Long story. Here are the basics. Around 1997 my mom told me that my dad is gay and having affairs with men on the side. She even knew one guy's name and the town he lived in. Another guy was a 'friend' of my dad that even went on vacation with us once. Looking back they did go on 'walks' together a lot. Anyway, she said he didn't know she knew, and I never mentioned it to him either. At first I really wasn't convinced that he is gay, but over the years I've accidentally come across things that strongly support that he IS gay including a very X-rated internet browser history (my dad is notorious for not clearing it of gay porn sites), suggestive photos of him with another man that were in his car (I was a back seat passenger and they were just left on the floor in plain view - I wasn't snooping), and numerous online gay profiles & personal ads. My mom (his wife of 40 years) died in 2009 at age 64 from cancer. A few months before my mom died, my dad was contacted by a woman he briefly dated in high school. He is 68 and she is 66. Soon after my mom died they started spending a lot of time together. My dad was lonely and she is also a widow so I was glad they had each other for companionship. Over the months I could tell she was starting to get really attached to my dad and made assumptions that their companionship was more than friendship. I've expressed my concerns about her expectations to my dad and he agreed but he's very non-confrontational and I'm sure he hasn't spoken to her about it (which means she probably assumes she is correct thinking that they are in a romantic relationship). Anyway, as recently as a few weeks ago I was visiting my dad with my kids and husband, and volunteered to 'Google' something that we couldn't remember. When I opened his laptop, his internet browser was left open on his gay Facebook profile (he has one in his own name but this was his 'secret' profile under a false name that he frequently uses for these purposes). He also had numerous gay personal ad sites open. I just discreetly closed them without anyone (or him) noticing and went on with my Google search. My dad has his house for sale right now and the woman he is 'dating' (if you can really call it that) will be moving in on December 1st. They are also planning to buy a house together once my dad's house sells. This stresses me out very much! From the beginning she has been WAY more into him. All of these years she has been thinking of him fondly, but I never even heard of her until she contacted him out of the blue. I know my dad genuinely enjoys her companionship with is great but she isn't looking for that - she clearly wants a LTR. My dad isn't a millionaire but he does have a lot to lose financially if things go amiss with her. I am considering talking with my dad about what my mom told me (that he is gay) and the things I've come across to support that. I don't care if my dad is gay, but I DON'T like that he has been hiding it all of these years, cheating on my mom, and now he's bringing another woman into it while he's actively seeking men on the side. The way I see it she WILL find out after she moves in because he's sloppy about it and doesn't hide the 'evidence' well. Then what??? I don't want him to be in that situation. I am an only child so I really don't have any family to discuss this with. My husband says not to say anything but I don't feel like that's the right thing to do. I'm not trying to 'out' my dad unwillingly but am I wrong to feel this way since he's being so deceptive? Please - what do I do? What do I say? I don't want to embarrass my dad but I also don't want him to hurt this woman or end up in an unpleasant situation. If she finds out she will be hurt, mad and will surely say nasty things about him to people. I don’t want him to face any of that either. Advice PLEASE!!!
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Your father grew up in a different time and fears of homophobia are ingrain in his nature as most of his friends are from the same times, so he fears repercussions. So his deceptions is rationalised as protecting himself. I'm not going to say he is right or wrong, but he thinks he is doing the right thing for himself and his family.
To be honest, I don't think there is a great deal you CAN do except send subtle messages that you don't see a problem with homosexuality/homosexuals, little things like talk about DADT, or gay marriage, something that is currently in the news so it doesn't look like you are prompting him.
You can't change your father's behaviour, but you can let your father know that you are accepting.
I'm sorry to hear that you are in such a situation, it must be really hard for you.
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Thank you for your reponse. My dad knows that I am fine with homosexuality - we have 2 close cousins that are lesbians and many GLBT friends among us. That's not even an issue thankfully. I do understand the generatonal issues to some extent, but I feel like he should just be single rather thn paticipate in someting so potentially hurtful and humiliating (for him as he would see it). It's just difficult because I HATE seeing him drag this woman that is SO obviously in love with him and has been thinking about him for decades since high school (I'm not even exaggerating!) into this mess! I don't care if my dad comes out now or ever - that is his choice. I just do not understand how someone so kind & generous in his regular life could be so deceptive and cruel in his 'secret' life. Regardless of what I decide to do, I won't say anything about it to anyone (only one that knows is my husband) so he could continue to live his life the way he wishes.
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Dear MDIG, I believe that your dad may have kept his secret a secret so that he could go on honouring his vows to your mum. It may not have been the best way to treat her, but as dfiant said, in those days, things were very different and the culture was very different. It may be that your dad is not only gay but bisexual, so he was trying to get fulfillment from all sorts of sources. Do you have any reason to believe that his love for his wife was not real, nonetheless, or that he didn't care for his family (even if you were an only child?)? Maybe your dad didn't cover his tracks too well, because, in the end, the lie was beginning to be too big and bulky to hide. But still, if his family (and maybe some friends) know, what good is it going to bring to his life? Are you trying to preserve the new lady friend from disappointment and sorrow? Is your wish for your father to be able to admit who he is and to be able to go on living with this new knowledge?
You seem to be looking for answers that would help you apprehend the problem and understand his mentality. The thing about gays is that, unless they have contracted some good solid friendships and love partners in their younger years, they are likely to feel extremely lonely in old age. Maybe he does not want to have to go through these last years of his life alone and lonely. Maybe this woman showing him support, concern and friendship, and love apparently, is what he needs to get through his life now, especially as he is surely still mourning his wife, your mother. Maybe it is a very lonely place for him at the moment, and since his history of being gay has all been about no-tomorrow encounters, I'm not surprised he's feeling that way.
I think you should really make him feel that he has backup with his family. But then again, maybe it is not practical if you are yourself in a relationship and have a family and can't be closer to him for any reason.
Good luck in broaching the subject of his move and everything that you see going on at the moment. You may want to send your dad a letter to explain how you see things. Maybe it will avoid confrontation, that way.
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hello there,
My best advice is to ask your father to go for a coffee in town and explain to him that you are aware of his sexuality and grab his hand and tell him you still love him because he is your father... Explain to him that in your younger years you did suspect and was told about his sexuality by your mum... Advise him that your scared his going to hurt this new woman and get caught out if his not careful and tell him if he wants to be with a man in life thats ok too... Tell him its not a sin being gay or anything like that as people in life are naturally gay... Explain your not going to judge him for it and respect who he is as a person because his your dad... Least this way it will help stop one woman getting hurt
Kindest regards
zeon x
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Hello, mdig. The first thing that comes to my mind on reading your message is that your father is very fortunate having such a caring, kind and considerate daughter. Whether his unguarded actions were deliberate or genuinely careless I found it touching that you have been able to help him maintain some degree of dignity in this difficult situation. I am sorry that your mother's expectations of the kind of marriage she must have anticipated at the outset were not met in the way she undoubtedly hoped. Nature plays some very cruel tricks on us sometimes. It looks like the way your parents chose to cope was by never discussing it. Of course we can all appreciate why, but it must have been very painful for both of them.
Normally I would advocate staying out of the situation, but I feel as though I want to make an exception in this particular instance. At 68, who knows how much time you father has left? My partner, princealbertofb, and I have both lost parents this year so bereavement is at the forefront of many of our thoughts. Obviously I know nothing about the quality of the relationship between your mother and father, but even if it was good for much of the time his homosexuality would have been a blight for both of them. Whatever he felt driven to do with other men is unlikely to have come without cost to the trust in the marriage relationship or his emotional stability. I was married for more than twenty years and I tried to ignore the need for male company. Every time I let myself down I was determined it would never happen again and I hated myself for my betrayals. If one doesn't have a strong emotional response one often ends up going completely the opposite way and suppresses all emotion. I've seen both many times in others. I've done both. I do not think either is healthy.
I'm going to suggest this to you, because you sound like you can cope with it and you sound like you love your father. I'm going to second zeon's suggestion that you take him out and gently tell him (some of) what you know. You sound sensitive enough to know which bits don't need to be dragged up again. It may embarrass the hell out of him, but there will be a part of him somewhere that is going to feel relief that you know and that you are willing to let him talk about it. I don't think there are many experiences a straight person goes through that are equivalent to coming out for a gay person. It is impossible to describe the relief of unburdening such a secret. What he needs to understand though is that it is okay for him to be able to explore what else it means to be gay. It is not all about sex. A gay man is fully entitled and capable of feeling the full range of emotional responses that any other couple in love can enjoy. You know he is never going to have that experience with his new lady. He needs to know that, even if he feels the need to be discreet, his future happiness and fulfilment is more likely to be found with another man and that you would prefer not to experience the pain of seeing him go into a relationship that is going to undermine his own sense of self-worth even more and, of course, will prove devastating for his partner. She and he deserve more and everything is still possible.
As evidence I shall cite not only those of us on here who have found real happiness with a partner of the same sex in later life, but there is one member on here who was married, but finally came out to himself and his family when he was sixty-eight. Although he had been an invalid since his return from Vietnam, he moved out of the house and into an apartment, having been given only a few months left to live. That was a few years ago. He met, fell in love with and moved a younger man in and has been happier and more emotionally fulfilled than at any time in his life. Sadly we rarely hear from him these days, but I am in contact through Facebook and know that he has become an activist and campaigner and seems to have literally been granted a new lease of life. A story like that makes me think there is hope for us all.
I am sure that none of this is easy for you. As a father it means the whole world to me to know that my children want me to be happy. I think your father may feel something of that too. Let's face it, if you are his only child (and a daughter at that) you are probably going to be the most important person in his life. You will never really know how much your support will be valued, but valued it most definitely will be.
My very best wishes and good luck to you and your father.
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That is a very complicated situation. I would not want to see him ruin the other woman's life in order to protect himself. Your mother may have been able to live with it, but she may not. I would suggest being open and honest with him about what you know and ask him if he really thinks its fair to the other woman to put her through that without knowing what she is getting into.
It makes me very sad when such things occur, when people are too afraid of what society will think of them to be honest about who they are, but it also makes me angry when people use others to shield themselves in such a manner.
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at his age he should be more pragmatic about the possible out comes. i mean why burn up his personal resources doing what his is doing. good possibility; in that his new big straight relationship will wind up in the courts and no one will have anything in the ending?
if he feels he MUST goto the joe on the down low why dosnt he just get him self a husband?
i dont have a lot of moral content in my life but we must all fit our lives through the eye of a needle and if he "is not too carful on how he does the men" than it would be very bad for the lady in his life to become POS. at his age; i am sure he doesnt have a concept of what a spreading viral disease is and highly possible he has never gotten tested for the HIV, especially every 6mo.
will he use a condom with the lady... NO?
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Thank you to everyone for your kind advice. No doubt this is a difficult situation to be in. I made the decision to say something to him. The problem is I very rarely get a chance to see my dad alone anymore. He is ALWAYS bringing his lady friend with him. No time for private talks. So I spent basically the entire weekend composing a message to him. It wasn't mean, but it was honest. I told him that he is living a double life and it will not end well because his 'girlfriend' WILL discover the truth due to him being very sloppy about hiding it. I can't tell you how many times I read the message and contemplated deleting it. I hovered over the 'send' button so many times! At one point I decided to look at one of his profiles that I know of (because he has left it open multiple times when I am there!) and it showed he was active at around 1 am the previous night. His 'girlfriend' was sleeping over that night because they were leaving for an event early that morning. So he was doing that while she was there (it's a gay cruising site). I was so irritated and finally decided to click the 'Send' button. At that moment I felt panic, but after a few seconds there was a burden lifted from my shoulders as well. I honestly felt lighter. I flat out told my dad that he does not ever have to tell anyone the truth but that he cannot continue to live a double life. I also told him that he does not ever have to respond to my message and that I just want him to do the right thing. I sent the message on Monday afternoon. He has not responded and I do not expect one. I know things will be a little awkward for a few weeks, I fully expect that. But I also accept it as part of doing what I now strongly believe was the right thing to do. My dad cheated on my (now deceased) mother for at least 15 years. That makes me mad. This needed to be done. Again, I was sensitive, but very honest. I will keep you updated.
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Hi everyone, I just wanted to mention that I've received a few private messages, but this website won't let me respond because you have to have 20 postings in order to do so. I only have 4 with this posting. Sorry if I cannot respond to your kind messages!!!
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My 68 y/o dad is gay but living a lie. What should I do???
