Help me give my head a shake.

[Thibideau]

Ok so my life, while it isn't a bad life by any means, is pretty flawed. So I've been working up the courage to write something like this to see if I can maybe find the answers I need to the problems I have.

So I guess I'll start at the start and go from there. I am the youngest of three children. My parents are still married. My Dad comes from a very Roman catholic family, and despite being a good father, never really connected with me or made an effort with me. My mom on the flip side is a very emotinal person, who relies on her vices to get her from day to day. When we were young she would scream at anyone who stepped out of line, as we got older she switched screaming for smoking and drinking.

My oldest sister is 10 years older than me from my moms first marriage, she's also severely mentally handicapped. While most kids were playing with GI Joes I was learning what to do in case she had a grand maul seizure. My other sister is only 2 years older than I am, and she was perfect to the point where it was understood she was my parents favorite just for being herself. Daddy's girl and the spiting image of my mom. One year for her 13th birthday, she got a $1000 bed room set and to got move into the biggest room upstairs. That same year I got a movie(Space jam, which was odd since I never liked sports) and a bag of uninflated balloons, not even a cake. This isn't exaclty a one time thing either, every year she would get some big gift, and I wouldn't. So now as an adult I despise my birthday. But this is all trivial in the long run.

I've known I was gay since about grade 7, but I didn't come out to anyone until grade 10. I grew up in a small town so in high school, I ended up hanging with the other gay kids even though everyone thought I was straight. Now at the time I was suffering from undiagnosed depression, so I was very withdrawn and anti-social to the point where it became my normal. I never learned how to drive, I never went to any dances, I never partied, and I struggled to get through school every day. Being on the outside of everything and being unable to connect with people is all I know. To make matters worse I had a very negative experince with another member of my group in high school, where he basically was my friend, then claimed he loved me out of no where and basically he started stalking me. Luckily for me I excelled at pushing people away so I managed to cut ties with him, but unfortunately it made me even more gun shy about looking for a relationship.

Then came college, the depression got worse. It took me nearly failing out and killing myself before anyone stepped in. When I finally did get to a doctor, my mom proceeded to make the whole ordeal about how it was affecting her. As a result the meds I got put on weren't helping me all that much and I gained a ton of weight and my libido dropped off the map. I literally went 2 and a half months without even thinking about sex. It took me finally kicking her out of the doctors office and begging to come off of my meds since they weren't helping in the least. So as you can imagine I was never in a good state of mind to start dating.

After gradguating from college, I moved home and went to work, which was great for my waist line. I managed to lose about 70 pounds since college (Down to 170!). But it wasn't long until being surrounded my straight folks started to wear on me. I'm fairly used to hearing people here drop the 'faggot' bomb(Not at me specifically). I feel bad because I know I should speak up, but I'm not out to the community as a whole yet(Just 99% of my family and my handful of friends know) so doing so would out me entirely. Second of all I started falling for a straight guy. He's possibly the straightest guy on the planet and I'm pretty much head over heels for the guy, not that I would ever tell him that. Not because i think he'd be angry, but because he wouldn't do anything to make others feel uncomfortable so I wouldn't do the opposite in return ya know?

Again being from a small town I had no idea how to start dating. With no drivers license I was fairly stuck where I was. Near the end of this summer, my job(Which is a whole nother story) had reached a point where I could no longer work there so I decided to make a change and quit. The intent was to focus on my license so I could get out of this place. But here I am 3 months later and I've hardly leave the house. Unfortunately I get so nervous behind the wheel of a car that I start to doubt my ability and anxiety builds. So until I can get over that fear and start the process, I feel trapped in my own life.

I am at a point where I'm ready to be 'Out' to everyone, but there is one corner stone where I am stuck, that being my Grandma. She's my last living grandparent, and the only member of my extended family who doesn't know(Parents, Sister, Aunts/Uncles, Cousins all know). She's from a different generation and very religious and I'm betting she'll react poorly(When my sister got pregnant out of wed lock shit really hit the fan.). I don't know if it's worth telling her so I can live openly and risk losing her, Or not tell her and just wait until she passes. On one hand if I tell her, I may lose her in my life which would also cut ties to my dad's side in general, but I could be out and not care who knows. On the other hand if I don't tell her, I have to stay semi-closeted for probably another decade, but I get to keep her in my life >> I'm so conflicted.

So Cliff notes...

1) 26 year old virgin who has no idea where to even start looking. Hell I don't even know how to kiss another person.
2) Low self esteem making the idea of a gay culture obsessed with looks terrifying. I don't consider myself ugly, but I don't consider my self 'hot' either. I'm actually quite plain. Also makes getting my driver lisence an exercise in anxiety.
3) Small town, little to no gay community and no way to get anywhere that does.
4) Complicated family life. My sexuality is the least of their concerns thankfully.
5) Depression, although I manage it without meds, usually makes me fairly quiet and socially awkward.
6) Find it very difficult to connect with people in general, let alone pursuit of sexual desires.
7) Coming out to my grandmother could mean cutting ties with my dads side.

Anyways sorry for the marathon post but I need someone to help me sort this shit out because I'm at a loss right now. It's never a good feeling when your life starts to feel like treading quicksand.

[princealbertofb]

Ok, Tibs, give us time to read this epic and we'll get back to you. But I think I can assure you that you are not the only one in your 'predicament'... Take courage, and take care. Advice will follow, if I can help. mile:

[LateBloomer]

Ok, Tibs, give us time to read this epic and we'll get back to you. But I think I can assure you that you are not the only one in your 'predicament'... Take courage, and take care. Advice will follow, if I can help. mile:

Correct, he's not the only one in this predicament. Certainly not the first and certainly not the last either.

My heart goes out to people in these situations. Personally I can't relate to ALL of it, but I can relate to being an "older" virgin (I was 35 when I finally "did the deed", as most members here probably know by now).

I can tell you, the anxiety of "inexperience" gets worse as you get older because of EXPECTATIONS (both on the part of yourself and what you IMAGINE your future partner to expect). This is a slippery slope of anxiety and it just snowballs and picks up speed...

But the good news is THIS: It's all in your head and you really have nothing to worry about.

Right now, you watch people kissing and having sex on TV or on film (maybe even porno) and you get these ideas in your head about how it develops or whatever...but it's all scripted and rehearsed and FALSE.

The technical aspect of having sex (while important to some degree and certainly takes practice) is LESS important than getting the other things corrected in your life: your health (physical/emotional), your job, your relationship with your family, etc...

Try to be the kind of person YOU WOULD WANT TO BE WITH and when you finally meet a partner with whom you'd like to be intimate the mechanics of sex will slowly be learnt. I'm NOT saying it comes naturally or even instinctually, it doesn't! But what I am saying is that the exploration with another person is all part of the intrigue and satisfaction.

I figured it out at age 35. Today I consider myself a fairly competent lover. My only regret is that I didn't try sooner. THAT SAID, take your time, get everything else sorted out FIRST and then work on being intimate with another person.

Best of luck.

[princealbertofb]

It all sounds very daunting, Thibideau, (is it alright if I call you Thibs?) but I think there may be a light there. The first good point is that you are at least trying to get your driver's license. The second is that you have made the move to come and talk here. I'm hoping this will gradually ease your sense of being awkward around people. Focus on getting your license if that is the key to getting you out of a place where you feel you'll never find happiness.

About your grandmother, how much do you care about her and about keeping in touch with your father's side? Why does staying in touch with your father's side depend on how she would take the news of your being gay?

I'm thinking that, while she may be very strict with such things are having kids out of wedlock, she may also be worldly enough to know that being gay is not something you choose. Quite honestly, it's not really her business who you date (when you start dating) and how you live your life. You've got to live your life for yourself, not for others. I think that the only case where you'd have to live your life for others is when you have kids to raise. We're nowhere near that for the moment.

I think it's good that you've got yourself off the meds that stopped your libido and didn't help with the self image at all. Is it possible for you, maybe, to go to a gym, if you feel you should do something about your body, still? Gyms are places where people meet.

From what I understand you could do with having a few friends and a less judgmental family.
If you have no appetite for sports, are you in any way creative? Maybe this would be something to tap into.

I need a bit more info on how you suggest you might evolve from your situation: moving away, finding a business pursuit that would be more challenging or a creative outlet,...
I think that your first goal really needs to be building up some confidence and some self interest.

By the way, what happened to the gay guys you used to hang out with when at school? And secondly, is that straight friend of yours that you have fallen in love with a good friend? Have you got a best girl friend?

[Thibideau]

It all sounds very daunting, Thibideau, (is it alright if I call you Thibs?) but I think there may be a light there. The first good point is that you are at least trying to get your driver's license. The second is that you have made the move to come and talk here. I'm hoping this will gradually ease your sense of being awkward around people. Focus on getting your license if that is the key to getting you out of a place where you feel you'll never find happiness.

About your grandmother, how much do you care about her and about keeping in touch with your father's side? Why does staying in touch with your father's side depend on how she would take the news of your being gay?

I'm thinking that, while she may be very strict with such things are having kids out of wedlock, she may also be worldly enough to know that being gay is not something you choose. Quite honestly, it's not really her business who you date (when you start dating) and how you live your life. You've got to live your life for yourself, not for others. I think that the only case where you'd have to live your life for others is when you have kids to raise. We're nowhere near that for the moment.

I think it's good that you've got yourself off the meds that stopped your libido and didn't help with the self image at all. Is it possible for you, maybe, to go to a gym, if you feel you should do something about your body, still? Gyms are places where people meet.

From what I understand you could do with having a few friends and a less judgmental family.
If you have no appetite for sports, are you in any way creative? Maybe this would be something to tap into.

I need a bit more info on how you suggest you might evolve from your situation: moving away, finding a business pursuit that would be more challenging or a creative outlet,...
I think that your first goal really needs to be building up some confidence and some self interest.

By the way, what happened to the gay guys you used to hang out with when at school? And secondly, is that straight friend of yours that you have fallen in love with a good friend? Have you got a best girl friend?

Yeah Tibs is fine.

The anxiety has always been my number 1 enemy. It's easier to just stay home and avoid it ever being an issue. The problem being that I never get out of my shell.

I do love my grandma, I'm just worried that if she takes it poorly I'm going feel uncomfortable at family gatherings because she's the matriarch so to speak.

The high school gang scattered into the wind to be honest. One lives in Toronto area, the other two I haven't the faintest. I think having more friends would come down to be being totally out. My anxiety level would drop knowing I don't have to hide anything as soon as I start talking to someone. But again that comes down to me telling my grandma since our town is so small, everyone knows everything about everybody. So even if I just didn't tell her, eventually it would get back to her. I should just do it, like pulling off a band-aid. But just thinking about it makes my heart jump into my throat.

As for my striaght friend, he's not a close friend, just a friend. I know it makes no sense to fall for a guy I know is straight but I can't help it =/ There's just something about him that draws me like a magnet. But that being said I think if I had more interests or start being more engaged in the gay community, the attraction would subside. I always feel creepy when a straight guy is telling me a story about this crazy night with a girl and all I can think is that I want to have a crazy night with him :p

When it comes to the sports thing, not so much. Like I said my dad was never very good at teaching me anything, he rarely even tried. So I never learned how to play sports, work out properly, shave, ect. I work out at home now, and most of what I've learned has just been through the wonders of the internet and obviously got a handle on the whole shaving thing, but sports are a foreign language that I do not speak. I'm more creatively inclined. I enjoy writing, I just have to convince myself to sit down and write.

And yeah my best friend since grade 8 is a girl. She and I went through High school, college and the after years together, but she got married and moved 4 hours away. I still call her and her husband quite often and even go to visit from time to time but there's only so much we can do being so far away. Also I do have an easier time being friends with women than men which probably works against me.

As for moving forward, I have idea's just to chicken shit to put them in action. My first goal is I want to see Canada while I'm young. Since I never partied, or have even left my home province, the idea of just taking off for a few months and seeing my Country in it's entirity sounds very freeing. After that, Moving to a larger city or town and find a job there. Goal 3 is find out if I can function in a relationship. I just have to find a way to put all my self doubt behind me.