Why do i feel this way?

[cjp4456]

Here it goes. I am 23 y/o man and just recently (within the past couple of months) have come out to my parents, ex-fiance`, and very close friends of mine. Everyone was completely shocked, and are now in denial (including myself every now and then). I KNOW that i am gay but have complexes when i think of myself leading on a gay life. I am a very masculine man, and have been brought up around the same, and all of my buddies are very masculine as well. I figured that it would help by talking to other gay men, because before i came out of the closet i was never really around the gay community. Initially, I just wanted to find friends that i could talk to and hope that they could help, but recently I found a man that is very masculine that would fit me perfectly. Here in-lys the issue. I love when i am on the phone with him or chatting video camera, but when i am not speaking with him i think about all of the people around me and what life (straight) i was living not but just a couple of months ago. I really like this man, but i worry and freaked out about living a gay life with a man for the rest of my life! I have not met him in person yet, and am not sure what exactly will happen when i kiss him. I get freaked out, because i have never kissed a man before but have dreamed about it and loved it in the dreams. Also, i am a people pleaser and wonder what people will think if they know that i am talking to him in the way that i am, or what they would think if i were to potentially ever date him.

Has anyone else gone through this same situation, i am so confused and nervous. Please help.

[jbrowder24]

It is normal to feel this way. Your whole life you've been conditioned to believe something that isn't true, but admitting the truth is only first step. You must also become comfortable with yourself. From watching movies with gay romances to talking on places like here, it is good to find those spots where you can begin to feel like being gay won't uproot the rest of your life. My first date with a guy, I was petrified! Of course he didn't look exactly like his pics, so there was a lack of interest in my part anyway - but even if he had been hot, I just was so scared. I hope if you meet this guy you can keep your nerves at bay, because he sounds like a great guy. Is there any chance of meeting others just as friends first? If not, just keep things low-key. Hopefully he's someone that has gone through the same things and will understand.

We can't worry about pleasing everyone when it comes to this stuff. My sisters asked me, "How do you know?" as I had never been with a girl sexually. They didn't understand. And it was hard to feel different. But I knew I had to be true to myself. This guy might end up a fun fling, or he could be the love of your life. Either way, is it really something you want to pass up because of what others *might* think? And it does get easier. MUCH easier. You just need to give yourself some time and know it's normal to feel confused as you do.

[fenris]

Hi and Welcome,

I think at first you have to accept yourself, you have to know that you are not sick, not mad .. not whatever... you are only gay, thats all. Many gay people think that the have to life in a way which other ( mostly straight ) people say.... or better: What they mean what a gay man is, how he has to act...how he has to life and so on.
A funny way of descritption : A gay man is like a straight man... the difference is only one man more in your bed .. and one women less.
Do what you want .. do what is you way of life ... and when you are masculine .. ok.. when you are more feminine ..ok ... when you prefere masculine men... Ok .. when you prefere a more of less femine man ..OK... Nobody has to decide that for you only you
And very important : Nobody can live your life... not you parents, not your friends, not your brothers or sisters... and not your neighbours. Its your life... so be yourself...and if other people are shocked .. or thinking that you do something wrong.: Hear what your body and much more your soul say.
Learn to be a proud, gay and masculine men.... mile:

What I want to say to your friendship with this man : Do what you think what is right your you.... maybe tell him about your fears .. your problems with being gay... and I´m sure that it is not a problem for the friendship. Nobody is or was a perfect lover from the day of his birth, you have to learn and to accept another man in your life ... and you have to learn what you want from this man. Meet him - if you think the time is right - and then go further .. and if you feel that you are not ready, don´t do anythink what you don´t want to do .. but be honest

And if you are unsure... or have problems, or you want to talk : We are here.... many members of this forum know about problems a gay man has in his coming out.

[musicman2229]

Congratulations on finally coming out, and I'm sorry things aren't going smoother for you. Isn't it strange how we have been conditioned to view living a homosexual life as strange, even though we know deep down it's the only life we could live and have any hope of happiness? I definitely feel the same way when I think of where I could be in 10 years, and even though I've been out for almost a year now, I still occasionally initially picture myself in a straight marriage, even though I am only sexually attracted to men. Then I catch myself, and thinking "oh wait, I'll probably be with a man instead of a woman" always feels a little strange. Your situation reminded me of an interview I saw on Larry King a while ago. I couldn't find the video, but I did find a very concise summery on religiondispatches.org. When, because of my ingrained homophobia, I am having trouble picturing the homosexual relationship that I know will be my best shot at peace and inner happiness, I try to remember this conversation.

When Mel White, founder of Soulforce was on Larry King Live, a caller asked what Mel and his partner did in bed. Larry King hung up on the caller for being rude, but Mel White answered anyway, “What do we do in bed? We’ve been together for 24 years—we sleep.”
Larry replied. “Yes when these religious people realise that you are just as boring as the rest of us then the debate is over”

[dfiant]

I KNOW that i am gay but have complexes when i think of myself leading on a gay life. I am a very masculine man, and have been brought up around the same, and all of my buddies are very masculine as well. I figured that it would help by talking to other gay men, because before i came out of the closet i was never really around the gay community.

Firstly, the complex or stereotype that being gay means that you are less than masculine is something you need to get right out of your head first, it's a falicy created by less than secure hetereosual society.

You are not any differant in coming out, accepting and admittting sexuality does not change who you are, there are simply 'cosmetic' changes, and by that I mean, perception or more accurately, misperception.

You were a masculine man before you came out, but you knew you were gay before you came out, why should masculinity be an issue after you came out?

[pellaz]

i guess i went through the same stuff but i gave myself more time. you have a whole life.

my partner is really different than i am. definitely more fem. i like to work on cars, do some home networking, goto the gym. so you should date a few guys before you make a decision who, what type you like. for me its all about what they bring to the table. i dated someone who was like me and we didnt get along. sure its me but just putting the idea out there for you.

[CellarDweller]

everyone else who posted said it better than I could. There is great advice on this thread.

Congratuations on coming out!

[Gabbyboy]

Firstly, the complex or stereotype that being gay means that you are less than masculine is something you need to get right out of your head first, it's a falicy created by less than secure hetereosual society.

dfiant is right, it has nothing to do with masculinity, whats important is if you have strong feelings for the same sex then you are gay or bi if both sexes.

[cjp4456]

Thank you all for your posts!! Its always good to have positive feed back

[AlaricXY]

Do what's best for you, pal. Life's too short for regrets. You care for your loved ones but you want to live your life. Well, there must be action and consequences. But you must think for yourself, a life lived by someone else ideas of right and wrong is just plain sad and it's not much different than a puppet. Gather your strength and courage, choose to live the life the way you wanted it to be. Once you have exercised acceptance, life's less depressing. Believe me, I've been there.

On that guy you like, consider it as a baby step to start a gay man life. Give him a shot and see if you two clicked. Aren't you tired of telling yourself lies and just wannna materialize your dreams and thoughts into reality? You can now, your opportunity is waiting for you. Take it and have control on your life for once.

I noticed you live in USA on the side details, well, what are you complaining about what to do, buddy? Wanna switch place with me? I'm 19, and I'm stucked in a not very gay-tolerant country. Gays are oppressed here. Life's not looking too good for me now, sadly. Look at the liberty and freedom enjoyed by the gays at your place, you can be a part of it too if you choose to make a change and take a stand.
If you just stand aside and what life goes by before your eyes, you'll be a history soon.

Go out and celebrate gay pride. Coz trust me, gay men have been through enough, and it's time to end our struggle when we come out.