10-06-2011, 03:45 AM
I've been liking this person since last year. At first it was just a very minor crush, but as time passes, he and I gotten to become very good friends and I like him even more. We do everything together in uni. I wouldn't have fallen deeply for him if he is shows a typically straight vibe around him, but he keeps on giving all these... signals. He might be joking but to me, somehow, it felt real and I always feel happy when he says he misses me. Whenever I joke around and say that I hate him, he would always tell me how much I love him, which would always bring a smile to my face. But the point is, I have no idea of his sexuality nor does he have any idea of mine.
I don't lie to him though. Whenever he asks me which girl would I bang I would act uninterested, which is indeed true... But he does this quite rarely. He is currently downloading those japanese games called Eroge, which is a dating simulation but with uncensored sex scene. So, I think he really do have interest in females. Sometimes I find him pretending to be straight, because the way he talks about girls is just forceful. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I like him too much that I am becoming delusional, wanting him to at least be bisexual. I don't know. If he was entirely straight, then he would feel disgusted, or at least defensive when I say I miss him or stuffs like that. He don't, that is why this is getting harder for me.
At times, especially when I don't see him for the day, I'll start feeling like total crap and miss him a lot. It is becoming really unhealthy for me. I am always upset over him. I know we aren't in a relationship and there is no obligation for us to see each other everyday. Heck, even if we are in one I don't even think there is any obligation for us to see one another everyday. It is just my insecurity feeding me on unnecessary thoughts, like how he is going to enjoy himself with his new housemates than me, or stuff like that. It is always at times like this I would just imagine myself telling him about how I feel, but I just don't find the courage to tell him that. Being gay isn't really well accepted in my country, but, I know he isn't homophobic. Maybe that is why he don't feel anything when I say I miss him a lot.
I just don't know what to do. Personally I feel that this is really becoming very unhealthy for me. I am becoming rather paranoid, increased insecurity and being upset suddenly. I am confused as to what I should do. Sigh, I don't want to jeopardize our friendship, but I don't want myself to fall deeper into this. It is going to be hard for me to get out. I am already in a position where I think about him before I sleep and when I wake up. Falling even deeper would seriously hurt me if I find out that he has totally no interest in guys or cutting me out as a friend. The latter would be least likely to happen though. I'm just ranting. I'm emotionally tired and sometimes I just have slight suicidal tendencies.
I don't lie to him though. Whenever he asks me which girl would I bang I would act uninterested, which is indeed true... But he does this quite rarely. He is currently downloading those japanese games called Eroge, which is a dating simulation but with uncensored sex scene. So, I think he really do have interest in females. Sometimes I find him pretending to be straight, because the way he talks about girls is just forceful. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I like him too much that I am becoming delusional, wanting him to at least be bisexual. I don't know. If he was entirely straight, then he would feel disgusted, or at least defensive when I say I miss him or stuffs like that. He don't, that is why this is getting harder for me.
At times, especially when I don't see him for the day, I'll start feeling like total crap and miss him a lot. It is becoming really unhealthy for me. I am always upset over him. I know we aren't in a relationship and there is no obligation for us to see each other everyday. Heck, even if we are in one I don't even think there is any obligation for us to see one another everyday. It is just my insecurity feeding me on unnecessary thoughts, like how he is going to enjoy himself with his new housemates than me, or stuff like that. It is always at times like this I would just imagine myself telling him about how I feel, but I just don't find the courage to tell him that. Being gay isn't really well accepted in my country, but, I know he isn't homophobic. Maybe that is why he don't feel anything when I say I miss him a lot.
I just don't know what to do. Personally I feel that this is really becoming very unhealthy for me. I am becoming rather paranoid, increased insecurity and being upset suddenly. I am confused as to what I should do. Sigh, I don't want to jeopardize our friendship, but I don't want myself to fall deeper into this. It is going to be hard for me to get out. I am already in a position where I think about him before I sleep and when I wake up. Falling even deeper would seriously hurt me if I find out that he has totally no interest in guys or cutting me out as a friend. The latter would be least likely to happen though. I'm just ranting. I'm emotionally tired and sometimes I just have slight suicidal tendencies.