One long, whiney shout into the abyss.
10-19-2011, 04:55 AM
WARNING: Very long post up ahead. My apologies, and thank you in advance for reading.
So, I’m twenty three years old and I’ve never had any romantic experiences whatsoever. I’ve never had a kiss or had my hand be held or be given a flirtatious look… nothing. I’m not exactly sure why this is, but it hurts a lot and I don’t think it’s exactly normal. Due to various circumstances in my life and my past, I’ve always felt a bit separated from most people and the “common†human experience. It may be that this inherent feeling has somehow fed the lack of intimacy for me, but I’ve tried to remain open to possibilities and meeting new people. It’s always been a complete mystery how two people can discover that they share an attraction to each other and create a relationship. I don’t get it.
As one lonely day turns into another lonely day I gather the notion that “there’s someone out there for you†seems completely absurd. Most days I try not to dwell on it, but a lot of the time the loneliness and the feeling of “what is it about me that’s so unappealing†gets very intense and it’s difficult to function. I’ve forced myself to accept the possibility that it may never happen for me. It’s not that I’m completely hopeless, but those kinds of thoughts are inevitable. I don’t even think it’s a sexual frustration I feel anymore as much as a desire to know that there’s someone who would choose me as the one person they elect to spend their time with.
I don’t mean to create the impression that I’m this much of a downer all the time (which would certainly be quite the fella repellent). I’m really not. These are not feelings that I wear on my sleeve, or have even discussed with anyone ever. I would imagine I come off as pretty upbeat to most. But having not been a participant in this aspect of life has created a sense that there’s this giant gap of experience between me and my peers. I’m afraid that if someone ever does take an interest in me, I’ll be so completely unable to… I don’t know how else to put other than to be on the same level.
I joined this forum in one of my very low feeling moments in an attempt to connect to like minded people. In my so far limited interaction I have found that folks here are very kind and understanding. So I don’t know if I’m necessarily asking for advice or if this is just something I wanted to kinda get off my chest. Either way, thanks for reading this ridiculously long post.
So, I’m twenty three years old and I’ve never had any romantic experiences whatsoever. I’ve never had a kiss or had my hand be held or be given a flirtatious look… nothing. I’m not exactly sure why this is, but it hurts a lot and I don’t think it’s exactly normal. Due to various circumstances in my life and my past, I’ve always felt a bit separated from most people and the “common†human experience. It may be that this inherent feeling has somehow fed the lack of intimacy for me, but I’ve tried to remain open to possibilities and meeting new people. It’s always been a complete mystery how two people can discover that they share an attraction to each other and create a relationship. I don’t get it.
As one lonely day turns into another lonely day I gather the notion that “there’s someone out there for you†seems completely absurd. Most days I try not to dwell on it, but a lot of the time the loneliness and the feeling of “what is it about me that’s so unappealing†gets very intense and it’s difficult to function. I’ve forced myself to accept the possibility that it may never happen for me. It’s not that I’m completely hopeless, but those kinds of thoughts are inevitable. I don’t even think it’s a sexual frustration I feel anymore as much as a desire to know that there’s someone who would choose me as the one person they elect to spend their time with.
I don’t mean to create the impression that I’m this much of a downer all the time (which would certainly be quite the fella repellent). I’m really not. These are not feelings that I wear on my sleeve, or have even discussed with anyone ever. I would imagine I come off as pretty upbeat to most. But having not been a participant in this aspect of life has created a sense that there’s this giant gap of experience between me and my peers. I’m afraid that if someone ever does take an interest in me, I’ll be so completely unable to… I don’t know how else to put other than to be on the same level.
I joined this forum in one of my very low feeling moments in an attempt to connect to like minded people. In my so far limited interaction I have found that folks here are very kind and understanding. So I don’t know if I’m necessarily asking for advice or if this is just something I wanted to kinda get off my chest. Either way, thanks for reading this ridiculously long post.
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As a matter of fact, I think shallow people on the whole are unattractive; They contribute nothing towards human evolution, reaching their FULL potential, and don't even bother to take pride in the civic, and social responsibility to give back to the world at large; instead, they continue their meager lives day in and day out, until the clock stops on them; you aren't living a FULL life if you deny what you feel, or down play it to seem "cool"....