Hey OsirisGuy Here!

[OsirisGuy23]

Well, then, OG, to GaySpeak and get cracking on the talking.... What's your story? And where does your confusion stem from? Please share.

Honestly the first real "meaty" question I've had! Here Goes!

I'll be the first to admit I have daddy issues; My father and I are emotionally estranged, and I never felt "on par" with him. I'm masculine, but I have always wondered if my sexuality was a defense mechanism to reduce the "lost father" syndrome/anxiety I have, tho I always wondered that with my mother as well, because I've always been emotionally estranged from her as well; I was shown VERY little emotional/physical affection from either parent, and spent large amounts of time alone.

I could NEVER feel entirely at peace with liking men, because I was never entirely at home with my father....I NEVER wanted to meet a man like my dad, so I tried, (and succeeded) in a massive level of psychological repression/dissociation for most of puberty....then around 18, my sexuality came SCREAMING to my conscious mind, and it CRUSHED me....I was driven by the urge to be a father, and a husband to a wife, and my dream was CRUSHED when it hit me that all these pictures I had in my mind were of men....I wanted to die ever since....I wasn't about to let emotions over take my dream I had for SOOO long, so I kept those feelings dissociated, and repressed....then I dabbled in it for a while from 18 to present, and it's been very isolating...

I never feel "in step" with most gay men, because well....Im intense for lack of a better word....everything I do, i do with my whole being, and I feel like I'm living a lie looking for a MAN to fill those shoes....Most gay men don't want kids, they want a partner, a house, etc....I want a family, and I can't have that with a man....the psychological integrity of my children is at stake, and I WONT let my feelings take hold of that dream and kill it...I HAVE to make it right with my kids....I know my father is who he is, and I no longer look to him for that love, and I DONT want to look to another man for it either.

The fact is, my body doesn't feel comfortable around men, probably because I don't feel psychologically comfortable around them.....I always feel on guard, and nervous around them when they touch me....My sexuality "disturbs" me....I find NO relief in it, which brings me here....

[OsirisGuy23]

If looking to DADDY didn't solve it, than HOW can my feelings towards another male make it better? It hurts to think about that; I don't need a superman in my life, I wear that S on my own you know? What can a male do for me that my father couldn't? I'm PLENTY strong....but why do I keep thinking that a guy is gonna come along, and everything will be ok? I have a girl I'm talking too, and she's soo sweet, and kind, and amazing....I told her how much it means to have a family to me; nothing else is as substantial as having that family I've ALWAYS wanted...watching my kids grow up, and me teaching them, and me learning from them as well, and coming home at the end of the day to them, and their faces....just today, with my friend and her kids, (even though it was only for a few minutes) I really felt like I BELONGED....like DAD was the role, the purpose meant for me....

Being a MAN really isn't to me about how much money you have, it's about how much you have to just GIVE! just thinking about being a part of my future family's world is AMAZING to me! It makes me feel like I'm Flying!! I WON'T let them down, I WON'T give them up, and although I CANNOT accept this in me, I KNOW that I want to be a father....I want to be that knight in shinning armor for my wife...it feels GOOD to give, to be that man, and not think about "me, me, me" all the time; that's not a noble philosophy at all, not one that I think a FATHER should carry at ALL. Money, Cars, Clothes....what the HELL does all that REALLY mean, if you don't have a single soul to share it with?! A family to share it with? A soul mate, as dedicated to the cause as you are to see it through to completion? I don't want the partying, the boozing, the drugs, the flings and fly-by-nights, and the lonely hook-ups, the long nights alone having nothing but a pillow to hold because I chose to be with a guy that thinks life is just a huge, no-holds-bar party?.....All that I want, is just the love, sincerity, and passion that I RIGHTFULLY deserve. If that means somehow giving up the sex/"interest" in men up because I know in my HEART OF HEARTS, it's not going to be reciprocated, then I GLADLY, and UNABASHEDLY do so.....my dream for a family is of more importance to me than any single cute face ever could be, there is NO question, there's NO doubt.

Thus far, I haven''t been able to find any comfort, or anything substantial with a man, so....WHY FOR GOD am I gay? My dreams of that family are fading away because of this!! The thing that kept me afloat in times of loneliness and deep despair...the the dream I had that made me feel like I could endure ANYTHING is slipping through my fingers!!

All I can say, is it was a HORRIBLE thing for me to have this happen....it really traumatized me...I know that most of you will give me the rhetoric about how 'being gay can be a blessing' but how can it be a blessing when it interferes with the life of substance I seek? I am a VERY noble young man, and I want to create a better life for my offspring and wife; a life where they can count on me EVERYDAY of their lives....I want to BE that man....WHY do I have to like guys?( No offense guys REALLY! )

I've ALWAYS bore my responsibilities with pride, and joy knowing that it always brought me a step closer to being that MAN....I have a younger brother, he's straight, and he NEEDS me...and I NEED him...I don't want to do without him....whether he realizes it or not, being his big brother, the place he can come to for wisdom, means EVERYTHING to me....it gave me the purpose to go on, the urge to live, and not KILL MYSELF MANY TIMES; yet again another reason to resent this sexuality....I don't hate the LGBT community, in truth, in sincerity, and in HONESTY, I hate the gay self I have within....

[ManicReptile21]

lol osiris you speak as though you cant be a father to a child if you are gay. being a father and being gay is possible. if you raise an open minded child and not a homo phobe you will encounter the same issues as any other father would have. but when he asks for his mother, take him to him biological mother. it really is quite simple. you could always adopt- which has even more rewards as a parent- in my opinion. because when your child loves you. and comes home calling you daddy. and giving you a big ole hug. i think your gonna realize- "this is wha it feels like- to be a father." but i am not here to make decisions for you. you have your voice. and you say what you believe. i am just stating my opinions.

gay couples can house a family.

[OsirisGuy23]

lol osiris you speak as though you cant be a father to a child if you are gay. being a father and being gay is possible. if you raise an open minded child and not a homo phobe you will encounter the same issues as any other father would have. but when he asks for his mother, take him to him biological mother. it really is quite simple. you could always adopt- which has even more rewards as a parent- in my opinion. because when your child loves you. and comes home calling you daddy. and giving you a big ole hug. i think your gonna realize- "this is wha it feels like- to be a father." but i am not here to make decisions for you. you have your voice. and you say what you believe. i am just stating my opinions.

gay couples can house a family.

I really thank you for that ML! As I said, I do believe it's possible for gay couples to have children, it's the frequency of those men that concerns me; I'd be PROUD to raise a child with an open-minded philosophy and an even-handed heart...I just believe that a child needs both mother and father present to truly reap the rewards of total psychological well-adjustment in this one-sided society. I'm in doubt is all, and hopefully, this will all be more clear someday....Maybe I'm too concerned with chasing a dream....but it's ALL I have, it all that keeps me warm at night when I'm alone, not some man...pardon me for not feeling so strongly about this, but I have to honor my dream....It's always been apart of me to want a wife, and children....I can't figure out WHY I'm being deprived that? I just want an answer for it; why would GOD be such an INDIAN GIVER? Giving me a dream to keep me warm, and then asking, no, TAKING it back? It's just plain cruel....

[OsirisGuy23]

I didn't come here to make anyone feel bad; that wasn't my intention, and I think I'm doing that now...This may have been a mistake....I was being selfish and you guys don't need to hear this ESPECIALLY from me and I'm sorry about this...this is MY problem, I'll deal with it....you all are right at the end of the day to enjoy yourselves, and your lives to the fullest; no one has the right to come between you and your happiness, that much is true.

It's just now I have this WONDERFUL girl in my life; she's so warm, and caring, and pretty, and my heart is starting to warm up to hers...I love just hearing her talk, she's INCREDIBLY strong for going through all she did, and I feel COMPELLED to be the man to protect, love, and cherish her....I feel blessed (for the first time in my life) to have someone in my life that cares so FREELY about me; No man has ever done that...it's always been about my body to them, I'm TIRED of being used by them....it will only drain me, and take my idealism away, and that I reserve for that girl and my future children, she above ALL deserves the very best I have to offer....You tell me that it's not wrong, but it doesn't FEEL that way....it doesn't feel that way when you two meet, and the FIRST thing the guy wants to do is shove your **** in his mouth, only to kiss you so hard, or soft he can LOOSE himself in you, and you then take on his misery....it's disgusting to me; it's disrespectful to the self, and to the other person, and I don't want to be that person, just LOOKING/WAITING for love, and carrying on an emotionless physically sexual life, not another day in my life....that chapter, and that book has got to close for me, or I'll be living a broken life like that for the rest of my life....being single in the gay life style I don't believe is a choice when you're well into your late 40's early 50's....that's a SCARY thought....I'm NO man whore, and I believe too much in the sanctity of love and sex to abuse it in such a way. It's not the thought of two men that bothers me....it's fleshful, lustful, LOVELESS masturbation between two bodies that DEEPLY disturbs me.

I don't want to be attracted to ANYTHING knowing it will only be as deep as the flesh....lol in honesty, is it much of a choice to desire something so superficial? It's FAR too meager for me..... That's what makes me believe that that this is wrong if only for myself; I've always felt unable to "connect" with a man beyond this...body sex is all there ever was, and I KNEW there was something more to be had, if I looked hard enough.... The union between two souls is so profound that one begins to gain interest in the connection and not just the flesh; I've always felt there was something wrong with the way the men behaved towards each other; and now I believe I've fleshed it out; the total disregard for each other on all levels is as prevalent as it is with heterosexual couples....the problem I believe is PEOPLE....they're a sickness to each other....turning out children that are miserable, that grow up to be miserable, and go on to produce more misery.... I want to change that....All this misery has to end. That's my global goal anyway, but my personal one is to have a family, and to watch us grow together. I don't shy away from my responsibilities as a MAN and a FATHER...I'm really torn up over this...

I need to figure this out for myself...

[ManicReptile21]

lol we all have dreams we havent accomplished. we all have dreams that keep us going. just keep in mind if you do marry a woman and have a child, and still lust over men. you might be dooming that child to life thats far worse than a child that is being raised by a gay couple. it would create divorce and your child would come to you hating you probably, demanding why you left his/her mother. and you'll be speechless. and when you say- i always liked men. you may very well lose your child to unforgivable terms. do not be one of those closeted 40 year olds who is married and sneaking out with other men behind his wife and kids.

[Aester]

You can still start a family without a wife, heck you can raise a kid alone perfectly if you wish. I've been pretty much raised in a divorce family, my father and mother pretty much fight and bitch about how to raise me proper, I rather have 2 dads or moms then move constantly every month from mother to father and hear they're trashings when i love them booth equally. I just wish to move out into another town and get a new start, I still want to contact my family but i do not want to hear they're trashings any more and to leave all the people I hate in this forsaken hole. Being a parent is not easy, no matter how much you try there is always another part, if you can't love the woman that is the mother its doomed to fail You can lie to others, but not to your self. The line between hate and love is thin, very thin. Its easy to abandon an old lover, but it isn't easy to abandon the mother of your kid.

[OsirisGuy23]

You're all right....it would be better to raise the child in love than a lie; but what if the circumstances are in truth? what I feel for this girl isn't a lie? The feelings I have for her are profound....I've found a friend who's life, philosophy, and heart outline my own so closely, and match them similarly that It's hard to think of her as "separate" from my own essence....She is so ENDLESSLY sweet, that when I hear voice, and I fall in love I feel that NO ONE in life BUT her can mirror my experience....we both know what it is to grow up in isolation, hurt, abuse, and neglect....

I can't explain it, but since her, I've found it in myself to have a RUTHLESS desire to protect, and love her endlessly...I can't wait to feel her next to me, to smell her hair, to kiss her lips, to hear her laugh....

I've never felt that way towards a guy....then again, I've never felt that comfortable towards a guy either....I'm not Bisexual, because when I'm with one gender I loose feelings for the other. I think it would be fair to NOT rule counseling out....lol

But these feelings....aren't they real? Am I inventing them? I just love talking with her, and I DO want to be with her....I don't want to loose that love....I have a feeling if I did, I would be DEEPLY broken....Life would loose it's meaning...I have to have her as a friend if not as a GF...it's very complicated....I never expected this to come to pass, but she's so beautiful to me, and I can't think of anything else.....her laughter, or tears makes or breaks my world.

[OsirisGuy23]

Being a parent is not easy, no matter how much you try there is always another part, if you can't love the woman that is the mother its doomed to fail You can lie to others, but not to your self. The line between hate and love is thin, very thin. Its easy to abandon an old lover, but it isn't easy to abandon the mother of your kid.

Precisely....I can't find it in my to abandon her, but we are so close in values, beliefs, and desires for our children that I don't foresee that to be an issue. Love is also a poly-fragmented issue that should be analyzed/equated on all sides before dispensing the thought of it all together; We have a friendship, and a mutual interest in each other that is turning into love, our emotions reach each other, and we have thus far been quite honest with each other, but I did omit THIS one issue....I cannot lie about what I feel for her, in fact, these feelings substantiate the future for a life between us, WHY would I let basal, physical instincts come between the higher love, that I've searched for for a LIFETIME, and I value for my friend, and potential wife? I'd rather let the grass on THAT side of the fence be; I'm working towards having what I want, I doubt that a man will figure into that....I still don't believe I'm gay, it's hard to metabolize when I've done what a purely gay man cannot; develop romantic feelings for a woman.

[CellarDweller]

Hiya OsirisGuy, welcome to Gay Speak!