falling in love with sex partners

[Rainbowmum]

:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin: well...I have to feel horny...does that count?:biggrin:

LOL But ofcourse if you aren't in the mood nothing will work. :biggrin:

[hamsandwizh]

I've had sex without getting attached and I've had sex then got attached. If I know the guy fairly well and we hook up I can pretty easily get attached unless the sex is just horrible which I have not run into, but if it's a guy I just recently met or I don't really like as a person that well then I can do it without getting attached. So it depends, but it's been a while for me, well, I guess not that long since I have had a slump buster lined up for awhile now but I'm just not that desperate! lol (yet!)

[ZackT]

I have had 1 fling, although at the time I was sorta trying to date her and her trying to date me, but our schedules made it difficult and she was ultimately much more interested in someone she worked with.

It's also the only time I've ever had sex and just couldn't get off. We had sex 3 times and I wore a condom (something I don't normally do with my girlfriends) and for whatever reason, I couldn't get off. I don't think the condom itself is what did it, I've used them prior to that and after that and it worked fine. And it's not like she was too loose or unattractive or anything like that. I just can't figure it out.

I'm not big on 1 night stands though, or just fuckbuddies. It's a cool idea when you say it, but I think the possibility of 1 person developing feelings for the other is pretty guaranteed.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I'm the odd man out here. For me I have to have something other than mere lust to have enjoyable sex with a person.

This explains why in 45 years I have only had 8 sex partners. Six attempts at relationships and 2 attempts for casual - no-strings attached sex.

Sex is not merely pleasure and lust - it fills a lot of other emotional needs and does other things than lead to procreation. As we evolved sex has evolved with us, becoming not just a way to spread our genetic material, but also a useful tool to get that necessary pair bonding between two adults so they can work together to insure the survival of the helpless offspring that is the usual outcome of sex.

I think a lot of gay males throw out the love aspect, deny it because we are programed by society to believe that two men can't really love each other. While no one really says that anymore, society does send that message each time Gay Marriage is voted down.

Back when I was doing clubs and bars (20 years ago) the old jaded queens told us young boys hitting the scene that our romantic 'fairytale' story of finding a knight in shining armor and living happily ever after was impossible for gay men because two men can't really love each other. They were repeating what society was telling them.

Sixty-two thousand four hundred repetitions make one truth. Aldous Huxley "BRAVE NEW WORLD"

This is the power of brain washing, say at thing enough times and people believe it.

Gay men are a product of brainwashing in their so called 'culture'. I know this is an unpopular notion. We have been programed to live up to straight expectations of what it is to be gay. To the point where we actually deny ourselves much. We deny ourselves monogamy, long term relationships and the starry eyed wonder we started with long ago when we had this notion that we would meet Mr. Right, settle down and live happily ever after (among many other behaviors that we live out as stereotype).

Society as a whole (Gay, bi, straight, whatever) has brain washed itself as to what this thing called love is all about. The divorce rate is high for first time marriages not because love dies, but because society has made the idea of love something it is not. People deny that love has stages and mistake that first passionate pang of love as 'real love' and when that is replaced with deeper, different kind of love that love has 'died'.

While some of us really can have lots of sex and not get attached, my experience with others who have 'confessed' their confusion through the decades tells me that a lot of guys (gays) have a much stronger emotional attachment to potential partners than they are willing to admit to others and in many cases to themselves.

They decide to ignore those emotions because they think that that is what is expected from them. Or they do fall in love, admit it and get their heart ripped out and stomped on for their confession as the other refuses to accept this 'love' potential. It becomes a vicious cycle where one destroys the heart of others, on and on sowing seeds of confusion and hatred of the idea of love.

Between life long monogamy and endless promiscuity there is a middle ground that most (not all) humans fall in. We are not really wired for a life dedicated to one mate - we are not wolves. Nor are we designed to endless coupling with nameless strangers. We have both a need to spread our genetic material and a need to settle down and find companionship, love, commitment for at the very least the short term - a few years, a couple of decades.

Where you fall on that ultimately depends on you, I suspect you lean further into the need for love, companionship, partnership.

[AlephNull]

Gay men are a product of brainwashing in their so called 'culture'. I know this is an unpopular notion. We have been programed to live up to straight expectations of what it is to be gay.

I agree completely and it saddens me. I have to actually convince people that I like men because I don't fit the stereotype of "dog lover". Im pretty straight look and I don't have limp wrists or anything. I enjoy men, and that has nothing to do with the rest of my life (for the most part).

You know what I find most disturbing? That people look down on the idea of falling in love with the people you have sex with outside of your "primary relationship", or dismiss it. Conservatives say things along the line of "when you have sex with someone you give them apart of yourself" like its a bad thing. I think that's actually the best part about sex, and something to be celebrated. Maybe if we shared more ourselves with other people, and were more open to each other, maybe this world would be a better place.

[AirBorn]

I have never had sex with someone I did not have feelings with...... I guess I have high standards.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Some people are just much more emotional, but that's fine. As long as you don't fall too hard, everything is okay. In my opinion, it's good that you develop such feelings for your sexual partners, it means that you value the sexual act. :]

[princealbertofb]

If I have sex with someone, I will eventually feel some kind of romantic feelings for them. Does anyone else have this? I have heard a lot about people fucking without feeling emotion, but I can't even comprehend the possibility.

I believe people are very different in that respect. The circumstances of the act also might dictate what you let your heart (and brain --- let's not forget that brain!) feel or not feel.

I suppose, for instance, if you were just looking for a sexual outlet for your libido, a wank might suffice or a quick (or long) shag with someone equally minded would not produce much feeling (heart-brain feeling, that is) but might give some sexual satisfaction.

Then there are those who can only or will only connect if there is something else there in the attraction, not just a physical attraction but a bond in the mind. For some it'll be the propensity to kiss and be kissed, to caress and be caressed, to love and be loved. All different acts, which might, after, before and during sex lead to a stronger bond. On top of that there is the need for fellowship, for intimacy and for comfort. So if you are looking for those things, it'll lead to falling in love (if the partner has provided some form of access).

So do you think that, because someone else has let you into their personal, intimate space, they have actually given you access to themselves?

Conversely, is this how you feel about yourself?

[AlephNull]

I believe people are very different in that respect. The circumstances of the act also might dictate what you let your heart (and brain --- let's not forget that brain!) feel or not feel.

I suppose, for instance, if you were just looking for a sexual outlet for your libido, a wank might suffice or a quick (or long) shag with someone equally minded would not produce much feeling (heart-brain feeling, that is) but might give some sexual satisfaction.

Then there are those who can only or will only connect if there is something else there in the attraction, not just a physical attraction but a bond in the mind. For some it'll be the propensity to kiss and be kissed, to caress and be caressed, to love and be loved. All different acts, which might, after, before and during sex lead to a stronger bond. On top of that there is the need for fellowship, for intimacy and for comfort. So if you are looking for those things, it'll lead to falling in love (if the partner has provided some form of access).

So do you think that, because someone else has let you into their personal, intimate space, they have actually given you access to themselves?

Conversely, is this how you feel about yourself?

It seems you have pegged me accurately. There is nothing about the act of sex itself that doesn't seem extremely personal and emotional to me, even if they don't return the openness or the emotions.

[Moregelen]

Eh. I don't think I could even really have sex with someone I didn't have feelings for. Even just the few experiments I've had left me feeling rather bereft afterwards since it just made me sad to do something like that with someone who didn't really matter.. and why the hell would I do something only to end up sad afterwards? So, I don't think I could.. and if I did have sex with someone I didn't really have feelings for, I'd probably end up really regretting it later on.