Boyfriend ex-prostitute - help

[DarkDaisuke]

This is just my personal view; perhaps you should just take it easy and stop worrying so much about it. I'm sure he's having issues as well I mean come on at 15 or 16, having to be a prostitute? I can imagine he has some emotional baggage... and I kind of agree with Azulai in a sense. You're the older one here by a few years and I don't know I just think you might need to be more emotionally mature. I'm sure you can do it too, you seem like a smart enough person as you notice all of your emotions and that it's wrong to feel this way about the issue.

[rockstar1985]

Thank you all so much for your well thought-out responses. This is so helpful.

mrk2010-
No he has not done it since he was with me and I know that I can trust him totally. I am worried about sitting down with him about this because I don't want to bring up his traumatic past just because I can't get past this. I don't want to seem judgmental. But I do think you're right, the reality is that I do feel like this and I guess he should know how I feel whether it's right or not. Thanks so much for the advice.

azulai-
Thanks for the post. I tried to make it clear in my post that I really do realize that this is my problem and my baggage, and I think the way that I am feeling is unfair to him. As far as the money on the dresser, no, there is no way that I am trying to make him pay for his past. I simply put the money on my dining table. And I guess it could seem insensitive but I am not always thinking about his past every day (I think this is healthy!). Honestly I don't even know about how that transaction works, I didn't know money was left on a table. I really didn't. So I understand him but I would defend myself as far as mal intent goes.

I do not think I am better. I have my own baggage that may not be sexual but I am not easy to deal with either. I totally agree with you about moving on--the reason for the post was really how to deal with these feelings. No matter how much I tell myself to get over it I'm having uncontrollable thoughts. Maybe it will get better as time goes on, but it's really eating away at me.

About my conservative upbringing, it's not like my family is anti-gay evangelical or something but I AM from Texas. I can't apologize about where I'm from. I was just surrounded with "prudes" all my life and it's what I'm used to--no casual sex. I was also taught not to judge others. I am unapologetic about what I was taught, there are many things I am proud of and happy about. I'm glad that I never made the decision to engage in casual sex. However this does create roadblocks. Also there are many ways I have changed and became more open. Once you get older you start to be able to pick up the bad and good from your upbringing I think.

pellaz-
What you say is so true. He has accomplished a lot and I am proud of him in MANY ways! It's good to keep that in mind. When I have these thoughts I have to remind myself why I love him...

fenris-
I really haven't ever asked him about details. I'm starting to wonder that even if it is really hard to hear, maybe I need to know the facts about sexual partners, etc. to move on? My imagination runs wild with questions and I have some kind of masochistic curiosity that I don't completely understand. I want to know but at the same time I really don't. I guess I have some things to think about... but one thing about what you said about only the future mattering. It is really what I went into this relationship believing, seeing a changed person, but there are other ways that this comes up and affects us. Although people can change people are always affected by their past experiences I think. I hope we can get past that...

East-
Thanks for the questions. These are things that I need to ask myself. I am going to use the forum to think these through as I think best in writing.

What is it exactly that bothers you?
-I can't tell. I have this almost physical reaction and deep sadness when I hear or think about his sexual past. Also when we are having sex sometimes I am attacked by bad thoughts.

Why does it bother you?
-I really don't know... this is a good question. Logically I don't think it should but it does bother me deeply.
What exactly does it have to do with you?
-Nothing except in the ways it rears its head in our relationship at times.
Do you want to be his first time? -Yes
His best time? -Yes
Do you have an idea of what love is supposed to be?
-It seems awfully cocky to say a complete "yes" to this question. But I do believe that love includes full acceptance.
Why exactly does it bother you that other men were inside him?
-Because deep inside I want to be the only one. "Get over it" I know...
Why do you think a conservative background is the factor at play here?
-I think many people have more sexually open pasts and are more casual about the whole thing. I do not judge people but when it comes to the person I want to have such a close relationship I always thought I would be with someone similar. To me, sex is a very deep expression of love for someone and shouldn't be shared casually. That is something I can only apply to myself but also something I wish for in a partner. But I love him and I need to let this go.

ManicLewis21
I wish I could just calm down, I just keep being haunted by it. I think you're right about the insecurities getting better, at least I hope so.
About the empty sex - of course I have friends and I know many people who engage in this, but I really just can't understand what that feels like. To me it's the height of passion deep love for someone.

dfiant
Thanks for the understanding...I know many people can't understand ME either but I'm glad you see what I'm going through. I hope down to my core that our special moments together will eclipse his past. I wonder if this is possible after he's had so much trauma.

About the chat with him, I'm really thinking about it. Would I just tell him that I'm having these dark thoughts? I just don't see how to go about solving this, what can he do? He's changed his life and is doing his best to leave it behind him. Should I be selfish and ask him details? How many partners? How many times? I don't know if this information would make things better or worse. Of course it's bothering me and my imagination sometimes runs wild with curiosity about what he experienced intimately with other people.

bariuke
You're right that dwelling on it hurts me and him as well. What can I do to move on? Are there steps? I want to take action on this.

I really respect you for being able to be in relationships where a "spotty" past wasn't an issue--that sounds absolutely ideal. I hope things will go that way...

I don't know if I'm ashamed of him. I'm not sure exactly what that feels like. I love him with all my heart and I want to be done with his past, it's not part of us.

By the way I lived in Koga-shi for one year in high school, really close to Tatebayashi. Crazy coincidence!!

Again thank you everyone for the comments and advice. I am still feeling like I don't know where to turn. I guess the next step may be talking to him in a very respectful and matter-of-fact way about what I'm going through. Maybe he'll understand, maybe he won't. Maybe he will be hurt and feel like I'm judging him, but maybe that's something else we have to get through. I don't know if that's the key to setting me free. Maybe I need to know the facts about his past? I know myself and I know my imagination is usually worse than reality.

One more piece of advice I would really appreciate is if someone has an idea of how to move forward, or has any experience with this.

Thanks again!

[rockstar1985]

DarkDaisuke-
Thanks... actually posting on this forum has really helped me calm down. I would guess he is having issues but he doesn't talk with me about it. I understand that, I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt me either and really face that trauma head-on with me.

You're also right about emotional maturity - maybe I'm just not there. I don't have the control... my mind says one things and my emotions say another. One reminder of his past and I tear up. Public sex, group sex, sex with strangers... especially the way he is now it's such a shock it seems like it can't even be true but when I'm faced with that reality I just break down. In many ways I do feel like he was a victim of his situation. I won't go into that because I would end up writing a novel, but I actually do understand what led him to that.

[marshlander]

Whilst agreeing with others here that a good talk with him is probably going to be helpful I can't help thinking that this could well be a case for professional counselling. You have identified the problem, you think you know the solution. It just sounds like you need a little guidance with the route home. If you can, keep him involved. Let him know you are troubled by what you are thinking, that you don't want to place the relationship under more pressure, that you understand if he is not in a place where he can talk to you freely about his past, that you love him and that you want to get through this. Then gently let him know that you want to do whatever it takes to get past these potential stumbling blocks before they become not just a problem for you but for him and for your relationship. If you decide to seek outside help, let him know you are considering seeking therapy and ask his opinion.

In my relationship I am the one with a more colourful past and anyone who has chatted to PA will know how he likes to ask questions! I can talk to him about pretty much anything because I trust him.

I don't know if this helps, but I have found counselling marginally useful on a couple of occasions. How useful it has been has become more apparent much later on.

Best wishes to you and your man.

[rockstar1985]

marshlander
Thanks very much for the reply. Do you think it's normal for a couple of 5 months to seek counseling together? Also I wonder how many sessions we would need? I don't know much about it but I'm doubting I can afford it right now .

I can't imagine what it would be like to discuss past experiences so freely like you and your BF. In one way it sounds ideal but for me I don't think this is something I can have in my day-to-day. Did it start out like that or were there hurdles getting there?

[mrk2010]

Just talk to him, he may actually be hurting to, I'm sure you will get throughout this. I also agree with marshalander about the counseling better to heal a wound in the relationship completely than put a band aid over it and it getting worse. I have a feeling you two will be just fine, they way you talk about him you obviously adore him and he you. mile:

[rockstar1985]

mrk2010
Thanks! I am so worried about a conversation. Once I was feeling really insecure about my lack of experience and I asked him a question... I asked how I am in bed on a scale of 1 to 10, and then I asked what was the best sex he had. I told him to be absolutely honest. Then I couldn't handle the answer... he said I'm an 8 and that he's had a 9 before... I completely couldn't handle that and I wish I never asked because it kills me!! If I can't handle that can I handle anything?? So worried...

[mrk2010]

Buddy calm down and don't worry. One thing you must not do is ask him to rate you. It sounds like you aren't confident sexually, just relax he obviously is with you for a reason other than sex. Although he may have said your an 8 in bed you obviously rate much much much much much higher in other ways. Your smile? Your kindness? Your understanding? Obviously to him you are his everything, how many guys would stand by their man like you? Buddy you seem like one of a kind. Also just think as time goes by you will gain more life experience and sexual experience. A good relationship is built on more than sex, most guys would kill for a relationship like yours, savor it and calm down. Just speak from your heart to him I'm sure he will appreciate it. mile: please let us know how you get on, but I'm sure you will be just fine. mile:

[azulai]

Hi, Ken.
Thanks for replying back.
I just want you to know that I do know where YOU are coming from with the conservative background. And, it does take us work to be more open and understanding about others when it comes to things that we would never even consider doing ourselves. I don't know that I could enter in a relationship similar to what you have. If you only knew what I put my bf through...let's just say, I'm way more prudish than you. :tongue:

Your thoughts about his past may have started out as empathy on your part but they have evolved into a vicarious empathy that you are using to torture yourself. Have you had a good cry? I ask that because I think you are mourning things that you can never be with this man you love so much. Your reality is a complete dichotomy to your expectations/dreams/desires for a relationship. This is what I think you are having so much trouble trying to accept. I don't think the problem is you accepting his past at all, but of you accepting the lost of your dream of what you want to be to someone. You need to determine how important that dream is. Your dream may need to evolve.

To me, sex is a very deep expression of love for someone and shouldn't be shared casually. That is something I can only apply to myself but also something I wish for in a partner.

I could have written this. In fact, if you were to search past posts, I think I've written something similar. lol. I know sex can be just sex, just a need, but I don't ever want to it to not be making love for me personally.

Could the question that you are longing to ask your boyfriend be: how could he go with random men? How could he? It's something you and I can't wrap our heads around. Are you sure you are not angry at him for his choices? Are you sure? I have amazing self-control. It's almost self-destructive sometimes. Could it be anger that's eating at you?

I can't imagine what it would be like to discuss past experiences so freely like you [marshlander] and your BF.

Really?
How come?
Maybe you need to open yourself up to him.
You see, to me, you are sharing some pretty intimate physical stuff with this boyfriend --how come you can't share the intimacy of your mind?
I think you have this driving need to protect and maybe you want to protect him from your true feelings about some of the things he's done in his past. You don't want to come across as judging, but we do have a system of values. I don't think your relationship will have an honest chance if you don't let your bf reassure you, comfort you, or hold you when life is overwhelming. I think you are overwhelmed. He's a 22 year old man, that's overcome obstacles, earned a degree and is in a relationship. He must have some mental fortitude. Surely, he can handle an honest discussion with you? Maybe you are struggling with not being the protector but needing that safe harbor yourself? I think if you let some of your walls down, you may be surprised.

But I love him and I need to let this go.

One thing that worries me is that your relationship is just five months old.
You may be putting way too much pressure on yourself and a new relationship. You may be trying to accept too quickly what only time and mutual respect can achieve. Are you happy with all other aspects of the relationship? It's seems like you might be living together. Is that working out well? You may be now realizing that what you first ideally thought you could handle, you in fact, cannot. Could that be what you are worried about?

Again, thanks for replying back. I sincerely hope you find peace.

[Mikey1]

Hi Rockstar 1985 (Ken) I can understand where you're coming from, been there and got the tee shirt, your relationship is still early and it sounds to me you care for your bf and he cares for you a great deal,
We all carry baggage, thats life, a lot of water has gone under the bridge for both of you since your bf was 15 and he seems to have handled it well and moved on. Your post title summed it up for me.
Boyfriend ex-prostitute - help. He's left it behind and 22 now and graduated so a grown man.
The support you offer him can be a lot more than money in love and support.
I really do wish you both luck
To move on I would always suggest talking to each other, a problem shared and all that.
Love to you both xx