I just don't get it

[leslie]

At some point, at some level, isn't there some primal, ancestral need for a man to want a woman?? Before everyone starts sending hate mail, I just want to admit that I'm in love with a gay man and for all I've tried to forget it, subliminate it, I just cannot. I know that life and feelings and self-perception are fluid, constant. Instead of letting loose and throwing things, I've chosen silence and noncommunication with him and it's killing me. I'm angry!! We have so much history between us and he is my best friend. But I'm angry and feel unvalued in a way that I need from him. Should I tell myself, goodbye?:confused:

[colinmackay]

At some point, at some level, isn't there some primal, ancestral need for a man to want a woman?? Before everyone starts sending hate mail, I just want to admit that I'm in love with a gay man and for all I've tried to forget it, subliminate it, I just cannot. I know that life and feelings and self-perception are fluid, constant. Instead of letting loose and throwing things, I've chosen silence and noncommunication with him and it's killing me. I'm angry!! We have so much history between us and he is my best friend. But I'm angry and feel unvalued in a way that I need from him. Should I tell myself, goodbye?:confused:

So this guy is completely unaware why you are not speaking to him. Isn't that rather unfair on him? Don't you think he might be feeling rather upset by your lack of communication?

Why can't you just be friends?

Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk

[fenris]

mile:

You mean a real man should come back to the roots ? ... That don´t work ... he IS on his roots :-)
The Sex, Marriage, Happy Family thing ..will not work with your friend. But what can happen is a much higher and much more powerful level of a friendship... and you will see it, he will be on your side if your relationships with hetero-men break, when Problems come ... but on nice and funny Moments, too.
I know what I talk about ... my best girlfriend .. I know her since 28 Years... we talk about anything, she saw my bf´s gone by .. and I saw her bf´s gone by ... sometimes we sit here and we don´t need to talk... one know what the other thinks.
See him like a friend ... not like a maybe sex-partner... and you can build up a much better friendship as a relationship with him ever could be....

[marshlander]

You are brave to admit this to yourself and maybe even more so to us. It sounds very painful.

In my teenage years I knew I wanted children and I thought I needed a special woman in my life. I even married one. She had been my best friend for years. Deciding to get married ruined the friendship and neither of us found the sort of love we wanted from being married. We made each other miserable for decades before she finally divorced me.

Try re-voicing your opening sentence and see how it sounds ... "At some point, at some level, isn't there some primal, ancestral need for a woman to want a woman?"

[leslie]

Was your marriage awful? I was married to a straight man for 15 yrs and it was good, until it turned awful... How is it that you can love someone genuinely and not reciprocate sexually? I get your point; that is totally unnatural & bizarre to me, a woman?? But damn! Somewhere, deep down, that desire has got to be there. He proved it to me one night recently and now I'm angry that my best friend and soul mate is still gay. I can't talk to him. I don't care how many texts and calls I get, I'm angry!! I don't want bitterness so I'm keeping my mouth shut. But I'm angry:mad:

[marshlander]

When I was married I often caricatured everyday life in my own mind as warfare with occasional ceasefires. The problems began during the engagement, but I was too stupid to take note of all the warnings and my head was too full of religious indoctrination to give any consideration as to why those problems were there.

Yes, the bits worked at first and my desire to become a father was fulfilled. We loved our children, but I could not give her the kind of love she wanted and deserved. I'll tell you that I was so screwed up that I seriously thought sex was merely an advertising con trick, a way of selling stuff! :redface: It was not until I reached middle age that I met and fell in love with a man and finally realised how rewarding and powerful and just plain wonderful it is when love and sex happen in the same relationship.

In all likelihood, if current research is anything to go by, your friend was born gay. If I read between the lines you and he experimented? Despite the nutters in the ex-gay movement, you won't have turned him. He's still gay. There is some evidence of some fluidity in sexual orientation throughout life, but that usually is an expression of little shifts this way or that along the bisexual portion of the scale.

I'm sorry to hear that you are so angry. It sounds like you are feeling betrayed after being given some hope of your feelings being requited. How is it helping not to talk to him?

[leslie]

That's pretty funny because that's what I thought about my marriage too, towards the end anyways. But Miles was always my best friend, unfailingly, and stuck through it all with me. Through my father's death, the death of my marriage, all his stuff (and it's a lot!), he was always there! I shared everything, all my secrets with him, and vice versa; I never understood why he had to be gay though. I've tried to get a clue and insight into his community but at the end of the night I just can't because it hurts too much. Funny also, he calls me his best friend for that reason, bc I love him, not bc he's gay. That makes no sense whatsoever I know. Religious indoctrination?? haha I wouldn't even know where to begin on that one, raised Catholic by a pre-Vatican II mother who insisted we only attend the Latin Mass, and who had some choice words concerning choices I've made throughout the yrs, including my "Irish divorce" wherein we merely live separate lives but the church still views us as married. I'm angry because I gave myself and I haven't ever done so outside of my marriage. I cannot speak because when I do, the snark comes out and then the regret. Yikes! Enough!

[marshlander]

... I never understood why he had to be gay though. I've tried to get a clue and insight into his community but at the end of the night I just can't because it hurts too much.

The best and, in the end, the only response to that is summed up in the Stonewall slogan (and I'm only slightly embarrassed at posting a gratuitous picture of two hot men )



If you are ever going to be able to get on with your life again, what choice do you have?

Funny also, he calls me his best friend for that reason, bc I love him, not bc he's gay.

That's not funny, it sounds perfectly logical. It's easy to be best friends with someone who makes us feel good.

... I'm angry because I gave myself and I haven't ever done so outside of my marriage. I cannot speak because when I do, the snark comes out and then the regret. ...

Again, if you ever want to move on you have to start forgiving yourself. We all make mistakes and it sounds like he could be complicit in this one. You are allowed to think that he took advantage of your willingness to sacrifice for him, whatever reasons or motives were involved.

How about having yourself a "be nice to myself" day?

[Sil]

This is an interesting one...

on some theoretical evolutionary level, there's a part of me that agrees. Although I also think intuition is very different to logic, and really the desire to procreate is one that can be applied to either sexuality ; I believe the body alone is quite happy with sex, regardless of the outcome. It's the love and soul that lets you know it's right for you.

When I was young I thought having kids would be great, sometimes even now I think it would be nice to have an heir. I see my cousin's kids and they're wonderful, he makes a good father and there is a part of me that respects that as a gay man. Applying that to my own life would lead me to be unhappy in the long run though, as it's taken me a lot longer than some to find out who I am. I'm happy with my partner and it's almost like a daydream, like any fantasy, to imagine fitting in as a straight family man.

Before I shut up - my current boss met her husband after both being in bi/gay relationships seperately, so there is definitely a case for sexual fluidity past the teens and early 20s.

[leslie]

Those are some pretty hot guys all right! Are you sure they're gay? Now that's what I'm talking about... I don't care what anyone says, we women still have Anderson Cooper and David Beckham, not that their straight factor increases my chances!! Anyways but dare to dream haha!! I did have a "nice to me" day and all. Good to be alive kind of day in the hot summer of southern california, beach with the puppy and the best friend a bowl or two tonight and haha all is right with the universe Silence was broken as well; we all three enjoyed the sand and sun. Getting back to normal, whatever that is. But you know what? Normal has a fluid scale...this I know like my own name. Pass the aloe vera it was a burning sun today