Young Guy Needs Help

[Hollywood]

Okay, well first off my name is Hollywood, well thats what my friends call me. I am 21 years old and I am dating a 58 year old guy now for the past 4 years as of next week. We lied to each other about our age in the beginning ( I said I was olde, he said he was younger). We met on an online dating site. Throughout our relationship theres been alot of difficulties. I caught him throughout our relationship multiple times in his email or on his phone talking to other young guys and trying to meet them. Also I did 7 months in a court mandated program 3 years ago, and when I got home saw a picture on his computer of another man jerking off on his bed. I also saw a minimized window of craigslist he was looking men seekn men. Everytime I catch him its another excuse and he always says he would never meet up with anyone. Just a couple weeks ago I told him I wanted to "talk" about our relationship & where its going. So I got a suite that weekend in the casinos and even had a limo come pick us up. Planned a great weekend including a gourmet steakhouse dinner and everything.
We got there and everything was great but he didnt feel good so we layed around and watched "Hangover 2" in the room. We then had our talk which was supposed to be where we told each other everything since day one whether we lied to each other or not and get it out in open to start fresh. Oh let me backup... before we even planned this trip i told him that either afterter the "talk" we have when we get there that we will start fresh or break up... Well when we talked all he said he ever did wrong was he was still seeing some guy when me and him first met. But he got rid of him after a month and told him he had a boyfriend now.
After our talk I thought everything was alright. I wanted to have sex but he wasnt feeling up for it. Mind you, he is never up for it except our first year together was great. Its like pulling teeth to have sex and when we do have it now its been feeling like he wasnt interested or it seemed like a chore.
He fell asleep I felt something was up so I went thru his phone and saw he called a guy just the night before and they talked for 8 mins. I immediatekt stareted breaking down crying and broke up with him but he swore he didnt know what was going on and denied ever talking to the guy. He eventually admitted he was drunk and didnt remember talking to him. So we had a horrible time but we stayed together.

Ok well lets cut to the chase. I have a gut feeling my BF is cheating on me or has cheated when he swore he never did. He never wants to have any sort of sexual contact with me and when we do its just like its a chore and theres no passion. I beg him everytime for some sort of love & I never get it. All I want is passionate love but I feel he dont even want me anymore. We argue every time we are together and he swears he is never wrong. I cry all the time, but I love him to death. How can I find out if he is cheating on me?? What should I do?? I am in the closet so i got noone to talk to. Do you think he loves me or even cares?? I really need some advice, plz help me and if u need any more information to help me out with advice I'll happily give you all the information I can.

P.S.: I also need help because he is a alcoholic and swears he isnt. Also everything is always an excuse with him.

Thanks ALOT

[jamiebfd]

he sounds like a bit of a player.
he most likely loves you but also seeks other attention from other lads.

Maybe you need a break. it sounds like all the work is being done by you.
and no relationship will work if its a one way street.

[posterpicture]

Break up with him.
I never understand why old guys (especially 58 lmao) who are in relationship with younger guys want to cheat. I don't mean to say that old guys are not as good as youngsters but for sure it 's harder for them to find a relationship. So why don't they just value it? Guys are pigs lol.
jamiebfd is right. Love is never a one way street. And you can always go your own way. No need to pick a wrong lane lol. I suggest you to either change lane or make an U turn.

As for sexual relationship, he is 58, what should you expect? I am in my 20's so I totally understand about the sexual frustration. Our hormones are ragging. For your partner, it 's declining. That is one of the reason why relationship with big age gap is so difficult.
You seem like a nice and passionate guy. So I think you should just dump that old man and start over.

[pellaz]

dont let things bother you unless you know what your going to do. you need to start developing an exit plan? i dont know how much you love him but dont be lazy or confused about it.

[zeon]

Hello there,
Alcoholism can come in varieing forms... It took me 6 years to calm my boyfriend down on the alcohol... I would maybe suggest you talk with him about the situation and see if there is a compromise... If no compromise can bhe reached then it may be wise to go seperate waysn b ecause if you suspect something unless its put to bed it may never go away eating away at your current relationship... If he wants other men let him have em and get yourself out... Breaking isnt easy but it does become somethjing good in the end with no tiesd

[Bowyn Aerrow]

hi and welcome to the forum.

I think you know what time it is. You laid out pretty 'damning evidence' here.

There is an image of some guy on the bed you share with your S/O jacking off. Then there is the Craigslist 'hunting' and the lack of honesty and the drinking and.....

Drinking/Alcoholism may be the underlying 'cause' for all of this. Being an alcoholic/addict in recovery myself, I learned through the years that just drinking/using is not the only behavior of an addict. Lying, cheating, stealing, and 'acting out' in many other ways are also part of the 'addictive behaviors'. The drug of choice (in his case alcohol) is not the only symptom. His denial of his actions, his inability to tell the 'truth', even his inability to commit 100% to you may actually be part of a larger pattern of behaviors tied into addiction/alcoholism.

YOU (and this is for you only) need to check out http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Al-anon is the place where loved ones of alcoholics/addicts go to get help to deal with the behaviors of the alcoholic/addict. Use the 'how to find a meeting' option to find a support group, go and meet people who are in a similar boat as you.

Mind there is little YOU can do to change him. You cannot force him to get sober, you cannot plead to him to get help, you cannot make him or force him to admit his 'wrongs', you cannot make him change. If you try you will most likely get hurt in the process and he will ultimately either lash out at you, or go deeper into his addiction/alcoholism.

More often than not a person with one addiction has many addictions. He may be addicted to sex - or addicted to the idea of sex. He may be addicted to lying. If so, then your healthy 'lets talk' approach isn't going to work.

I will be honest with you, painfully honest. If he is unable (not unwilling, this is not an issue of will) to see his own behaviors as a problem, you will have to distance yourself from him and let him go. Al-anon folk are going to tell you this,they are going to talk about 'tough love' and tell you that you will have to set clear cut boundaries and when he crosses them take firm action.

They are most likely going to tell you what you already know in your heart. Its time tom move on.

[dfiant]

Oh wow, this is not a relationship you should be in, not because of the age difference as I feel that is inconsequential.

My father is an alcoholic....never ever ever trust an alcoholic, especially and alcoholic that denies he is an alcoholic. You can't help an alcoholic especially when they believe that they don't have a problem. Alcoholics have to want to help themselves first, and the first thing they have to do it recognise they have a problem, nothing can be done until then.

You have to look after yourself mate because you are not going to get any support from your partner, and any support you offer your partner is going to be a waste of time. I know it is going to be tough, but you have to leave your situation and move onto greener pastures.

[oldster]

Ok i understand that you commited in your hartfoor the rest of your life
but it sounds to me that he did not and now tou may be out of his age
rang if guys he wants he still loved you in a way maby only as a fall back person to be around but he really dosent love these other guys he lusts them now you have past the lust thing with him so
You say you don't know if he is cheating on you or not but open
your mind to yourself dont be self deluded because it's what you want and you can't stand to admit your dream evaporated.and you need to accept that you cant change him and love conqers all crap.
i waited ten years before i commited to my ex so i fig ured he now knew wheither or not he really wanted to commit totaly or not
but my dream was false and i had a hard time to admit it was only my dream not his so start searching your sole and be honest to yourself
that the dream is still there you just had the misfortun to belive that dream could be his also. sorry babe but time to wake up and smell the cofee and get on trying to find your real sole mate out there and i am sure he exists but they are not as easly to find as you hoped and belived just because it seems perfect take your time and do not give your total love away till they prove they are worthy of that love
and remeembeer we all can change as we travel the road of life stick to it the half you need to compleat your self is still out there and one minuit of that is worth a hundered years of this existance

[WesHollywood]

Try this, it worked for me. A person seven years younger than me or seven years older than me is a different generation. Your reference points are different from music to movies, from politics to religion. Talk to people seven years either side of you and you will realize the challenge you face in sharing things in common. You are trying to bridge a gap of a lot more than seven years, unless you are playing father/son roles, and especially if there is an income discrepancy - you have your hands full.

Last year my mentor sat me down, and asked me if I was really bisexual as I claimed. He asked me when was the last time I had sex with a woman. I responded three years earlier. Hence I came to realize I am no longer bisexual, I am gay. Now I am few months into a life partnership. You need to clear up the gay, straight, bi issue before anything else in my opinion.

I am careful in this forum what I say about monogamous relationships. So, know that I am controversial on this, and certainly not the expert. I am of the school of thought that there is no such thing as a monogamous relationship. A hard cock has no conscience. Accept it, men are dogs. It really is not cheating as much as it is animalistic love/lust. If you ignore it I believe you will begin to blame your partner for depriving you of the adventure. You are only 22 for one year, maximize it.

Yes, at first it was painful when it was 3AM on a Saturday morning and I knew he was humping some stranger. But, we both got use to it. It makes no sense to us that anyone would throw away a perfectly good relationship for something as minor as sex.

Believe me, when a guy says he goes "monogamous" he knows he is lying to himself deep down. No denying his intentions may good, but don't make promises you can not keep. After a drink or a J anyone in a horny mood is vulnerable. Remember Arnold Schwarzenegger was married to one of the most amazing women on the planet, Maria Shriver. Yet he porked the Mexican maid pregnant.

Handle man's realities of animal behavior in an adult manner, it is not the end of the world because you play with some strange cock. Bottom line; Heterosexual standards to not work for straights, why would we expect them to work for us?

Where does love/lust fit with love? It is not rocket science.

[interesting]

I am firmly in the camp of sex is one of the most intimate experiences you can have with a person. So first, I think you need to define the role that sex plays in your relationship, is it one of the most important things to you? If after some self reflection, the answer is yes, then you need to move on. You can love someone all you want, or you believe so, but if the ideals that you have set in your eyes do not fit them, then it's impossible for them to love you back (well improbable, nothing is really impossible). But if the answer to this question is no, then I guess the above poster certainly makes sense.

I guess it all comes down to your beliefs and moral standings, we are all different, that's what make each one of us interesting. Best of luck my friend, I wish you will be happy with whatever you choose!!