My Culturally Closeted Boyfriend

[Drew]

You surprise me. You are perhaps one of few Americans who are low-key. All people I met were outgoing, confident, and talkative. I interpret those signs as being happy. Maybe that is how American culture is.

Umm.....not sure how you can conclude that from just one post I've made. I've known other gay couples who are modest in their PDA, so I'm hardly the only one who feels this way. That's a bit of pigeonholing to conclude "most" Americans are this way or that on your part.....how long have you been in America? There are over 300 million of us and live in many different regions.....Oakland and the Bay Area tends to be a bit more extroverted than, say, us New Englanders. So maybe your experience is a bit different than mine. I grew up a first-generation kid of Hungarian parents, so I tend to be a bit more old-school when it comes to certain things. Maybe that's it.

[mynhii]

Umm.....not sure how you can conclude that from just one post I've made. I've known other gay couples who are modest in their PDA, so I'm hardly the only one who feels this way. That's a bit of pigeonholing to conclude "most" Americans are this way or that on your part.....how long have you been in America? There are over 300 million of us and live in many different regions.....Oakland and the Bay Area tends to be a bit more extroverted than, say, us New Englanders. So maybe your experience is a bit different than mine. I grew up a first-generation kid of Hungarian parents, so I tend to be a bit more old-school when it comes to certain things. Maybe that's it.

I have been in the States for 8 years and have not been out of the Bay Area. Except schooling and shopping, I mostly stay home, so my observation is from college. I worked as a cashier once in an auto shop, and all my coworkers were the same: very outgoing.

I also hear "I love you" almost everywhere I go. When I asked some classmates about their love relationship, they were never shy to tell me.

Putting racial discrimination aside, I think that being gay (or being different) is much easier to a white American. I don't know if it is because the way they were raised or they embrace freedom of expression to the maximum level. Caucasian Americans may struggle their sexuality with their family just like Asian Americans, but the difference is that they dare to confront that issue with their relatives. I don't know about other Asian groups, but Vietnamese people, unless they were born American, don't dare to talk with their family about their sexuality. The Vietnamese culture teaches people to put their loved ones' welfare and happiness before their own. Living in the US for almost a decade doesn't make me Americanized much as I wish. I still can't face my homosexuality with my parents. I know that my parents will never kick me out of our home, but they will be devastated. Hence, I can empathize what the OP's boyfriend is going through. Perhaps it's not much about being disowned; it's about hurting people he loves.

Being American is easier. I admire American people for their "to live and let live" attitude. It seems like they can't hide their unhappiness while they are lying to make other people happy. Vietnamese people, in contrast, are able to suppress their feelings very well to make their family happy. It certainly hurts them deeply in the long run, but their conscience surpasses their true feelings.

[Jay]

I have been in the States for 8 years and have not been out of the Bay Area. Except schooling and shopping, I mostly stay home, so my observation is from college. I worked as a cashier once in an auto shop, and all my coworkers were the same: very outgoing.

I also hear "I love you" almost everywhere I go. When I asked some classmates about their love relationship, they were never shy to tell me.

Putting racial discrimination aside, I think that being gay (or being different) is much easier to a white American. I don't know if it is because the way they were raised or they embrace freedom of expression to the maximum level. Caucasian Americans may struggle their sexuality with their family just like Asian Americans, but the difference is that they dare to confront that issue with their relatives. I don't know about other Asian groups, but Vietnamese people, unless they were born American, don't dare to talk with their family about their sexuality. The Vietnamese culture teaches people to put their loved ones' welfare and happiness before their own. Living in the US for almost a decade doesn't make me Americanized much as I wish. I still can't face my homosexuality with my parents. I know that my parents will never kick me out of our home, but they will be devastated. Hence, I can empathize what the OP's boyfriend is going through. Perhaps it's not much about being disowned; it's about hurting people he loves.

Being American is easier. I admire American people for their "to live and let live" attitude. It seems like they can't hide their unhappiness while they are lying to make other people happy. Vietnamese people, in contrast, are able to suppress their feelings very well to make their family happy. It certainly hurts them deeply in the long run, but their conscience surpasses their true feelings.

Then make a change. Someone has to start it. If you want changes in your life, you have to put other things aside for a minute and think about yourself. It's not about being selfish. It's about being self conscious with your life. Do you want to end up being depressed for the rest of your life?

Speaking of selfish. Who is truly the selfish one?

A son who wants to come out to his true sexuality but without having any support from his family.

Or

His parents and the rest of his family? They know his son is gay but do not accept his sexuality, wants him to stay 'straight' and marry to a girl to satisfy the norm of life. Even though they know their son will be depressed by it.

A revolution will not start until a person triggers it.

[Drew]

I have been in the States for 8 years and have not been out of the Bay Area. Except schooling and shopping, I mostly stay home, so my observation is from college. I worked as a cashier once in an auto shop, and all my coworkers were the same: very outgoing.

I also hear "I love you" almost everywhere I go. When I asked some classmates about their love relationship, they were never shy to tell me.

Putting racial discrimination aside, I think that being gay (or being different) is much easier to a white American. I don't know if it is because the way they were raised or they embrace freedom of expression to the maximum level. Caucasian Americans may struggle their sexuality with their family just like Asian Americans, but the difference is that they dare to confront that issue with their relatives. I don't know about other Asian groups, but Vietnamese people, unless they were born American, don't dare to talk with their family about their sexuality. The Vietnamese culture teaches people to put their loved ones' welfare and happiness before their own. Living in the US for almost a decade doesn't make me Americanized much as I wish. I still can't face my homosexuality with my parents. I know that my parents will never kick me out of our home, but they will be devastated. Hence, I can empathize what the OP's boyfriend is going through. Perhaps it's not much about being disowned; it's about hurting people he loves.

Being American is easier. I admire American people for their "to live and let live" attitude. It seems like they can't hide their unhappiness while they are lying to make other people happy. Vietnamese people, in contrast, are able to suppress their feelings very well to make their family happy. It certainly hurts them deeply in the long run, but their conscience surpasses their true feelings.

I hear you, brother. I can in no way speak for anyone of Asian descent, but I think what you describe is a familiar theme to those born in Asian, with putting family first above your own desires or wishes. My heart goes out to you and the OP's boyfriend; stay strong!

But again.....comparing college kids in the Bay Area isn't something you can take and then extrapolate to the U.S. population in general. Gay college kids going to, say, Brigham Young University in Utah, which is overwhelmingly white, would have a much harder time telling their families versus someone going to UCSF or UC Berkeley. Again, it depends a lot on region, religious adherence, income level, etc, here in the US.

Just to clarify: if I had a boyfriend (hah!), I'd have no problem holding hands or even exchanging a quick kiss or two at, say, a gay bar or at mutual friend's backyard barbecue or something, but if we were just walking down the street or something in downtown New Haven, I probably wouldn't. That's just me. I'd be the same way with a girl. If that's low-key, then okay, I'm low-key. Just don't hold it against lil' ol' Hungarian/German me.

[Drew]

Oh, if it helps any, seeing as you are Vietnamese (although I can't claim to know whether or not your family is Buddhist), Thich Nhat Hanh has had a pro-gay stance for the longest time. Here are his thoughts, which jive very well with mine (he, along with the Dalai Lama, are two reasons I casually practice meditation and go to a sangha on Sundays when I can):

http://isanghamahal.wordpress.com/2009/0...sexuality/

[mynhii]

Then make a change. Someone has to start it. If you want changes in your life, you have to put other things aside for a minute and think about yourself. It's not about being selfish. It's about being self conscious with your life. Do you want to end up being depressed for the rest of your life?

Speaking of selfish. Who is truly the selfish one?

A son who wants to come out to his true sexuality but without having any support from his family.

Or

His parents and the rest of his family? They know his son is gay but do not accept his sexuality, wants him to stay 'straight' and marry to a girl to satisfy the norm of life. Even though they know their son will be depressed by it.

A revolution will not start until a person triggers it.

Vietnamese parents in America can't force their homosexual children to marry straight men/women. They may get angry; they may yell at their children; they may disown them. They do, however, have to accept their children's sexuality one way or another. They have to because their kids are breathing American culture since birth; they live like any white children; they love their parents, but they don't let parents patronize their lives.

Children at my generation are different. We want to enjoy American culture, which embraces tolerance and individualism. However, we can't usually cut off our cultural root.

A few years ago, my parents told me straightly that they won't force me to do anything, but they would be happy if I could live just like people who are living in Vietnam, and they would be sorrowful if I was Americanized. They never question me why I don't have a girlfriend. They said I could get married at any age I want or stay single for the rest of my life.

I used to think about coming out to my parents. One of my mom's nephews is gay. When my mom knew about that, she wasn't shocked like I imagined. She even accepts the fact that people's sexuality were innate. Unfortunately, my mom thinks like my aunt. They both believe that that is the result of past life's bad karma. They are devout Buddhists; and they sincerely believe that even though they received both spiritual guidance and scientific explanation.

Therefore, I had to stop my coming out to my parents. The last thing I want is that my parents blame themselves for having a gay son.

[SleepTalker]

I get why you feel the way you do. It sucks having to hide. I do it every day. I still havent come out to my family and most of my friends. Im actually kind of worried about coming out to any more of my friends. One of my friends got pissed off at me tonight and basically announced to everyone that i was bi. Sorry got kind of off topic lol. You should give him a bit of a break though. Give him time to get more comfortable in his own skin. Im sure if you sit down and properly explain things he'll work on it.

[Jay]

Vietnamese parents in America can't force their homosexual children to marry straight men/women. They may get angry; they may yell at their children; they may disown them. They do, however, have to accept their children's sexuality one way or another. They have to because their kids are breathing American culture since birth; they live like any white children; they love their parents, but they don't let parents patronize their lives.

Children at my generation are different. We want to enjoy American culture, which embraces tolerance and individualism. However, we can't usually cut off our cultural root.

A few years ago, my parents told me straightly that they won't force me to do anything, but they would be happy if I could live just like people who are living in Vietnam, and they would be sorrowful if I was Americanized. They never question me why I don't have a girlfriend. They said I could get married at any age I want or stay single for the rest of my life.

I used to think about coming out to my parents. One of my mom's nephews is gay. When my mom knew about that, she wasn't shocked like I imagined. She even accepts the fact that people's sexuality were innate. Unfortunately, my mom thinks like my aunt. They both believe that that is the result of past life's bad karma. They are devout Buddhists; and they sincerely believe that even though they received both spiritual guidance and scientific explanation.

Therefore, I had to stop my coming out to my parents. The last thing I want is that my parents blame themselves for having a gay son.

Well mynhii; what ever you do I wish you the best in life. I do hope things will get easier one day for all Asian gay guys.

[Jay]

Therefore, I had to stop my coming out to my parents. The last thing I want is that my parents blame themselves for having a gay son.

If you don't mind me sharing my experience with you.

As I've mentioned before, my parents found out that I am gay when I was still a young teenager. I remember that I just got back from my religious school at around 10.30 am.

I found my mom crying nonstop at a corner of our living room. I was confused as I had no idea why she cried. I stumbled upon my dad and he looked at me with a fierce look. But he didn't utter a single word. I went upstairs only to find my bedroom's door unlocked. My bedroom has been raided.

Things were scattered. They found my bodybuilder magazines. They found the explicit sexual gay comics that I drew. Plus cookies (history) from gay websites (Kudos to my big brother).

My mind just went, I don't know, lost. I couldn't think straight. I honestly wanted to die at the time.

I went downstairs and sat on my knees in front of my mom. I cried, apologized and told her that I will repent. She accepted my apology and asked me to get ready to go to school (National school).

My dad was so pissed with me that he refused to speak to me for weeks.

I went stealth for a few years. I tried to forget my true sexual orientation. I tried to convince myself that I can be straight and I am straight. I could not mention anything that sounds feminine like 'cooking', 'gardening', 'shopping', and few others to my parents as it would remind them to my gay history. I even had to drop my dream to become a fashion designer due to it.

But who I am to lie? I am gay. I am aroused and attracted by and to men only. I slowly went back to my true identity in my first year in college.

I fully came out early this year. My non Muslim friends (I was a Muslim) think I am outrageously brave for coming out and announcing myself as agnostic. I am honestly surprised that I am that brave myself.

Gandhi once said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world. ."

I lost a lot within my journey to come out. I lost my own siblings and probably will lose my parents in the future. It's sad but life needs sacrifice once in a while. I thank my parents for raising me. But it's time for them to let me 'go' and allow me to continue my journey and write down my own history with my own bare hands as I am adult now.

I can't do much if my parents decide to blame themselves for having a gay son. They chose that path. They let religion and culture to decide and think for them. They put aside common sense. I know it sounds harsh for me to say such thing to own my parents but it is the truth. The truth does hurt .

Again, I only wish the best for you and for all other Asian gay guys.

[africabug]

I think the most important thing is how he treats you privately. So what if he doesnt kiss you in public? Doesnt mean that he loves you less or anything! My boyfriend and I both have a problem with public affection... it's not that we are closeted, we just dont think its necessary.