We both just became HIV+ and I want to leave

[SkullTshirt]

So, this is where I find myself.. on the internet. I find it better because I can get insights from different people.

First a little of my back story (without boring you to death) I am 23 years old and in an almost 3 year on again/off again intergenerational and interracial open relationship with a guy 25 years my senior. I have to start by saying that this is my first relationship to last past 3 months. At least for the first year or two our relationship was genuinely good although i think a huge problem in our relationship has been the fact that we're both tops. I bottom for him once in awhile and that's enough for him but he doesn't bottom for me. That, combined with my promiscuity led to my cheating, so we made the relationship open instead of throwing it all away. It was open, I fucked around recklessly and caught HIV and (we believe) I transmitted it to him.

My dilemma now is, that I want to leave and see him a lot less. In the 6-8 months leading up to our separate infections, we were having a lot more fights then usual, all verbal. I felt like I overlooked his imperfections at first and they're now just coming to light. He does not like any of my friends, any of my music or things I like to do, basically I feel like we don't fit anymore. I also can't bear the guilt of giving him the infection, watching him go through the side effects and helping out. I flat out think I've fallen out of romantic love with him.. I still love him as a person..
I feel like my brother in his loveless relationship, staying together for the sake of the kids. Except its not a kid, its HIV. I feel its my duty to stay beside him to help him through this because I feel IMMENSELY guilty but I can't stand it anymore. It's not like I can break up and continue to support him as a friend, we have way too much history for that and I know he will push me away and feel unloved and do something crazy, he has talked about not taking his meds and simply "giving up" although his attitude has changed about that, as far as I know. He wants to stay healthy and beat this thing.
I need some support and words of advice.

Thanks in advance for reading and giving your input.

[toomuch45]

first off i want to say welcome to gs enjoy your stay
secondly i do want to say that im here to support you in whatever you decide when it comes to your bf and third if you need to talk someone you can always pm me if needed.
again welcome

[hinsonba]

I'm still quite young, and as such, have fewer life experiences than other people here to draw upon, but I don't think that by lying (i.e. evading, omitting, etc.) about your feelings/thoughts about your relationship, you're treating him fairly, or yourself for that matter. As Kant would say, you're treating him as a means to an end (to make you feel less guilty, to stop him from potentially making a 'mistake').

I also believe that everyone has the right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." It's only my opinion, but by being dishonest, you're denying both of you your rights to both liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

So for me, I believe the right thing to do would be to tell him how you feel and let him take it from there - you can't know for certain how he'll react. And it 'is' possible that you two could remain friends, or at least maintain a relationship where you can talk to each other about what you're going through (even if it is awkward).

Good luck, and hope all goes well.

[mrk2010]

First of all buddy, you shouldn't blame yourself for anything. I'm newly out and don't have much experience in the relationship department but can offer you some advice. Firstly are you sure that you infected him? There are tests to see what strain of HIV you have such as a PCR or DUO test, maybe that could shed light on if you actually infected him. Secondly just be honest with him and tell him how you feel and discuss that things in your relationship aren't going very well.

If it has really got to the stage where you feel like seeing him less and you feel like you are in a loveless relationship maybe if your talk with him doesn't go well maybe you should move on. You shouldn't deny yourself happiness. Ultimately if you do have a strain test maybe you may not feel as 'obliged' to be with him.

Good luck, mile:

[AlaricXY]

Tell him how you feel and see where it leads from there.
If I were you, I'll try my best to assist him so that he can cope up with his condition. Give him a shoulder to cry on, you know. After all, you are at fault.
If he denies any of your help, at least you know you tried to come clean with him, and be a better man for him. Otherwise, if you just dump him and leave, 10 years later, when you look back, I can foresee that you might regret for not helping him when he is in pain. Even in death, your soul may not rest in peace for you started the problem, but you walk away from it just like you did nothing wrong.
Think from his perspective, mate. He got HIV and now you are leaving him, it would be like, the world is giving up on him. Give love a chance, and give him a chance to love you back.