My boyfriend cheated on me with a girl and now I'm feeling low

[Anonymous]

A friend told me to post on here so I could work things out and to see if I could work things out in my head. Right so the story is my boyfriend and Ichave been together for a month until Monday I received a text message from a girl saying she was his girl friend and theat they have been in a long term relationship. I was devastated and found this girl on Facebook and saw that my boyfriend had a completely separate life one of which I was totally unaware. When I confronted him he just said yeah it's true I can't say anything against it but then he got nasty. He said that I was sad enough to think anyone would love me and that he was glad to be rid of me and the whole month together didn't mean shying to him. I have had personal problems before with abuse from my parents (physical) and I am very bad with my nerves and shake as a result of this, I also have a nervous tic which he made fun of saying that I was broken and twisted and that he would never be with someone so pathetic. It just seems cruel that someone would lead me on for a month promise me the world and keep me safe from my parents and just be there for me. I see this guy everyday because he is in all of my classes at university and the pain I feel is so hard. I have a history of depression, self harm and cutting and I really am struggling to cope, I just see this person everywhere and just don't know what I can do.

I would also like to thank a certain gayspeak member I know for giving me the courage to post this even if it is anonymous.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Our parents are the first ones that we create a ruler by which we measure potential mates. Both good and bad qualities in our parents we will add to that ruler. By the time we are old enough to start dating we are looking for those qualities in potential mates. The problem for folk like us is that that sets us up for finding those 'endearing' qualities that we like to actually be the behavioral patterns of abusive people.

In my case I kept on getting involved with guys that had 'control issues' and barely kept in check anger issues. It took me several tries and ultimately be completely changing the type of person I would date to as far opposite as I could find from 'my type'. Until I made drastic changes I kept on dating good old Dad.

No The guys didn't look like Dad, but they had similar temperaments and behaviors and personality quirks that I was drawn too like a moth to the flame.

In the early stages of the relationship most of these quirks are actually either 'sexy' or 'cute'. But then considering that most abusive people start off as cheerful, charming and self confident, then use similar techniques to isolate you from others such as promising to keep you safe, telling you 'Oh Baby, I make enough money, you don't have to work' . These sorts of tactics are to gain your trust as completely as possible, and to make you dependent upon them, financially and emotionally.

Then later on they start demanding you stop seeing your friends, stay at home, cutting up phone cords, threatening you into submission...Then comes the beatings since now you are alone, with no place to run to and usually by that time also financially unable to run away. You are in their power, they do as they want.

This pattern is heard in many groups where victims of abuse share their stories, we are victims of following the pattern because we 'fall' for it.

You are, most likely attracted to those qualities that lead to abusive behavior. What this guy did to you is abusive. Unfortunately with your past you are not going to be able to readily see what those qualities are that lead to abusive people.

It is not your fault. You are most likely pretty innocent about how human behavior works.

http://www.cbn.com/family/marriage/pethe...raits.aspx out lines it in detail, A Google search reveals more sites:

https://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#hl=en...94&bih=609

Things like manipulative, Charming

Look at #3 from that site - sound familiar?
3. Manipulative.

This man is very intelligent. He knows how to detect your weak spots, and he uses your vulnerability and past pain to his advantage. “You were abused as a kid because you are so ugly.”

What is also true is we victims also have traits - personality quirks that draw abusers to us. http://safeharborsfl.org/domestic-violen...nd-victims

So here we are. You are a victim of abuse, you carry those scars both internally and externally. Your personality, those behaviors you do without knowing, from being a wee bit to shy, maybe even a bit to bright eye draws the potential abuser to you, then he has those charming qualities and the ability to manipulate your 'inner child' since he already has an instinct for what it is you have experienced.

Another one on victims that may shed more light: http://thereislifeafterabuse.com/VictimC...stics.html

Ok, so much for the psychology lesson. Lets move on to this current situation.

1. He is the asshole, the jerk, the dumbass, the devil, the freak, the son of a bitch... whatever. YOU are NOT.

2. He manipulated you and used you. He took advantage of you. He is an asshole, a jerk a dumbass.... etc.

3. Your best defense is to kill him with civility and kindness, and warn others that you may know who might date him that this guy is a jerk, an asshole.. you know the litany by now.

4. Find a support group for survivors of abuse: https://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#sclie...94&bih=609

I have only given you a crash course on how it works with abusers and how they find you, you will need to meet up with others who like you have been abused by others before. Learn those traits that abusers have. I bet if you find a real time, face to face, group you will find others who will befriend you and be more than willing to help you to discover what it is you see in those types of guys.

The best weapon you have to use is knowledge. Learning to spot those characteristics and understand them as what they are will empower you to keep from getting involved with these kinds.

As for Mr. Jerk you have dealt with, ignore him as much as possible. Smile - really smile, act like what he has said, what he has done was all a big joke when he is around. Don't say anything more to him on the subject. Don't stare at him longingly, he will only feed of it and get is nasty thrills knowing you pine for him. Do not feed his sickness, starve it and he will move on.

Edit Addition:

In case you can't tell by all of that above, I too come from an abusive home, I too have knack for drawing abusive men to men and I am drawn to them. It took me a long time to figure out what needed to be done from getting involved with violent men. I ultimately opted for a complete overhaul of the 'type' of man I would date.

[AirBorn]

I am sad to hear what you are being put through. I myself come from an abusive background and am still trying to find myself - I guess we are all still finding ourselves, it never stops as we are always growing and changing - please just continue to remind yourself that YOU are here for a reason, YOU are not a mistake, and YOU are beautiful even with flaws (and we all have them) and worth being treated right.

[Anonymous]

He was never physically abusive to me he just made me feel special and normal, he even opposed my parents treatment of me, I just ask myself why would he go to so much trouble just to break me down. He said my self harm scars and quirks like my tics and my shakes didn't bother him and I was special, just been wandering round like a zombie. There's only so muchc disappointment a person can take, if anything I've just learned not to expect anything from life. I used to think I was a good person, but when you are told that you are nothing everyday and then someone you love hurts you like this there must be something in me which is wrong and sick.

[zeon]

Hello,
May i point out that in life no one is perfect... We are all unqiue in our own ways but no one is perfect.. I for example am short sighted and wear glasses some people see this as a bad thing some see it as a detector to avoid but to me its part of me... Something i cant change... Now what your boyfriend has done is totally unforgiveable no one deserves to be treated the way you have been not even a worst enemy... If he couldnt be honest from the start he should have said so and if the girl stays with him then bigger fool her... You stated that you see him at university... If his someone you have to work with my best advice on this is to work together as a team through the university time and if things get too much you always got gayspeak you can vent things off from... No matter how low people may make you feel whether its family or him you have people on here who are willing to listen willing to help and give advice... Many people here come from all different backgrounds and we all have times when we get low whereby we all need an ear to talk to so dont hesistate to post annoymous... This is what i like about gayspeak no matter who you are or where your from we all tuck in to help one another through troubled times

Big hugz and kindest regards

zeon xx

[princealbertofb]

Dear Anonymous, your ex boyfriend doesn't sound like a very nice person, I think you're the lucky one to have got rid of HIM. How dare he say that nobody could love you. He's just being a bully so shame on him!!! What I think though, is that he's taken advantage of you, in some way... I don't know what you've got up to sexually speaking, but if you've done anything to please him, he's been using you, and if he turns out to be a closeted homosexual, he may well be part of those self loathing ones. It's sad really. I think you are by far the better person for being true to yourself. If the ex boyfriend is hiding away his homosexual attractions just to be normal, he'll find it hard finding his true self in later life. That's not something that will be enjoyable.
Honestly, find someone who can love you for what you are, and that you can respect by loving him back.
Good luck, hon.
PA

[chillythoughts]

hey anon
sorry to hear what your boyfriend did. it wasnt respectful at all. it wasnt your fault at all. Please remember, there are better people out there and people who wont hurt you and will love YOU for YOU. dont be degrading yourself in any such way. you will find someone who will love you just for your attributes and personality.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He was never physically abusive to me he just made me feel special and normal, he even opposed my parents treatment of me, I just ask myself why would he go to so much trouble just to break me down. He said my self harm scars and quirks like my tics and my shakes didn't bother him and I was special, just been wandering round like a zombie. There's only so muchc disappointment a person can take, if anything I've just learned not to expect anything from life. I used to think I was a good person, but when you are told that you are nothing everyday and then someone you love hurts you like this there must be something in me which is wrong and sick.

More typical behaviors of the abused. You are denying he abused you - somewhere in side of you you know that what he said was unnecessarily cruel. That is abuse.

You are turning it around from him to you: there must be something in me which is wrong and sick.

---> No matter how many of us tell you 'No Sweetie, it isn't you, its him' you won't believe it.


He was emotionally and verbally abusive.

He makes fun of your tic, saying:

I was broken and twisted and that he would never be with someone so pathetic

That my friend is abuse. Verbal and emotional abuse. He knows its one of your sensitive spots and what did he do - he attacked it with a vengeance. Normal people don't do that. Even if they are super pissed off they steer clear of sensitive button issues because they know its wrong and know it causes harm.

Abusers seldom go from charming to hitting, there are steps. Those steps include verbal cruelties well before they actually start talking with their fists.

He used you - that too is abuse. He manipulated you - making promises he had no intention of keeping. He also used your prior experience to rope you in and then ultimately start beating you over the head with it - verbally. This is all abuse.

And you most likely are going to do what every person who is abused does, deny it, explain it away, see it as your own fault (not his).

I bet you have picked up something sharp recently and put another notch in your skin punishing yourself for making him 'that way'. Self Destructive behaviors are typical in abused individuals. Dome of us do alcohol, some of us do massive quantities of drugs, some binge eat, others starve themselves...

Cutting is self destructive, and you do it for the same reason why I did massive amounts of coke, meth and alcohol - to escape for any amount of time from the emotional pain.

Again, find a group meetings of survivors of abuse. Go to meetings, network with others who have similar experiences to share. They will help you to steer clear of future trouble and they will help you to see what really happened here with this freak.

If you don't, the pain will just keep coming, you will meet other seemingly 'nice guys' who will turn around and rip your heart out, stomp on it. And you will be posting again anomalously asking 'Why?' and telling us that it was your fault.

[Anonymous]

I can honestly say this was the only time it happened, the one time he did anything to upset me. He didn't at all follow the traits of abusers, I had my own friends he was fine with it, he was perfectly nice to me he never became physical with me. It was only when I confronted him about this girl when he snapped at me and said all those things to me. It was cruel, I believed his lies but in no way did he physically abuse me, he did verbally abuse me but only when I confronted him. I have to see this person everyday and work with at university who to an extent I still love because He was the only person who ever showed me kindness or an interest in me. No I haven't self harmed either, I am in pieces and I am doing my best not to slip up. I am also hurting because at the weekends I would go to his home and escape the abuse I am receiving at home, he made me feel safe and I don't have that now. I don't think I'll ever get over this, but at the moment I just feel numb.

[Anonymous]

Thank you guys for your different perspectives, I'm still heartbroken and have to see this individual daily and this week is going to be a massive test. Still feel really down about what has happened and I am trying to keep myself busy, I honestly don't know how this situation will end but I'm gonna try to see the light at the end of the tunnel.