Terribly confused and feeling really low
08-11-2011, 07:17 PM
Okay, this is extremely long, but it’s deeply affecting me at the moment and I would appreciate it so much if somebody would read it and attempt to understand and advise.
I’m currently 22 years old and around 7 years ago I got into my first ever relationship with a girl which turned out to be an awful experience. At the time I was blindly infatuated with her and put up with being emotionally and physically used and abused by her time and time again. She always refused to be in an 'official' relationship with me and would never actually call me her boyfriend, despite being affectionate and having sex with me all of the time when we were together.
It made me feel completely inadequate and like she was embarrassed of me. On top of this she hooked up with numerous other guys and didn't seem to care how it made me feel. I should have ended it but I was unbelievably naive and completely un-aware of how I should be behaving as it was all new to me. It went on for about a year in total, during which I felt anxious and paranoid. I couldn't bring myself to stop seeing her and kept going back only to receive more and more heartache.
To cut a long story short the worst part of what happened is that I never once spoke about it to anybody and completely bottled it up. I actually blamed myself for the whole thing and was so ashamed, rather than viewing myself as being a victim. I've recently come to the conclusion that something must have happened within my subconscious mind that has blocked any interest in anybody since. I haven't been romantically or sexually involved with anybody for 7 years since that happened. Although until recently I didn't think it was a problem or that it even bothered me. I felt like I didn't need that intimacy. I also became, what I think is unhealthily isolated and become extremely lonely, losing the interest in forming bonds.
Although that part is the back-story. It plays a huge part in what has happened since... Around three years ago I met an amazing guy who became my best friend. I couldn't believe how similar we were and quickly felt a deep connection with him despite not seeing each other often because of living apart. He's a little younger than me and in the beginning; he kind of looked up to and admired me. I understood that wasn't entirely healthy, but I just loved the attention. We used to text each other every day and talk about pretty much everything.
However... slightly over a year ago he got with his current girlfriend who he became absolutely infatuated with and constantly thought about. I didn't like what had happened and felt like he had gone against what I thought were his beliefs. Over the time he's been with her, even though we chatted often, I have become increasingly unhappy and uncomfortable with him being with her. I didn't like feeling like that, but couldn't help it or identify why. The thought of them together made me really agitated and feel low, almost betrayed. I had a few outbursts against some things he did and after a long chat, for the first time I opened up to him about what had happened to me in the past and a lot of things suddenly became clear. By totally repressing my feelings about what happened to me, I had developed a real animosity towards relationships, especially when people close to me got into them. After our chat I started to feel better and although it was difficult, I did a lot of thinking and began to understand where those feelings were coming from and attempted to overcome it.
Everything since that had been pretty good and I was getting on with things well until a recent event that came completely out of the blue and has changed everything. I visited him recently and we just hung out as normal. One night we got very drunk and he seemed to become really excited and told me that he wanted to tell me something. He sat me down and confessed to me that he sometimes imagines me when he masturbates. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and was in complete shock. I don't remember much of what happened but the next thing I remember is that we were on top of each other, very passionately kissing each other and he pulled my top off and was running his hands all over my body. When it came to an end we both said 'what just happened?' and laughed about it.
As the night progressed though, it happened a few more times and once he completely dropped his pants and approached me again, but I remember that just didn't feel right and I said no and pushed him back. Later in the night we both woke up and I put my arm around him and started to drift back off to sleep. However he took my hand and placed it down his pants and around his penis. Although that wasn't what I was after doing, I masturbated him for a while, which he was obviously enjoying and he attempted to do back to me, but I refused again and didn't want him to touch me like that. I don't know why I did that and it didn't arouse me, but I guess I thought he might enjoy it.
That was all that happened but in the morning when we spoke about it he became pretty defensive and claimed that 'he was just missing his girlfriend'. A couple of nights later, I put my arm around him again like before but he said that he didn't want me to do that and turned away which I found really hurtful. He again claimed that it was because he missed his girlfriend, but I remember the way he was with me that night and I think it was more than that.
My dilemma is that I don't think of my friend sexually and haven't masturbated while thinking about him, as he said that he'd done. I don’t look at his body in that way etc. But I do feel extremely strongly about him, which confuses me no end. Since I returned from our visit I have been feeling extremely low and don’t know what to think. I am extremely confused and those feelings of being unwanted and used have returned, to the level it’s affected my sleep and appetite.
Have the years of denying physical intimacy caused me to redirect my repressed emotions towards my friend? I feel like I just want to be close to him and be loved by him. Also, what is going on with my friend? He is absolutely terrified of his girlfriend cheating on him, yet did exactly that himself and now he’s claiming it isn’t a big deal. I am so confused right now and would really appreciate somebody’s outside opinion on the situation. Thanks for reading!
-Angus
I’m currently 22 years old and around 7 years ago I got into my first ever relationship with a girl which turned out to be an awful experience. At the time I was blindly infatuated with her and put up with being emotionally and physically used and abused by her time and time again. She always refused to be in an 'official' relationship with me and would never actually call me her boyfriend, despite being affectionate and having sex with me all of the time when we were together.
It made me feel completely inadequate and like she was embarrassed of me. On top of this she hooked up with numerous other guys and didn't seem to care how it made me feel. I should have ended it but I was unbelievably naive and completely un-aware of how I should be behaving as it was all new to me. It went on for about a year in total, during which I felt anxious and paranoid. I couldn't bring myself to stop seeing her and kept going back only to receive more and more heartache.
To cut a long story short the worst part of what happened is that I never once spoke about it to anybody and completely bottled it up. I actually blamed myself for the whole thing and was so ashamed, rather than viewing myself as being a victim. I've recently come to the conclusion that something must have happened within my subconscious mind that has blocked any interest in anybody since. I haven't been romantically or sexually involved with anybody for 7 years since that happened. Although until recently I didn't think it was a problem or that it even bothered me. I felt like I didn't need that intimacy. I also became, what I think is unhealthily isolated and become extremely lonely, losing the interest in forming bonds.
Although that part is the back-story. It plays a huge part in what has happened since... Around three years ago I met an amazing guy who became my best friend. I couldn't believe how similar we were and quickly felt a deep connection with him despite not seeing each other often because of living apart. He's a little younger than me and in the beginning; he kind of looked up to and admired me. I understood that wasn't entirely healthy, but I just loved the attention. We used to text each other every day and talk about pretty much everything.
However... slightly over a year ago he got with his current girlfriend who he became absolutely infatuated with and constantly thought about. I didn't like what had happened and felt like he had gone against what I thought were his beliefs. Over the time he's been with her, even though we chatted often, I have become increasingly unhappy and uncomfortable with him being with her. I didn't like feeling like that, but couldn't help it or identify why. The thought of them together made me really agitated and feel low, almost betrayed. I had a few outbursts against some things he did and after a long chat, for the first time I opened up to him about what had happened to me in the past and a lot of things suddenly became clear. By totally repressing my feelings about what happened to me, I had developed a real animosity towards relationships, especially when people close to me got into them. After our chat I started to feel better and although it was difficult, I did a lot of thinking and began to understand where those feelings were coming from and attempted to overcome it.
Everything since that had been pretty good and I was getting on with things well until a recent event that came completely out of the blue and has changed everything. I visited him recently and we just hung out as normal. One night we got very drunk and he seemed to become really excited and told me that he wanted to tell me something. He sat me down and confessed to me that he sometimes imagines me when he masturbates. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and was in complete shock. I don't remember much of what happened but the next thing I remember is that we were on top of each other, very passionately kissing each other and he pulled my top off and was running his hands all over my body. When it came to an end we both said 'what just happened?' and laughed about it.
As the night progressed though, it happened a few more times and once he completely dropped his pants and approached me again, but I remember that just didn't feel right and I said no and pushed him back. Later in the night we both woke up and I put my arm around him and started to drift back off to sleep. However he took my hand and placed it down his pants and around his penis. Although that wasn't what I was after doing, I masturbated him for a while, which he was obviously enjoying and he attempted to do back to me, but I refused again and didn't want him to touch me like that. I don't know why I did that and it didn't arouse me, but I guess I thought he might enjoy it.
That was all that happened but in the morning when we spoke about it he became pretty defensive and claimed that 'he was just missing his girlfriend'. A couple of nights later, I put my arm around him again like before but he said that he didn't want me to do that and turned away which I found really hurtful. He again claimed that it was because he missed his girlfriend, but I remember the way he was with me that night and I think it was more than that.
My dilemma is that I don't think of my friend sexually and haven't masturbated while thinking about him, as he said that he'd done. I don’t look at his body in that way etc. But I do feel extremely strongly about him, which confuses me no end. Since I returned from our visit I have been feeling extremely low and don’t know what to think. I am extremely confused and those feelings of being unwanted and used have returned, to the level it’s affected my sleep and appetite.
Have the years of denying physical intimacy caused me to redirect my repressed emotions towards my friend? I feel like I just want to be close to him and be loved by him. Also, what is going on with my friend? He is absolutely terrified of his girlfriend cheating on him, yet did exactly that himself and now he’s claiming it isn’t a big deal. I am so confused right now and would really appreciate somebody’s outside opinion on the situation. Thanks for reading!
-Angus
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Aries
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