Long Term Relationship - Stay or Leave

[TimeBandit]

Someone once said, "If the grass is greener on the other side, then fertilize your own grass." You owe it to yourself and your partner to at least talk it through and see how you can revitalize your relationship. It sounds to me that your relationship has gotten too routine and boring, but is that a reason to give up?

Something else you might consider is that for gay men, trying to date when you're over 40 is not the easiest thing in the world. Many gay guys it seems only want to date guys younger than them, so good luck to you if you decide to break up with your boyfriend.

And maybe you guys should talk about having a break for a bit--can you go somewhere for a few weeks by yourself where you can search your soul and help you make the right decision? Leaving him may be the right thing, but if it isn't then you may lose one of the best things in your life that you may never be able to get back.

Edited to add: I just read another post of yours, talking about your dissatisfaction with your sex life with your partner. It does sound like there is a real problem with intimacy between you two, and that is supposedly a sign of something not quite right in the relationship. I hope you are able to talk with your partner openly about these problems in your relationship and that you can work together to resolve them.

[JtheYoungBear]

I hear you here, OP. I am currently involved with someone I have been off/on with for two years now. I have been wanting to do the single thing for a long time now, and am trying to find the courage that I need to be on my own for a while and see where life takes me. The sad thing is, he will totally take it the wrong way and will try to ruin me, so I am trying to get my ducks in a row with my situation.

But I agree with everybody here - you need to talk to him. A long and civil conversation on where you two stand. Things will work out how they are meant to be.

[mford]

I just read what you are going trough and strangely am there myself and 18 years as well- the man I am with and I havent had sex for over 12 years and before then we didn't have good sex -thats not what it was about I think we were both wanting the security of someone there at home -we of coarse had sex with other people -it wasn't talked about - i broached the topic many times but he just avoided it - he actually avoided talking about anything of substance -ever -so why did we stay together this long? comfort? habit? its a rough and cold world out there sometimes with us gay guys - and like the other poster said I am not a spring chicken I am almost 45 thats 98 in gay years if I am not mistaken-The thing is - I want someone to want to hold my hand- want to kiss me- want to be with my physically sexually - I know that things fade in time I am not a Pollyanna - 2 and half years ago I got clean - and I realize that if I want something I have to work at it - my curent situation is a more family member situation- how do you break up with someone you aren't intimate with - someone that you love - that you cant bear to hurt?
I dont know- all I do know is that I want to be in love- want to look into my partners eyes and feel that love that communication- I think we all deserve it . life is short I wish you luck , and I hope you will wish me the same as well.Matthew

[princealbertofb]

I have been in a long term relationship of 18 years. I repeatedly surpress feeling of being trapped or that I am now settling. I was only 23 when we got together. I am struggling because part of still loves this person, but I can't remember the last time we were really passionate or truly intimate. We enjoy the same things but spiritually we are not in the same place now. I keep thinking that I was so desparate for a relationship that I didn't stop an really evaluate our compatibility for the long term.

The thing is, who can evaluate at the tender age of twenty three? How can you know in advance what your relationship will be 18 years down the road? Nobody can tell, and then again, it so depends on life's circumstances. I don't think any of this was predictable. No need to blame yourself for it. However you do need to find a way out of the rut. Talk to him?

[jimcrackcorn]

Most long term relationships come to a point where the romance tends to burn out. If you still love him and can't imagine yourself being without him, then find a way to put a little romance back into the relationship - an intimate candle light dinner just for the two of you will get his attention,,,, start giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek every day,,,,take him for a drive in the countryside and reach over and hold his hand. After a while, he will realize that you are trying to rekindle the olé flames and even though it may take him some time to adjust, keep putting on the charm and he'll come around.

Love needs to be nurtured, I've spent 35 years with the same fella and I can attest that you have to work at it continually or you will get in a rut that seems like a bottomless (loveless) pit you can't get out of. Very few relationships are perfect (mine isn't) and I've learned that the old cliche "you get what you put into it" holds true.

My best wishes.

Sincerely,
Jim

[Bowyn Aerrow]

When I entered into this commited relationship nearly 20 years ago, I had three 'rules'.

1. Don't hit me.
2. Don't steal from me.
3. Don't cheat on me.

These three rules are the ones I leave on.

Anything else, we work it out.

Mind during nearly 20 years of being together we have had good years and we have had bad years. We have been bored and we have fallen in love all over again.

All of that is perfectly normal for any couple.

You are now what 41? yeah you are going to feel trapped and that you settled. This is not due to your relationship, its due to a little thing called 'Mid-Life Crises'.

If you can't remember the last time you were passionate, or intimate, chances are you failed to start the fire.

In all honestly 'leaving' may be an option, but I did not see the rest of your list of options.

Something you should consider is Couple's Counseling.

Most likely your partner feels trapped, misses intimacy but doesn't say anything... Of course if you two never talk about real stuff - communicate, you may never really know.

I suggest you two go to couple's counseling, and figure out if your feelings are really due to your relationship or if they are due to your being a gay male who is going over the hill.

[princealbertofb]

Good points made, Bowyn. I think you are right about the mid-life crisis thing... I think we get a second sort of wind thinking: " Is it always going to be this boring for the next 30-40 years of my life?" And it can get scary. Find your second wind, Virgo, and see what small life changes you can make to feel less trapped. I think the couple counselling is a good idea too, it may help you to find some options that you hadn't thought about before. One of you is probably too comfortable in your present situation to risk kicking it all away. Maybe you need to find a new project, redecorate the house / apartment, go and visit some new places? Start a new business? Join some new activity clubs? Have you talked to your friends about this? What do they say?

[Paul]

I know it's been long ago since the last post here but I'm new to this forum.
I think is what You need to do is to look back in the past to the days you first met Him. Can You find anything like pictures, letters anything that you shared on the begining of your relationship, could be a memory like first time you did something silly and He smiled at You. I know it can be hard, because it was so long ago, but you should try. You should talk to Him about that what is going wrong, but as You say he does not talk. Try to make him do so, remind him about what he's done something for the first time, something that He enjoyed and made you happy about, but don't ask questions you are should answer it, something like : "Do you remember Sweetie when made me that dinner (meal that he loved to cook) it was so good, seeing you cooking, doing something with passion, only for me was so wonderful. Would you try it again? I can help you with it so we both can have fun".
Of course it's just obvious example it can be anything. Look back to the past, to all the moments that made you cry from being so happy with Him. Every day try to do something that you stopped doing long ago it might be hard, but I'm sure as He could see you doing that might remind Him of the past days. Take day off from work do something special for Him, maybe He needs a "kick", something that can bring back his feelings. You can't force Him it takes time. Never give up I haven't so you can do it either way Love is all we need but sometimes it's hard to find among the dust of rut.

Good Luck

[The Virgin]

if you're not happy anymore, and you feel like the relationship is streinous rather than motivating, then break up with him. you don't need to stay in a situation where you're no longer interested.