My boyfriend is giving me mixed signals and is he gay or bi?

[confused17]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about two years now and during this course of time somethings have happened that make me think that he not committed to me and that he is interested in other guys.

He has asked me to move in with him numerous times but it's the things that he does that have prevented me from doing so. When we initially started doing things he said for me to keep things on the dl (down low). He doesn't want anyone to know about us and so forth which does kind of bother me but I want to be able to have something with him.

As we got to know each other things were going good until one day he called me up on the phone and said that he was going to meet some guys after work for some drinks. I didn't feel good about this and he later called me and said that he wanted me to come and join and it turned out that he was meeting with a person from work that was going to be his supervisor.

I took them to this one place and the guy said my boyfriends name and said that he is my "b*****". That made me feel uncomfortable and the entire evening I didn't enjoy myself. He wound up buying him drinks the whole entire night and he never offered to buy me drinks and he did notice that I was upset and that I just let them hang out. He said, "Don't you think he is cute?" And I said, "No." And I asked him what that was suppose to mean? He said that he does think he's cute, but that he wouldn't do anything with him because I am important to him. That made me rather suspicious and the fact that he said that he was meeting some guys after work which turns out he was only meeting this guy which was totally false.

As the night progressed towards closing time I saw my boyfriend talking to some other guy outside the bar. I thought this is strange. It turns out that apparently two guys that they didn't know and before the bar was closing came up and bought them drinks and they were obviously interested in my boyfriend and also in the other guy. My guy had given these strangers his phone number and they kept calling him all the time. Well you can imagine how livid I was about that whole entire evening with all that had happened.

When this stranger kept calling his phone my boyfriend said to talk to them and find out what is going on. I wound up calling the guy back and later I met with him to find out what was going on. He told me that he and his friend were interested in him and that my boyfriend kept winking at him and that it was showing that he was interested in him. My boyfriend didn't wind up getting into the car but later on it turns out that he did keep chatting with them through text and all.

I asked him why he paid for drinks for the guy that he met from work and he said that he borrowed money from him and was suppose to pay him back. I asked if he had paid him back and he first said yes. Later he said no that he didn't pay him back and he said the reason why he had done so was because he wanted to get on his bosses' good side and make a good impression. There was no more involvement with this guy as a result.

I was very close with my boyfriend and as long as there isn't another guy that he knows from the past and all I am like the most important thing to him. When he talks with someone he knows from growing up and all that is when things began to change. When he was working this old friend of his came back home and that is when things became worse for us. He wouldn't hang out with me as much and I was feeling like something was going on between this guy and him.

He has asked me to move in with him but I don't do so because of many things that have occurred. This other guy has moved in with him and I accepted it as he said that he wanted someone to live with. He has also had a couple girlfriends that lived with him with this guy and when he is around his past girlfriends I have been with him where his girlfriend will ask him if he wants to be close and be together and he has said no and will go over to the guy that he lives with and get close to him and say that he is going to sleep on the couch with him.

This didn't go over well with both his girlfriend and me so she wound up getting upset and going to their room, and I wound up leaving and we basically both said the same thing "You both have a good time." I have suspected that things have been going on with them. He wanted both girls to move out (these were two separate relationships) and he also cheated on both of them at the same time.

I would go visit him at his place and he would make me feel uneasy. He and this guy that he lives with would start touching each other and messing around (they wouldn't actually have sex in front of me or anything like that) but my boyfriend came out one time and he had his pants down and this guy took his fingers and put my boyfriends fingers into his butt and this made me upset. And they both have asked me in the past if I would like to give them a bj and my boyfriend said can you handle two at the same time, and the other guy stated that this will be our little secret. I didn't act upon it but it seemed like they were serious and especially when both have exposed themselves and even on individual times the guy that he lives with when we have just hung out has done the same thing exposed himself and asked me if I want to give him a bj.

This guy that he has lived with when I come over to visit will say things like mention about my boyfriend and his wrestling around and that he humped him. My boyfriend will not deny it but I don't know what to make of it. He says that there's nothing going on between them but I don't quite believe him when he does that stuff in front of me and it makes me feel horrible and disrespected.

Lately he has been talking about wanting to do a threesome with him, his friend, and a girl. He stated that he has always wanted to do one and that he likes them. Apparently he has done this in the past. I said to him that you must like it because there is a guy and a girl in the situation and he said that it does make it bisexual but that he wouldn't do anything with the guy. It strikes me as odd. He said that the reason why he would want to do it is because it is masculine and that it makes the girl look bad.

The guy that he stays with has also said that my boyfriend has said that he would suck a certain celebrities you know what. I later talked with him about it and he said that he was just joking around. I told him for someone to make a statement like that is bold and that he must have meant something about it. He has also in front of me when watching a movie or program if he sees a hot looking guy he will say that he would you know what to them. He doesn't say I am joking. I talk with him about it later and he says that he is just joking.

He will also mention this one lady that is older than him about 10 years or more difference and he and his friend will talk about it. He has asked both of us what we think if someone dated someone that was so much older. We both gave our opinion. I asked him if he would ever do anything with this lady and he says no but then he said maybe if I were drunk.

He also has mentioned to me that when I have asked him who is hot as a male celebrity I was phrasing it like singular and he will say my top three guys are and mention them off. He has even put down one guy and said that he didn't like him and that he's not hot then two months later he said this guys name and it just shocked me.

To end a long story short he states to me that he wouldn't do anything with another guy because he is with me. I asked him if he ever thought about doing something with another guy and he said technically yes. I asked him who it was and he says no one in particular. He also will say like I have stated that he won't do anything with other guys then he will say that he would consider it. I asked him if a girl asked him in the threesome asked him to mess around with the guy and he will say probably not sorry no offense, but later he will say if I was drunk then I would. You see the pattern of him saying one thing then it is another. I have also asked him when he mentions a certain male celebrity as hot if he would do something with them and he says no because it would be awkward is all that he says. He stated recently too that if I were to do something with a guy I would bring them back to my place. He will also say some guy that he saw and that they looked like someone and he doesn't know them and later he will be at the gym and say that he is toned and better looking than I am.

I need to get others opinions on this. I wanted to know if any of you have experienced similar behavior with your boyfriend? I really want to know what you make of all of this and whether it sounds like he is gay or bi? I know that I need to do something about this because I deserve better but the thing that is so hard is when you fall in love with someone and the idea of breaking it off tears you apart inside. Other guys I could do stuff with and not think twice of contacting them again but with him he is someone that I truly love and care for. By the way, we use to do everything when it came to sex, but now for the longest time he will only let me give him a bj and he says if I want more he might do it during my birthday or something like that. Please let me know what your take is on all of this.

Oh one more thing he will say that when I ask him why one minute he is into guys and the next he isn't or why he wants to do threesomes he will state it is like asking a criminal why do they do the things that they do and compare it to things like that which I find strange.

[zeon]

Hello there,
Firstly may i welcome you to gay speak and tell you that you have found a good forum to seek some advice on.... Ok lets begin... You stated that your boyfriend wanted to keep things on the low to stop himself being outed as gay which is fair enough if your able to respect and tolerate that... Alot of gay people even in a well established town like one i live in with a gay population of 55,000 feel they are better in the closet than in the open... I personally couldnt be with someone that I had to make a lie for... Its degrading for me as i cannot uphold the respect for my partner beliving that honesty is best policy...
I would ask for you to respect him on the principle that he has phoned you on a evening to let you know he wont be coming home as he is going out with some work collegues... However as you stated he was meeting a supervisor... The problem with work places all over the world is that many em ployees like to brown nose the guv'nors and try to get in their good books. Personally I call this tactical Bullshit and judgementation of character... Now im trying to work out that weord you stated as "b*****" It has one extra star longer than the word Bitch... I can understand how this can make you feel uncomfortable because you dont work with him however he may have said it in jest to liven the mood as i know with me i used to work with a guy who had the same name as my boyfriend and i told him his my work wife and my bf is my home wife... This was all said in jest and friendly banter. Now when you say "He wound up buying him drinks but never me" was the He your referring to your boyfriend or his new supervisor??? If it was your boyfriend he should be bloody ashamed of himself... Ashamed for the fact that his publicly humilated you infront of a total stranger that No one deserves to be treated this way..
You stated that your boyfriend saw you was upset.... What the bloody hell was he doing at this point and Why did he not come over to you to see that your alright and everything should be set straight again??? Asking you for your opinion on his new supervisor is understandable if you have a open relationship... It is also understandable if you are friends cruising in a club for a shag BUT it isnt acceptable if your an item together with good closed intentions... Of course it could be taken in a complimentary way and meaning however If he was complimenting him you would be able to tell and the fact is where you was already upset what with him asking such a bloody stupid question is beyond belief... Why the hell would he want to know what you think of him??? Does he have an ambition or is he seeing if this guy is a threat to what he has and you may possibly have??? He replies with he wouldnt do anything with him because your important to him??? I hate it when people say that because that one line and one line only is about as useful as a fucking ashtray on a motorbike.. The fact he was meeting just this guy after work and none of his other collegues sounds to me that he has more intentions than just brownie points...
Now with regards to the two strangers they didnt know in the bar you cannot fault them. They are not responsible if your boyfriend wants to give them bloody false information... Your boyfriend should have told them his flattered that his been hit on by two guys but is only looking for friendship and already has a devoted loving partner... The fact he went one step further and gave them his number is another factor... Has he met them??? If so has he introduced you to them??? If not ok dont panic give it time and he may do.. If he has introduced you to them what are your impressions of them.. Without the green eyed monster do they seem alright as people and as friends or does your gut instinct seem a little hmmmmm?
Without prising too deep may I ask what text comments were being thrown to them during conversation???? You of course dont have to answer this question it just helps us trying to give advice build a bigger picture... So you hit a T junction in the road where the supervisor is out of the question.... Are they now strictly business and not business and lesuire or does lesuire still come into it... The fact he lied about the money situation instead of being honest as he would expect you to be with him shows he is beginning a circle.... A circle which has four sides...
I am pleased that you have been honest and stated that this guy has a stranger you dont know living with him... His been honest about wanting someone to live with him... Why did your boyfriend say he was going to sleep with this other guy on the couch??? Was that ment in a way to tell the females to bugger off his totally gay or was it ment in a way of I want my cake and eat it? Now you hit the nail on the head.... "He cheated" I am sorry to say but once a cheat always a cheat a leopard never changes its spots... What was your boyfriends intitial reaction when this joe bloggs on the sette shoved your boyfriends fingers up his arse??? Did he hesistate or say excuse me but what the hell do you think your doing??? Whats your boyfriend thinking of asking you if you want to give them both a good dose of suckie suckie??? Not being funny but A would the favour be returned and B how was this planned??? Did they sit down and discuss it all with you or was it just between them? This guy he lives with obviously has no respect for you... His being a typical gay bloke... Think with your dick and fuck the rest.. His not interested in your feelings or how upset you get, infact I would have a gut instinct in this situation that the more upset you get the better he feels because he knows he can destroy sdomething he hasnt obviously got and thats called a relationship...
Right double contradiction time.... "Theres nothing going on between us" Excuse me but how many bloody friends do you know that shove fingers up each others arses and want blow jobs on request and then say innocently or try to "Theres nothing going on between us... Who they trying to billy bullshit??? Stevie fucking wonder??? Even he would suss this out mister!! So he wants a threesome to make the girl look bad??? Hate to be a bearer of bad news but shes going to gloat more how she actually fucked a gay bloke and turned him bi sexual and get more response from people than your boyfriend saying he shagged her... Thats going to go totally tits up and he will end up with egg on his face...
The fact your boyfriend is stating things like this is harmless with movies because lets face it... Unless your boyfriend wins millions and millions and can afford a good 10 million i doubt his gonna get any celebrities crown jewels... To me this is harmless fantasy taking place or it could be a projection of what his actually interested in... I dont get it your boyfriend would do nothing with this lady if his sober but maybe if his drunk???? If he cant behave on drink then dont fucking drink... Pretty reasonable or drink only at home with friends...
Your boyfriend still insisting he wouldnt do anything with another guy because he is with you... Dont mean to sound rude but you didnt come down in the last bloody shower... His had his fingers up someone elses arse has requested Mr BJ suck another tune and has stated how he would shag a bird to be little her... Whats going through his mind is he bloody mental???? So after you asked him if he would do someone else and you heard Yes the only advice on this section of the topic is give credit for being honest... It wont hurt so much when u find out something. He is comparing you as well to people at the gym??? A relationship is formed on whats inside not outside mister... He shouldnt be comparing you to others but loving you for who you are inside as a indivudual not outside...
I know my boyfriend of six years gets flirty when his drunk and when we did split up i did state to him no shags back to the flat which were broken and after the second one I decided to sit in the lounge beside them and watch while doing facebook.. It made them uncomfortable but i just switched off from it all as its my bloody home as well...
I would say your boyfriend is definately gay as you stated about shoving the fingers up the arse moment and asking for a blow job but bi i dont know... Anyone can go out of their way if they wanted to by be littling someone....
I My best advice is to brace yourself babes and possibly say to him.... I just want to let you know... I love you so much... Infact so much it hurts me to say this but... Im going to let you go... The light between us is dying out you dont ever seem interested in me in a romantic way and with everything you have done such as requesting a blow job off me with your friends trying to make me seem like a spare part in getting your supervisor drinks but not me... It hurts It hurts alot because this spare part has feelings... You may want or say you want to be with me and im mister bloody wonderful but in reality im not... I am going to enjoy my time being single as i hope you do... If you want friendship still thats fine with me but please understand we are now offically over.....

A criminal does a crime because he wants the time... The time and the fine... Cheating is a totally different case altogether because whereas a criminal does it to feed himself and himself only cheating is somneone who wants to feed themselves and hurt the rest!

Kindest regards and bloody big hugz

zeon xxxx

p.s if you do seperate remember there is better people out there than him

[princealbertofb]

to GaySpeak, confused17.... Your story is quite long so haven't read it completely yet. Hope you find some way of patching it in the meantime. is it possible for you two to come to an understanding of what he wants and what you want. You'll never really be able to tie him down and the best way to deal with it is to face the reality of the situation. Maybe he does not want to be totally faithful to you, but maybe his flings on the side are purely recreational. Have you considered an open relationship?
I'll try to get to the rest of your post now and digest the elements given therein... Good luck and chin up!

[princealbertofb]

I see a lot of insecurity in the post, it is making you very unhappy and probably shy or grumpy... You and your so-called boyfriend obviously have very different outlooks on life. I can also detect some element of jealousy, although that's not the word you use, it's not a pleasant feeling to recognise in oneself. In any case, in your eyes, he's not treating you adequately.

May I ask what it was that made you call your relationship "boyfriends"? Have you both promised the other to be faithful or stick together? Is it something that was ever discussed between you? I don't think human beings are the most faithful beasts on this earth so is it wise to expect complete fidelity from someone, or is it better to accept things for what they are?

I believe that there is a discussion that needs to be had about the rules of you or him dating other people. Maybe he thinks he ought to be able to have sex, or chat with anyone he likes, and by doing so, he's stating where he stands in terms of his own liberty. Of course if you don't make it known to him that this is upsetting you, or if you clam up when he asks you, you are only both wedging your relationship further apart, aren't you?

You have not accepted to go and live with him, you had your reservations... He may have taken that as a slight towards him. He may actually be making you pay for that decision. Have you explained to him, why? Does he understand your point of view? I think it's unrealistic for you to expect him to know what's on your mind if you've never spoken about it. A talk needs to take place if you want to salvage your relationship or redefine it. It might also be a good idea for the discussion not to take place at your home, or his, but in a neutral place, maybe a place where neither of you should start showing anger or start accusing each other.

In cases of not seeing eye to eye, it is also probably best to state how YOU feel about things he does, or doesn't do but not to accuse him of doing things. Start the discussion with: " I don't feel / didn't feel, or I feel / I felt ... when this or that happens / happened ." Avoid: "You never ..., or you didn't ...." unless it's just stating a fact. Then get back to how it made you feel. Maybe he doesn't know all this is going on in your heart and brain.

Again, if you want to keep a person in your life, you need to acknowledge some portion of free will and liberty. After all, his body is his body, as your body is your body. No one should be putting claims on the way another person uses their body. If a person is faithful to you, it is because they have chosen to do it as a mark of respect, or a gift, but it shouldn't be taken for granted. This goes for both sides of course, and maybe, if you feel taken for granted, this should be stated.

If this boy is playing with you and it's doing you no good, just making you frustrated and sad, please consider leaving him (alone) and trying to find a relationship that is more to your satisfaction. The two of you don't sound completely on the same planet.

Just one more thing; does your boyfriend do drugs, does he drink a lot, or is he usually careful about those things? His attitude may be quite different if in an altered state. Just a thought.
You've mentioned the bar thing, so I take it he does drink, but how sober is he when he does those things that annoy or distress you?

Take care,
PA

The thing he says about being a criminal and so on means that "a leopard can't change its spots." ie "Take me as I am, I can't change, or I'm not going to change." Actually people can change, but they've got to have a very good reason for doing so. Maybe he thinks your relationship is not enough reason to make that change. So "lack of commitment" is the word, you're right. It's a shame but maybe you need to find someone else who can give you that respect. Let him know it.

[confused17]

I have read some of your posts and much of it makes perfect sense.

He does do drugs and it's funny that you mention it because he just started doing this rather recent. He said that him doing stuff with guys is basically like him choosing to do drugs he has a choice. I asked him if he would do drugs again and he said he had no desire and then guess what he winds up taking them again.

I have discussed with him our relationship and asked him how he feels about it and he says he likes doing things but he doesn't say much more about it. I talked with him a few days ago and when I brought this up he kept saying other things and it seemed that he was just trying to avoid the topic altogether. He finally did listen to me and look at me when I did tell him how much it was bothering me.

The things is like the double contradiction. On the one hand he says that he would do stuff with other guys then he says that he is not into it and wouldn't consider it. I asked him why he had mentioned in the past that he would do stuff with other guys and he states that it was an experimental phase that he went through.

He says that when I asked him about if he wanted to do stuff with any other guys while we have been together and he stated technically yes, I ask him who it was or even to just say if it was someone local and he just says not anyone in particular. How can you think about doing something with another guy if in fact you haven't thought about it and usually you always have a person in mind if you're thinking of doing something with someone in that context.

The relationship has come to where he will on;y allow me to give him a bj. If I do 99% of the time it has to be in the shower which gets uncomfortable somewhat. He will kiss and that sort of thing. He says that he will do more things like intercourse when it's on a special occasion like my birthday and that sort of thing.

As previously stated, he will say that he would be open to doing something with another guy and then state that he won't do it. He will even say that he hates a certain movie, and then when it comes on later he will say it's not such a bad movie and that it's pretty good. It's like he contradicts himself all the time and I told him that this is what upsets me because you can't like something and not like something at the same time.

As far as when he wanted me to give him and the guy that he is living with a bj I don't know if they discussed it amongst themselves but they didn't do so when I got there. They just started messing around and what they will often do too is to pull down their pants just to show their buttocks and sit on the couch and then they will put it in each others faces and he is so against germs and stuff but when this guy that he lives with does it in his face he never makes it a point to wash his face or say stop or anything.

And to answer the other question, when his pants were down and he came out and the guy that he is living with grabbed his hand and put it in his buttocks, he never said stop or anything like that he just laughed and he let him do it for like a minute or so. Is this some kind of sign that both of them are trying to send to me that their both a couple and trying to give me the clue? Do you think that they were serious when they wanted me to give them both a bj --- it just seems so compelling when they both expose themselves in front of me and one says can you handle two of them at the same time (incidentally this is what my boyfriend said to me) and the other guy said it will be out little secret?

And finally when he makes statements and doesn't say he is joking it's like he seems serious about it. It isn't until I bring it up that he says that he is just joking and all. And the fact that he says just because I would do something with another guy doesn't mean that I am gay sounds to me like he is trying to block it out and that he wants me to keep things hush hush about our relationship (on the dl). I have also told him that I am thinking about ending things and he will not be happy about it and try to contact me and everything. I just don't understand if he doesn't really care about me and all then why would he bother to put me through all of this and want to still be together?

One more thing is I told my friend about what was going on and that my boyfriend had stated that he would never accept a friend request from someone that he didn't know. My friend is a hot looking guy so he said tell you what lets try it and see what he does. My friend sent him a friend request and he doesn't even know him. My friend said that he feels that by him accepting his friend request and he doesn't even know him tells him that he will accept anyone as long as their hot and when I talked with my boyfriend about stuff and didn't mention this he mentioned one of his friends names, and then said that this person lives in a certain city which wasn't the case. However, my boyfriend mentioned the city and school that my friend who sent him a friend request had on his profile and it's not a major city or something that you would think of, and as my boyfriend was saying more after mentioning the city and school he said I'm meeting new people. What do you make of all that?

[confused17]

Just wanted to add that my friend thinks that when he mentioned the city and school that he was referring to my friend that sent the friend request but that he was just saying someone else to not make it obvious who he was referring too. My friend feels this way because after mentioning the city and school which are right on the money of his profile he stated after finishing what he was saying meeting new people.

And it goes to show you he said that he would never accept a friend request from someone that he didn't know so that proves to be a lie to me too. Perhaps it was somewhat wrong for us to have done so, but my friend makes a good point by at least testing it to see what exactly he would do and my friend said he would have had more respect for him if he had sent a message asking how do I know you or something to that effect, or if he hadn't of accepted. The fact that he accepted fully my friend feels shows that he was accepting because he was hot, and why else would you accept a friend request from someone you don't know, and that he told me he wouldn't accept a friend request from someone he doesn't know?

With what I have stated thus far with everything what is your take?

[princealbertofb]

The more I read, the more I think this guy and his flatmate are taking the piss out of you and are not considering your feelings at all. Get out of it while you still can. You have one advantage, though, which is that you could say that you don't care if anyone else finds out about 'their little secret'.

No, I know it's not done to blackmail people, but it's your ammunition against all this carelessness. After all if they can treat you so slovenly, then so can you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I do not do 'on the down low'. It is one of my cardinal rules. I always see it as a form of lying - that makes me uncomfortable.

From what you wrote and how you wrote it, it sound like this guy is not really wanting a real monogamous relationship.

My advice - based on what you wrote and how you wrote it - is to cut bait and run.

I rarely tell people to run - I usually try to come up with a plan of action toward working out a relationship, however from what you wrote and how you have laid things out he isn't going to actually work on a relationship, and the tools of relationship building handed over to him may actually be like handing a loaded gun to a mass murderer.

[confused17]

I really am so happy to have so much input.

I often wonder if I had moved in with him if things would have been different but I had to go with the way that he was treating me at the time and if he treated me this way without living with him, I was afraid that he could potentially be worse. He would say that he was disappointed and upset that I didn't move in with him.

Plus this other guy that is living with him now he lived with him before. He left for a while and then wound up coming back. I talked with him about it and felt that if I moved in if this other guy wanted to move in then he would let him even if I didn't want him to have the other guy move in and it winds up that is pretty much what he said.

As far as my friend sending him the friend request do you guys agree with him that my boyfriend was talking about him even though he mentioned a different name being that he named the city and school he attended and after that said I'm meeting new people when he talked with me? It was like a separate conversation that I didn't talk with him about my issues. My boyfriend just mentioned it when I was visiting. I wanted to get your take on that one, and it seems strange that he would tell me he would never accept a friend request from someone that he doesn't know and he did. My friend as stated feels he did so because he's hot and that played a big part into it.

I also need to make a decision as to what I need to do. I guess it sounds like I could potentially be friends with him but when it comes to the relationship that this needs to come to a close. Do you think I could still be friends with him or do you think it's time for me to just move on?

The thing is when I do try to leave he always winds up contacting me and I don't know why because if someone doesn't care for me why put me through all of this and not let go?

[WesHollywood]

Something you did not discuss is that you are 46. How old is the boyfriend? If he is in his twenties, that is one thing. If he is your age, he is either a child or is playing you. If you truly love him, watch yourself you may be in serious emotional danger.

A good friend who works with my mentor's lover is in his 60s. He started dating a guy who would sleep over, but never have sex. The next thing we know the guy is moving way across town, and is being isolated from us. Two months later we get a call from Barstow, (boondocks) the friend is in a hotel room with all his possessions, and has no cash. The boyfriend "went to the store" with the van two days earlier and never came back. We went to get him. He was financially wiped out at age 62. The friend was humiliated, and none of us knew what to say. The president of the local Fraternal Order of Eagles lodge took him in.

All of us are vulnerable when it comes to love, and we do stupid things. It does not sound to me like what you have is real. Cover yourself - be prepared.