What can i do to come over shyness?

[dfiant]

Low self esteem and low confidence are learned behaviours, and we all learn different behaviours through our lives based on what we have experienced.

I was bullied big time through my high school years and that left me introverted and with low self esteem and my confidence with people outside my very close and small social circles was literally non-existant through my teen years and into my early 20's.

So you see you put up these walls to protect yourself. Avoiding situations that have previously made you uncomfortable.

As low self-esteem is a learned behaviour, so is self assurance and confidence, sometimes it just takes a change of environment (Something as little as going from High School to College, or something as major as living in a foreign country).

Aester, there is nothing wrong with the way you feel, and I would hazard to guess that a large majority of 18 year olds in the world feel the same as you, but life changes and you will change with life and when you find your niche, your confidence and self-esteem will benefit.

As form massages, as pleasant as they are, there are no rules saying that you have to like them or be aroused by them, so the way that you feel about masaages is natural.

As for your thoughts on Aspergers, please don't self diagnose yourself, as what you see as symptoms could lead you to self diagnosing 100 different medical conditions and in reality you have none of those conditions, and self diagnosing can often lead to depression over something that doesn't really exist.

[XRIMO]

The best advice I have ever seen on the subject and advice I have taken myself: "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."— Rumi

That is pretty much what I see a therapist about... I have way too many barriers to take down, its a difficult process.

Good luck Aester! I'm sure you can find an answer and someone to be with. I'm in the same boat, so I have to hold onto hope. mile:

[chicagostyle]

i have the same problem with the relationship part. But im pretty confident in myself, i have a decent self esteem, sometimes i doubt myself but nothing major

[SleepTalker]

I ask myself that question pretty much every day aester. How am i supposed to love myself? I dont know the answer to that. I guess you should start by being more comfortable with yourself. You know what you like and what you dont like. No one knows you better than yourself. If people dont like your look or personality then you probably aren't meant to be friends with them. It pretty much all comes down to you being comfortable with yourself and loving yourself.

[faceslikemine]

i have the same problem with the relationship part. But im pretty confident in myself, i have a decent self esteem, sometimes i doubt myself but nothing major

Agreed. I have learned to trust myself, but trusting others is a different thing.

I have great friends who I appreciate all the more now that I live in a different city from them....I will just say that I am fussy about choosing my close friends which is why I find it hard to find friends who really count. But surely this is isn't so odd?

[azulai]

These are some things I did when I was struggling with some issues a couple of years ago. Maybe you can find something useful or adapt something to suit your needs. I still work this way.

The physical act of writing tends to help me focus, so keeping a handwritten journal helps me sort through ideas. Take an honest look at yourself. It's very similar to standing naked in front of the mirror, but instead of looking at your physical self you are looking at your internal self stripped bare. You may want to include physical things if that's where you want to go. IDK.

But, be honest and think about things that others have said about you as in good and also the criticisms. Those things that people said that got you defensive, well, now is the time to listen with different ears. If someone made an observation that didn't sit well with you, or a criticism see it now as constructive criticism. The most important thing you can do for yourself is learn how to take constructive criticism. Kind of make yourself a list. {First, consider the source and rate the criticism to see if it has merit.}

Draw some columns on the paper with headings: positives/negatives, strengths/weaknesses, likes/dislikes. IDK. You have to adapt it to things that work for you, but take your list and place those things in the various columns.

That's your starting point. That's your working list. Then, just sit down and quietly reflect on your list. Let days go by but keep looking at your list, add, delete, move things around. Think about it during the day as you are interacting with others and see if there are new things to add.

For me, I firmly believe we are who we are and we can't change the essence of who we are. It's just not going to happen. It's the way we should be. But, I do think we can change our actions. We can change our behavior, but again, I don't think we can change the core of who we are and we shouldn't try. It goes against our nature.

So, I then worked on selecting a few things that were either under weaknesses/negatives/dislikes about myself and I focused on that. I made friends with it, in the sense that I accepted that as an aspect of my personality that was always going to be there. Then, I asked myself how I could change what I perceived as a negative into a positive.

For example, you said you are shy. I think that is at the very core of you, and you will probably always be a quiet person. There is nothing wrong with that, but you want to feel more confident when interacting with others. Well, for the last two years of high school, two of my best friends and I volunteered at a senior home. We would go play music on Sunday afternoons for a little while and after we would talk and have juice with our captive audience. lol. It was related to our ethnicity and we would play old folk/cultural music. But, the thing is I learned to make conversation, and listen. It helped some lonely people but it gave me a safe and friendly place to become more confident, a better listener, develop empathy, hold someone's hand, look in someone's eyes and connect.

You may say, I don't want to hang around a bunch of old people. But, I don't think it's good to hang around with people only our age. You learn nothing; there is no challenge to your mind or your heart. But, I'm not saying you should do this, but just find something where you can volunteer and interact with people who are going to be happy to see you.

So, I would say a solution to shyness, is push yourself out the door, and make a change. Also, if you are in school, you could join your LGBT group, and see if there are sub-groups based on interests. But, definitely have a mix of age friends.

Well, to get back to the list. After you work on shyness, pick something else and problem solve a way to channel it into a positive.

So, then you asked about what does loving yourself even mean. Well for me, loving yourself comes from knowing who you are to your core -- realistically know the good and bad (see list :biggrin accepting those things, challenging yourself to be better, finding the humor in your idiosyncrasies, and cherishing how you are different. Know your faults and failings, know humility, know your breaking points, know your strengths -- learn to use all of those things to your advantage. And, if you haven't laughed at yourself at least once during the day, you are doing something wrong.

Realize that you don't want to be like anyone else or follow anyone else's path. Find your own voice and speak; find your own path and walk.

I am a little confused by your post and your mention of massages. Is it someone trying to get too close too soon? But, then you say you haven't had a romantic relationship yet, so I'm not sure I understand the context of the massage issue.

I'll be honest, I am in my first romantic relationship of just five months. I'm so glad I didn't rush and that I did spend the last four years focusing on school and becoming a better me. I still have a lot of work to do, it's an ongoing process, but I am very aware of who I am, my faults and my strengths. I will say this, some of those things that my bf said he loves about me are yes, some of my strengths, but quit a few of them are weaknesses that I now channel in a different direction. So, you never know, you just never know…

You also say you think you are too quick to find faults in others, well, maybe since you realize this (and this should be on your list), when you catch yourself doing this, see if you should give the person another chance, and maybe go from there.

Maybe even think about what you want and need in a relationship. I knew I had to have someone who is a match for certain qualities because if not, I would steam roll that other person. My personality is too strong, I have to work on softness. And, I'm very active, and if someone is too passive they just wouldn't be able to keep up. It would not be fair to the other person. I knew I could not tolerate a clingy person, or endless chatter.

So, would you call that too picky? To me, that's not being too picky, that was me being realistic. And, not wanting to doom a relationship to failure. I also study a lot, so the other person had to respect that. Well, funny thing is I met someone who studies even more than I do. lol. And we can be together and study and consider it a date. We also exercise together and yes, a nice massage is a reward.

So, I guess what I'm saying is don't focus so much on random looking, but look with a purpose. Know what you want and take risks and go after it. Make a fool of yourself a few times, pick yourself up, try again. If you think Mr. Confident didn't get shot down a few times, you are quite mistaken.

Best wishes.

[dfiant]

wow...I mean...WOW

Azulai, thats fantastic, great advice and you are worth your weight in gold. I think everyone can take something from your advice, and I especially hope Aester does

[Aester]

I can be quite confusing and its pretty well known (Probably negative), even in my own language do have difficulties to express my self to 100% and I often tries to avoid having deep conversation cause what i really meant didn't i point out and I have hard pulling out a summary out of a big text instead I pull out sentences.

I want to have someone to hold dear, someone to cheer me up after a bad day, someone to share thoughts etc. But often when i get pretty close to someone, like an old class mate of mine, she invited me to a birthday party at hers but as i came to her all different paranoid thoughts popped out. ''I do not know any here, why did she want me here? Is this some kind of cruel prank? Embarrass me? And where is she, why did she invite me, out of all people? This isn't normal... Bla bla bla...'' so i drank my self stupid and puked all over her couch when i knew inside that she was an innocent person. It wasn't romantic relation, we were just friends at the time but i was pretty interested at the time in her.

I am trying not to be so judgmental and to be open, but its hard. I do not care if someone is old or not, at least try, but like the other day i hanged with a friend of mine and he meet a friend of his, and i was just conflicting my self under that time ''Oh my god, why the fuck do we hang around a Bum, so embaressing'' when I tried to think ''Why do i think like that? He has just been nice to me all time, he is just a human like everyone else, why am i so shallow?''. It isn't just him, i find something wrong with most i meet that makes me passive when i try to be not, but its like a defense mechanism.

I am following my own voice and I am trying my best to be an individual, cause frankly the though of being one of a crowd don't i like, but i do not know what way is my way. As stated in many of my posts I find my self stopped at a Crossroad where I do now know where to turn to.

Your advise was really great i must say (Those others were also great aswell) and i thank you for it

[Almac]

How the fuck can i love my self then? (Sorry but I am in quite in a grumpy mood atm)

[SIZE="2"][COLOR="Navy"]
Oh Aester, we all get grumpy, at least you're not bottling it up, I think that's a good sign..[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[LateBloomer]

I can be quite confusing and its pretty well known (Probably negative), even in my own language do have difficulties to express my self to 100% and I often tries to avoid having deep conversation cause what i really meant didn't i point out and I have hard pulling out a summary out of a big text instead I pull out sentences.

I want to have someone to hold dear, someone to cheer me up after a bad day, someone to share thoughts etc. But often when i get pretty close to someone, like an old class mate of mine, she invited me to a birthday party at hers but as i came to her all different paranoid thoughts popped out. ''I do not know any here, why did she want me here? Is this some kind of cruel prank? Embarrass me? And where is she, why did she invite me, out of all people? This isn't normal... Bla bla bla...'' so i drank my self stupid and puked all over her couch when i knew inside that she was an innocent person. It wasn't romantic relation, we were just friends at the time but i was pretty interested at the time in her.

I am trying not to be so judgmental and to be open, but its hard. I do not care if someone is old or not, at least try, but like the other day i hanged with a friend of mine and he meet a friend of his, and i was just conflicting my self under that time ''Oh my god, why the fuck do we hang around a Bum, so embaressing'' when I tried to think ''Why do i think like that? He has just been nice to me all time, he is just a human like everyone else, why am i so shallow?''. It isn't just him, i find something wrong with most i meet that makes me passive when i try to be not, but its like a defense mechanism.

I am following my own voice and I am trying my best to be an individual, cause frankly the though of being one of a crowd don't i like, but i do not know what way is my way. As stated in many of my posts I find my self stopped at a Crossroad where I do now know where to turn to.

Your advise was really great i must say (Those others were also great aswell) and i thank you for it

Just be gentle with yourself and others.

Your age is a difficult one; caught between man and boy. Not to mention your testosterone is RAGING right now.

There's a very specific reason young men are recruited into the Armies of the world at exactly your age. Your blood is being pumped full of testosterone right now and that causes anger and aggression. I bet you just feel like you wanna rip off someone's head, am I right?



Just try some relaxation techniques; like praying, meditating, whatever works for you. Get lots of exercise. LOTS. And cut back on the alcohol. Remember whatever you're mixing that alcohol with is also mixing with your testosterone and the result is a wicked cocktail that runs through your brain.

But don't worry, as you age, you'll mellow out, like a fine wine. The rough edges will be smoother and you'll have depth of character.

Hang in there.