you are lucky you might get 1/2 way there:biggrin:...so figure out what exactly he is using against you and try to get ahold of that part of yourself.

Take the power he has over you away from him but never let him know it. You will have much nicer dreams I suspectmile:

It's funny how you mentioned that my ex is trying to get inside my head. He was big on "mind games" and I admit I let him get the best of me. I don't see him as a friend, now that we hardly even speak. He'll hit me up occasionally, but I don't let our communication get too close. Just a few months ago he added me on Facebook. For what reason? I don't know. Now that I think about it, every time I tried to pursue something with someone else after him, he would try to pursue something with them as well--- I'd find out, get upset, we'd fight and for some reason, I'd end up back with him. I can say that that's happened at least 3 times. And I think that is what he was expecting to happen again when I was getting closer to my current boyfriend. I don't want to play the victim though. I let all of this happen to myself.

You are completely right about coming to terms with who I really am. It's funny that you mention that because just recently I've been trying to accomplish just that-- getting in touch with my emotions and being able to control and know them. I'm barely 22 so I'm still trying to figure out how to go about doing that.

I just wanted to say thanks so much. You've helped me dig into my emotions and thoughts so much deeper when I was barely scraping the surface. I've got a lot of figuring out to do. I can't let him win this time and I know I need to own what's inside of me... one day. It was nice to have a wise person's opinion for a change. Were you also a part time therapist along with being a bartender? haha. Thanks for helping me though, I'm not much of an open book so it feels good to have some of my troubles addressed.

[East]

I'm glad I could say something that gave you some direction...I can tell you that overcoming jealousy is a big one...I rarely see anyone even attempt it...but if you do it will free you from ALOT of angst...it will also free you from your ex lovers grip. I truly wish you the best of luck.

I have to add something....

I don't want to play the victim though. I let all of this happen to myself.

I want to tell you that this is REALLY SMART on your part......this puts you way head of the game if you can figure this out so young. I used to try to tell people to take responsiblity for their own role in any relationship and you would be shocked at how many people want to hold on to being the victim...you would think I am trying to yank their first born out of their arms:biggrin:

...if you can figure that out I think you will be able to overcome this guy with a little bit of effort.