My Culturally Closeted Boyfriend

[cityboy]

Just wanted to get some feedback on this problem if I could- any advice would be much appreciated.

I'm currently 5 months into my very first major relationship with a wonderful guy I met soon after moving to New York City.
I couldn't have asked for a better someone to break the ice with in terms of intimacy- he's kind, honest, open, highly reciprocal, patient & evidently really cares about me (told me he loves me just weeks ago).

I know, at 28, he isn't out to his parents which, although makes me a little uncomfortable (coming from a very liberal-minded family who have forever been unflinchingly supportive of me & my sexuality), I understand & accept- especially considering he's Thai.

However, at one point while out with him at a Thai art show tonight he refused to even let me give him a swift peck while standing near other Thais!
He had to lead me outside & around the corner to even talk about it- saying that he just felt uncomfortable looking gay around other Thai people (regardless of the fact that he didn't actually know any of them personally!) because apparently 'they talk'.
My response was that I couldn't understand why he even cared what any random stranger thought (especially in a city like New York) just because they were also Thai- and that him behaving like that made me feel like his dirty little gay secret.

I would never judge anyone for what they decide to withhold from their families on this front; I can' begin to comprehend the difficulty of that situation- but I thought this addition was totally excessive. Does he expect me to duck every time we walk past a Thai restaurant too?
I don't want to have to pretend not to exist for fear of making my lover feel uncomfortable, and as a proud & openly gay 20-year-old man I don't think I should have to.

Has anyone else ever encountered this sort of thing?

[dfiant]

Hmmm...strange, I always thought that Thai's were a lot more open and less repressed when it came to sexuality than almost all of the western world. Take the Kathoey (Lady Boy) for example - (Search for 'Lady Boys' in Wikipedia)

I can't help feeling that his internalised homophobia runs a lot deeper than 'Cultural' bounds

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Give himtime, mate. Talk to himabout this and assure him that you are in this together and that if anything ever happens, you will be by his side. Explain yourself in why he shouldn't be ashamed of what and who he is and of who he drives with...and give him a lot of time. PLease, do try to understand his reasons too...it's mostly fear, not shame. He is probably afraid that he will not be accepted, afraid of general mean attitude or worse...And it's true, he shouldn't care about what people think, he is who he is, but...it's hard, you know. Words hurt. You start questioning yourself sometimes. He will overcome it with time, you just need to support him and be honest with him about how you feel... :]

[renwl]

You do need to give him time. And if you remain frustrated you need to ask yourself if what you need in a boyfriend/partner includes public displays of affection. And if this guy just isn't able to provide that for you then you need to re-evaluate things.

Just realize that you can't make someone be someone they're not. That doesn't mean you're bad or your boyfriend is bad. It means that some people like public display and some don't. Some never change. Some eventually get over it.

I guess my advice to you would be NOT to pressure him too hard about it. I've seen people make the mistake of practically hinging their entire relationship on these kinds of things. See if he eventually comes to more public affection on his own. If he doesn't and it still really bothers you then you need to look at the fact that this is something you need in a relationship and be honest with yourself about it.

But in the short: GIVE IT TIME FIRST:o

[sudanese]

I don't know much about Thai people. But I would deffinetly not show affection in front of oother Sudanese people. I am not out to family or friends and I don't mind showing affection in central London for example sometimes. However even if I were out to close people, I would still not show affection in front of people from my own country. It might sound strange but one should know there are different cultures . Probably the whole concept of ( stranger ) doesn't apply very well to places in the world where people from ur own country can identify u just by ur look and start a conversation and the first thing u talk about will be trying to find any common friends, relatives and even aquaintaces.

I would feel very uncomfortable showing affection in front of such people.

The question is what's the point of showing affection if it makes one feeling uncomfortable. Is it to make a point ? And if so is this point the most important thing in a relationship?

[mynhii]

Just wanted to get some feedback on this problem if I could- any advice would be much appreciated.

I'm currently 5 months into my very first major relationship with a wonderful guy I met soon after moving to New York City.
I couldn't have asked for a better someone to break the ice with in terms of intimacy- he's kind, honest, open, highly reciprocal, patient & evidently really cares about me (told me he loves me just weeks ago).

I know, at 28, he isn't out to his parents which, although makes me a little uncomfortable (coming from a very liberal-minded family who have forever been unflinchingly supportive of me & my sexuality), I understand & accept- especially considering he's Thai.

However, at one point while out with him at a Thai art show tonight he refused to even let me give him a swift peck while standing near other Thais!
He had to lead me outside & around the corner to even talk about it- saying that he just felt uncomfortable looking gay around other Thai people (regardless of the fact that he didn't actually know any of them personally!) because apparently 'they talk'.
My response was that I couldn't understand why he even cared what any random stranger thought (especially in a city like New York) just because they were also Thai- and that him behaving like that made me feel like his dirty little gay secret.

I would never judge anyone for what they decide to withhold from their families on this front; I can' begin to comprehend the difficulty of that situation- but I thought this addition was totally excessive. Does he expect me to duck every time we walk past a Thai restaurant too?
I don't want to have to pretend not to exist for fear of making my lover feel uncomfortable, and as a proud & openly gay 20-year-old man I don't think I should have to.

Has anyone else ever encountered this sort of thing?

I hope you don't mind me asking you this question. Are you Caucasian American?

Sometimes I envy Western people. I wish I was born American or European. People from Western culture have it so easily about being different. No matter what I want to do, I can't hurt my family's feelings. It's not about me being embarrassed; it's about my family getting hurt. I can't do that to them. Telling them I love men will exactly do that.

I'm not Thai. I'm Vietnamese, so I can more or less relate to what your boyfriend is going through. I hope you can see his good sides instead of his struggling. It's not like he will be violent against you. Don't make him choose between you and his culture. It will hurt him.

I don't ever care what other Vietnamese people think about me, but I do care how my family feel. I like to assimilate into American culture as much as I'm able to, but I can't ignore my family's feelings. I would rather give up my happiness than hurt them.

Hence, try to sympathize his struggling. In the end of a day, he belongs to you, doesn't he?

[East]

I hope you don't mind me asking you this question. Are you Caucasian American?

Sometimes I envy Western people. I wish I was born American or European. People from Western culture have it so easily about being different. No matter what I want to do, I can't hurt my family's feelings. It's not about me being embarrassed; it's about my family getting hurt. I can't do that to them. Telling them I love men will exactly do that.

I'm not Thai. I'm Vietnamese, so I can more or less relate to what your boyfriend is going through. I hope you can see his good sides instead of his struggling. It's not like he will be violent against you. Don't make him choose between you and his culture. It will hurt him.

I don't ever care what other Vietnamese people think about me, but I do care how my family feel. I like to assimilate into American culture as much as I'm able to, but I can't ignore my family's feelings. I would rather give up my happiness than hurt them.

Hence, try to sympathize his struggling. In the end of a day, he belongs to you, doesn't he?

Alot of American gays have lost their families and committed suicide because they couldn't face the adversity. I think your post diminishes the actual struggles of gay people in America. Real sociological change happens one person at a time and the brave people who risked everything INCLUDING THEIRE FAMILIES APPROVAL are the reason we are where we are today. If your family is fine with you being unhappy to uphold a lie and an image I wouldn't really value that relationship personally. You are free to do so however...and you have alot of American company.

[Jay]

I hope you don't mind me asking you this question. Are you Caucasian American?

Sometimes I envy Western people. I wish I was born American or European. People from Western culture have it so easily about being different. No matter what I want to do, I can't hurt my family's feelings. It's not about me being embarrassed; it's about my family getting hurt. I can't do that to them. Telling them I love men will exactly do that.

I'm not Thai. I'm Vietnamese, so I can more or less relate to what your boyfriend is going through. I hope you can see his good sides instead of his struggling. It's not like he will be violent against you. Don't make him choose between you and his culture. It will hurt him.

I don't ever care what other Vietnamese people think about me, but I do care how my family feel. I like to assimilate into American culture as much as I'm able to, but I can't ignore my family's feelings. I would rather give up my happiness than hurt them.

Hence, try to sympathize his struggling. In the end of a day, he belongs to you, doesn't he?

I can't though. I love my parents dearly but I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness and freedom for the sake of their happiness. It's not right. I have to watch over my family's feelings but yet they can ignore and hurt mine?

I wish things could be easier. I wish my parents and I can have a win win situation but unfortunately we can't. So one side has to win and one has to lose. I'm not willing to be one who has to raise a white flag.

Anyways even though my opinion differs from Mynhii, I still agree that you should be gentle toward your boyfriend.Be patient and continue to provide him with your support. He lives in a different culture from yours thus it will take time to adjust. Tell him gently that he can't live in fear for the rest of his life. I know it sounds harsh but life can be difficult sometimes.

[mynhii]

Alot of American gays have lost their families and committed suicide because they couldn't face the adversity. I think your post diminishes the actual struggles of gay people in America. Real sociological change happens one person at a time and the brave people who risked everything INCLUDING THEIRE FAMILIES APPROVAL are the reason we are where we are today. If your family is fine with you being unhappy to uphold a lie and an image I wouldn't really value that relationship personally. You are free to do so however...and you have alot of American company.

Thank you. I don't know how American parents deal with their gay children if they are conservative, but I know that some Vietnamese parents may be sad to the point that they will get ill and depressed. It's not only gay children who suffer.

Apparently some Vietnamese parents may get so angry that they disown their children completely and never even cry about it.

My parents are absolutely not an angry type, especially my mother. When I got into some problems, my mom was worried sick and developed more wrinkles and gray hairs, and she sometimes couldn't sleep. I can't even imagine how she will become if she knows that I like guys.

Sometimes I think that kinship in Vietnamese culture is too tight. If it loosens a bit like European or American culture, every one may have more space to breathe and live.

Not to sound like a racist, if I could somehow change my race, I would choose to be a Northern or Western European or a Caucasian American. I would never love my parents any less. The only exception is that I wouldn't have to worry about them getting sick or depressed because of my sexual orientation. I admire American people that no matter how their children become, at least they still live their lives.

I don't know how cityboy's boyfriend's connection with his family is, but if he gets paranoid like that, he must have been in great fear.

[posterpicture]

Thank you. I don't know how American parents deal with their gay children if they are conservative, but I know that some Vietnamese parents may be sad to the point that they will get ill and depressed. It's not only gay children who suffer.

Apparently some Vietnamese parents may get so angry that they disown their children completely and never even cry about it.

My parents are absolutely not an angry type, especially my mother. When I got into some problems, my mom was worried sick and developed more wrinkles and gray hairs, and she sometimes couldn't sleep. I can't even imagine how she will become if she knows that I like guys.

Sometimes I think that kinship in Vietnamese culture is too tight. If it loosens a bit like European or American culture, every one may have more space to breathe and live.

Not to sound like a racist, if I could somehow change my race, I would choose to be a Northern or Western European or a Caucasian American. I would never love my parents any less. The only exception is that I wouldn't have to worry about them getting sick or depressed because of my sexual orientation. I admire American people that no matter how their children become, at least they still live their lives.

I don't know how cityboy's boyfriend's connection with his family is, but if he gets paranoid like that, he must have been in great fear.

Everyone has their own problem. First, I am not white, not American so I understand what you want to say.
But I do have White gay friends who cut themselves because they hate how they are. I have friend who wanted to commit suicide because their church told them to go to hell. Being hate, abandoned by other people is never as hurtful as hating yourself. Family is something important to everyone but it 's NOT something we have to deal it EVERY minute in our life. If you want, you can choose to stay away from your family or lie to them.
But how 's about yourself? You have to deal with yourself every single second in your life. You can't run from yourself. And guess what? Many gay Caucasian Christian have their minds so twisted by their religion that just to live is a sin.

Like I said, everyone has their own difficulties. Your thought of wishing to be born in a different way is just to s$#$@# for me to handle.


My advice for the OP: there are 2 types of guy in this world. The ones who are ready for a relationship and the ones aren't. Why wasting your time on an unavailable guy?