The use of the word...'Friend'

[Shadow]

Hokay so, following-on from Hellocake's thread about people's use (or misuse) of the word "gay" when they say "that's so GAY", I thought I'd start up a thread about a similar term that gets under my skin a bit, and that's when people say "how's your FRIEND" when they mean your boyfriend ... or "(Shadow) has a FRIEND that stays with him" rather than he has a BOYfriend.

Similar to "that's so GAY", describing your boyfriend as your "friend" makes them, on a strict interpretation of the phrase (to my mind) indistinguishable from your other "friends" so when people say "(Shadow) has a FRIEND", I usually answer saying "I have several actually" ... but what gets under my skin is that it just sounds so condescending ?

It's almost like I feel I'm being patted on the head by a grown-up when it's being said, y'know ?

I'm an adult, I'm a homo. Don't PATRONISE me muthaf*cka !! .

What are you thoughts on this ?

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[spotysocks]

To me this is more annoying from 'that's so gay'. They might say it in a good will not to intrude or being discreet in case you need discretion but i seriously doubt it.

I find the trick when you are asked a question you dont like is to turn the question back to them.
My reply could vary from a polite 'shut up' or a polite 'fine thanks he is my boyfriend BTW! How's your friends? Boy girl? How many? Do they know? ect ' That's it! They dont ask again not this way at least... RESPECT or think i am a bit mad which is always a good thing

[Michael]

While I agree.....

I tend to also try and give some slack here since for so many heteroseuxals they are out of their depth still. Look how many gay men still try to hide behind the "it's my private life" or "what I do in bed..." concept. A lot fo stright people are still a little ...stuck..with exactly how they are supposed to proceed I think. A mis of them be embarrassed with the subject and not wanting to maybe embarrass us (their friends) at the same time.

This is where I think we definatley need to be stronger in letting them know exactly what we feel and think. Not a single one of my family or friends would ever make this mistake...because they know me and my relationship. Ambiguousness breeds ambiguousness. As long as we desimilate they are left trying to fill in the spaces as best they can.

MORE irritating to me...(as long as we are doing this) is the term boyfreind by straights and gays alike for me when we have been together for 20 years. Straight couples of "an age" are emmediately assumed to be husband and wife....even after I tell people we are married I still get boyfriend....

Boyfriend...makes me feel 18 and giggly. We were walking last year and two...maybe 12-13 year old girls walked passed and said, "isn't that cuuuuute!" Oh my god. Cute? So condescending I wanted to slap them both. Gay freinds still use the term as well. My brother has been married 5 times since we have been together..and we're still boyfriends....maybe we'll have a date this friday.....

Gggggrrrrrrrrr :-(

[Shadow]

I can see why you'd find that frustrating babe, but to my mind it's still further down the line than friend ...

Friend, to me, is condescending. There should be no gray area. If you're out, you're out and you shouldn't be surprised when people identify you as a gay man - surely that was the point of coming out in the first place ?? So that you wouldn't have to hide behind the charade ?

To me, "friend" is a word people would use when you're closeted and they know you're gay, but they're trying to make your life a bit easier ... it's not really appropriate once you're out, because the A, B, C must surely be Come Out, Find a Partner, Settle Down ... ((( if that's your preference of course ))).

... but yeah - I see what you're saying ... the "friend" thing just gets under my skin's all mile:. xx

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[Michael]

I know, and I do agree,

I just try and let my non-homo friends know how I feel, but understand that it's territory that they are unfamilair and...most likely uncomfortale with. It would seem from common sense that if you are out you don't care....but as we know, common sense isn't something that everyone has in abundance ;-)

I do think however from their perpective that they are trying to do us a favor rather than being condescending. I guess it's hard for them to believe that even though we are out that we still are ok with it... if that makes any sense?

Most of us see the world only through our own eyes....so while they try to jump on board for us, many still don't get it. So not outing you to others, on their part, seems to them like they are doing you a favor.

Sweet and stupid and frustrating all at once. I remember when I first came out my mom asked me how she wanted her to deal with it. I said however made it easier for her. (Little did I know!) She went on an all out offensive. Carried mine and Freds composite cards around. When people asked how I was doing, she's say "fine! And this is his boyfriend!"

:-)