i feel...

[Anonymous]

Alone, forgotten, isolated, de-valued, unloved, mis-understood, incapable, disappointed, doubtful, discouraged, uncertain, paralyzed, ASHAMED , POWERLESS, INFERIOR, EMBARRASSED, empty, GUILTY, HESITANT, frustrated, rejected and offensive. I am fearful, terrified and anxious. I feel like I have no one who understands me. Not even the person that I have relied on for the last decade of my life. Everytime I try to share my feelings, everything gets turned around on me. I feel like I was a burden to my parents and not appreciated and accepted. Not I fear that I am treating my son the same way. But at the same time im afraid to change. But the harder part is I have no idea how to change. What did I do in my life to derserve this. Im so afraid of being hurt, alone, and rejected that I do nothing and say nothing to turn my life around. I am a sheep. Just following the herd and going through the motions of everyday life. I long to be normal but I have no idea of what “normal” is. I feel that I love my wife. But im scared to let her know how I feel. Im scared to let anyone into my life and my personal feelings. This is so hard for me, but yet comes so easy. Im so scared of people not liking me. It consumes a lot of my day and energy thinking about what people think of me or if they want to be my friend. Eventhough I have no idea what a “real friend” is. My life is sad. Im depressed most of the time but I wear a mask to hide it. I have done this for so long that I have no idea who I really am. Im scared to find out. Im scared of change. i have nowhere to turn it seems. I have so many demons that I have to deal with I don’t know where to start. Im scared to start because I know I will lose everything that I feel that I have gained over my life. I don’t know what to do. Im lost and lonely despite having people around me that seem to care about me....

[azulai]

I'm sorry you are going through this but it seems you are on a much needed journey.

When things are overwhelming for me I tend to write things out, make lists - IDK, it's almost as if I am physically working and thinking things through especially when I feel ineffective about a situation. Maybe journaling could help you gather your thoughts?

Maybe group some people together in columns, for instance, love or friendship? Ask yourself what you are grateful for? Feel some positive energy from that.

Maybe work up a list of things you would like to work on or see some positive changes in?

Maybe with regards to your son, pause and try to focus on things he does well and tell him. Just stop whatever you are doing when you are with him next and hug him; tell him you are proud of him.

Maybe consider seeing a counselor that you could work things through with? Sometimes we hit a wall and we need a professional to work with; to kind of guide us on where to start. To maybe offer us a safe and healthy way to start dealing with your unique situation.

Sometimes, we are our own worse enemy and don't let people in when we should. So, those people that surround you and care, maybe it's time to confide in one of them?

Take care of yourself. I'm sorry my post isn't as helpful as I wish but I hope you feel a little support. The decision/turmoil of coming out is unique to each of us yet very similar, I think.