As a new user, I am still, well, very new to this site.  so please bear with me.
As an open-minded person, I find this very troubling and somewhat disturbing, but I think I need the help with other's opinions.
I am completely comfortable with my sexuality, and my close friends that I have came out to are as well. However, I find it troubling that my friends know me, and my parents don't. So what I would like to know is, how did you come out to your parents?
I have tried many a time to just talk with my parents about gay people, maybe just in a casual conversation. It all leads to the same question: Are you gay or something?
You see, I would be extremely willing to tell my parents, all except the fact they have portrayed their thoughts on gays extremely well and in detail.
Truth is, they hate gays and have no remorse for doing so. Why would they expect me to tell them I was gay after some of the things they have told me?
They have threatened me second hand by explaining their hatred of the gay world, and what really gets me about the situation is that I /know/ they are ignorant people.
I have been threatened to be sent away if I were ever gay, and that they would hate me even if I was their daughter.
My mom even brings up how she would go as far as to shoot my girlfriend if I had one (which I do, and she's been my friend since the first grade). And what makes it even more awkward is that I know my mom is talking about that specific friend. (She doesn't, but I do)
What I really need is advice or experiences if any. Have any of you ever told your parents you were gay when you knew they didn't tolerate it? Because I am sick of having to load this site in private browsing because I'm scared of my own family
-thank you
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I would say it depends on your situation, if you are capable of being independent from them, then you don't have much to lose from being honest. If you are financially dependent on them, then it can become very hard on you. The upside is that I think even most parents who react badly eventually come around in time. My mother does not handle it well, she does not approve, but our relationship is civil if not ideal.
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As I am sixteen, I am still financially dependent on my parents. I just can't stand hiding 24/7. Thank you for your advice.
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Katelin Wrote:As I am sixteen, I am still financially dependent on my parents. I just can't stand hiding 24/7. Thank you for your advice.
I know how it feels, but sometimes you might want to play it safe. If your parents have said they would send you away, even if they are bluffing, it might be best for you to keep quiet until you're out of the house. It's not fair, and really it's up to you if you think you want to come out to them, no one can really tell you what's going to be best for you.
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If you are 16 in the USA then they can legally send you to a place to be beaten, starved, tortured for being gay.
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This is a tough situation! I wasn't sure how my parents felt about gays when I came out but I also came out in my 20's when I had an apartment, job, etc. so I was independent and on my own so I at least had a place to go and could support myself if it didn't go well.
What helped me eventually tell them though was telling my twin brother first over anyone and he was actually my roommate at the time, moved out later to get a place with his girlfriend, not the gay thing, lol. And telling my older brother, neither of them cared and they said mom and dad likely wouldn't care either, I also believe they told my parents before I did so they knew and saw it coming. When I told my mom she said she didn't care, just wanted me to be happy. that was it. So I guess it went fine, lol.
But that is a VERY tough situation you're in and I feel horrible about it! I can't imagine how hard it must be feeling that you have to hide who you are all the time for fear over your parents reaction/rejection. That is the total opposite of what they should do. Whatever you decide though, good luck and hang in there, it will get better although it does get annoying waiting for it to get better
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Why?
Because you are going to have hard time explaining to them why it is you are still not married with kids 20 years down the line.
Further, parents are going to ask 'Are you dating yet?' - Lets see how long you can go without using a gender clue (him/her, he/she, etc) before you screw up and let it out that you are dating a gal.
Eventually you are going to have to choose to bold face lie to them, hide your mate from them and live two lives OR you are going to have to decide to come out and go from there.
Unfortunately many in the LGBT community expect their partner to be out to their folks. It seems like it is a must, regardless of the outcome.
I didn't come out until I was dating a guy (my first lover) Up to that point I was so far deep into my own denial that I assumed that I was just naturally celibate when it came to women.
When I did find out that I loved a guy I felt it was imperative for me to tell my parents.
Of course I was out of their home, on my own. While I would try to be on nice terms with my parents after I came out, there was a lot of other stuff, abuse, sickness in our relationship that ultimately lead to my closing the door to my parents and living as if they were dead.
Up side of that is that from that moment on a great weight was lifted from my shoulders. I no longer carried around this need to live up to their expectations, and no longer tilted at the windmill trying to win their praise and pride.
The down-side is that I do not have 'family' ties of my own not to my parents.
However I have been blessed. My partner's family has been great to me. My late Father In-Law, a stout Catholic Republican Conservative, an Officer of the Navy, embraced me as one of his own, he more than made up for a lot of the lacks my own father had.
He was the last person I went hunting with and that trip was one of the more precious memories I have. Not because we shot game, but because of the week we spent out in the wild woods just chewing the fat and him telling me he was proud of me for a few things. He more than made up for the lack of my own parents in many ways. And so too my mother-in-law. Good people.
My point is that your family may not accept you. But there are people in the world who will accept you and love you and be proud of you. Family is more than just shared genetic material.
Right now if you are stuck under your folks roof and you fear for your own safety - be it physical, emotional, mental - then keep your lips sealed and work towards and escape plan, a job an apartment and a 'safety net' that means you are not under their thumb when you do tell them.
Expect it to hurt, expect it to be mean, but hope for the best. I know of many parents who had a change of heart once it was one of their own kids who turned out being 'that way'. Personal investment can change people for the better.
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[quote=Katelin]
I have been threatened to be sent away if I were ever gay
they would hate me even if I was their daughter.
My mom even brings up how she would go as far as to shoot my girlfriend
most important:
You should not be out to your family if its not the practical thing to do. Being gay is not a religion in that not everyone has the need to know. You are not trying to convert the infidels. From what your parents are saying I think they suspect your gay. Just let it go. At your age you need to start thinking about your self not your parents. Your parents are not gods and you dont have to kneel in front of them. You are the most important.
I dont see how parents can be less than 100% sportive of their children, it so generates a circle of abuse and hate. You have to break this in your life time yourself. Below may be hateful things to say about your parents but I was a parent too.
what are your parents:
-its a general accepted theory that homophobic people are insecure about their sexuality themselves. More than likely they grew up in an environment not conducive to learning, low economic advantages, insufficient education or social exposure (travel), fundamentalist religion. A parent wakes up and if he is filled with fear he will react bad to others. You are not going to be able to educate them. You are the child.
-Now is a good time to be gay, lots of options for the gay person compared to when your parents were growing up. You can life a very functional life, a proper gay lover, family, career. Work towards these things; of having a low stress loving house hold and break the abuse and hate circle.
-One or both of your parent could be more gay than you?
-you have a year or two to when you go to college and or leave the nest. Your will live separate lives form your family. If they continue to support you financially and the checks are generous, frequent and on time; milk them for all you can get. When you are more independent and no more flow tell them then. Do it in less than 33 words. Tell them when they are ready to behave text you back.
As Bowyn Aerrow said its important to have an understanding with your partner about how out you want to be. It is important to not let anyone pressure you into outing your self. Be the pragmatic thrifty gay.
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Thank you all for your support. I'm glad to have at least shared my worries and have gotten support. I appreciate all of it.
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text me i would love to have a one on one conversation about this i think i could really help 425 221 5173
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Maybe the typical gay "situation"?
