I need help..

[maze]

Well everyone, Im in a really hard place right now, Ive always been really sacure in my sexuality, but latly, last year or so, ive been leaning, more and more towords men, which in itself is not a problem for me at all, see, ive been with my feonce for going on six years and now im having more and more feelings for guys..I love her to death and dont wanna hurt her in anyway, but i dont wanna live my whole life in the closet, im not sure if im gay or bi, or just curious and confused, I was hoping you all might be able to help me figure out what my feelings mean...thanks everyone

[Shadow]

Hokay ... well, there are a number of things that strike me about your situation at first glance ...

First and foremost, your age. You've been with your fiancé for 6 years, so you two started dating at 14 ? Which is an age when most people are very much still developing, relationships at that age don't tend to last, as people are still at an early stage of growth, and so they are learning as much about themselves as other people, going through puberty, learning to live and love, etc., etc., etc.

That you have been able to sustain a relationship from that age to 20 represents just under 1/3 of your life, so whilst a 6 year relationship is a serious commitment and duration for ANYBODY, at YOUR age I think it should be taken even MORE seriously, as it's nothing short of a MASSIVE part of you ... I'll bet you can't remember what it was like beforehand, can you ??

The second thing that strikes me is that, at 20, you're still far from fully developed - 20 year olds (like 29 year olds :redface still have a lot to learn about the ways of the world, so it's not at all surprising to hear that you're finding yourself still growing and learning, particularly as you'll have probably subconsciously shelved little bits of that during your 6-year relationship thusfar.

May I ask how long you've been engaged to your girlfriend ? It's not hugely massively important, but it will help flesh-out the image I have of you a bit ...

What kind of a relationship do you have with your fiancé ? Is it the type of relationship where you can sit her down and say "look babe, I don't want to be anything less than 100% truthful with you - I've been having these feelings, and whilst I don't want to rock the boat, they ARE there and I DON'T want to mess you about ... let's talk about it" ? Or is she (as many women would probably be) more likely to take that as something that represents a serious problem, and immediately recommend counselling or similar ?

It is vitally important for you to observe that there is a line here. There's nothing wrong with having feelings - I'm sure that, no matter how much you love your fiancé, you've not been able to stop yourself from finding other women attractive, for example. It's perfectly natural, and nothing to be ashamed of. The LINE comes when you do something about it, so whilst I cannot find fault with your feeling this way whilst you're in a relationship with a girl as you are still very young, and you are still developing, if you were to start hooking up with guys behind your fiancé's back then, whilst I would listen to you and probably pity you, I would say you'd done the wrong thing, no question at all.

Since you're in a long-term relationship there are two people's feelings you ought to consider, but you need to be selfish to a degree and accept that this is how YOU feel, so YOU need to take control of it and make the decisions as to how YOU go from here.

So some more questions for you if I may - it'll help us better understand you ...

1) Can you elaborate on your feelings for men ? Is it something you're denying yourself ? Something you're actively contemplating pursuing ?
2) How happy are you in your relationship with your fiancé ? Honestly ... I'm taking it as read that you want it to continue, but I'd like to hear it from your lips as-it-were.

With more information, we can better advise you ... but at this stage my advice would be that it's ok to feel as you do - you're still developing. Don't beat yourself up for having thoughts and feelings - it's what makes us human .

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[maze]

Well, D and I have been dating since my 15th birthday, and we have been engaged for about six months, although I was having feelings for men at the time, I brushed them off as being unimportant at the time. D and I have a very open relationship and we have disscussed my feelings for men, and we came to the conclution that a break might be best, although I still cant help but feel its cheating on her. this is going to sounds really bad, but i just cant see a man being able to provide the emotional support a woman can, I know its ignorent of me to say as ive never been involved with another man but thats part of the reason im here looking for help. Im still attracted to her, but im more and more attracted to men. and I am happy, but at the same time were more comfortable with each other then we are..in love anymore I guess, I do love D to the ends of the earth, but i feel like I need to know about these feelings one way or another before any kind of relationship can continue, be it as a couple or as friends, I thinks thats good for info, lemmi know if you wanna know anything else as well

[Shadow]

Yep, that is a big help ... I didn't realise you'd already gone as far as discussing it with her ...

I would have said "to correct a couple of things" but I'll be gentle and say "to allay some of your concerns" I can assure you that a man can provide exactly the same level of emotional support as a woman - as indeed I am doing to you right now, so regardless of whether you were to ultimately wind up with a guy or a girl, a fulfilling relationship should be attainable regardless of the gender of the parties thereto.

Do you think it's perhaps possible that she also feels it's time for a break ? Not from you, but from being in a relationship ? You've both been so heavily involved in it for so long, and from such a tender age, that you've missed quite a bit in the process. Don't get me wrong I'm not casting aspersions as to those people that enter into relationships at any early age - more power to you - just that when you make such decisions at such a young age, you're definitely defying the norm, inasmuch as people generally don't tend to look to settle down until they're in their 20's, 30's and beyond ... each milestone bringing them renewed reasons to look to settle ...

Since this is obviously something which is more than a niggle - it's rapidly becoming a thorn in your side, I think it is definitely something which needs to be sorted out ... however I am but an observer, and it is not my place to advocate a course of action for you ...

You might decide to explore your feelings for men, and find out that it's the key to Pandora's Box ... just as you might find it's the final piece in a jigsaw puzzle you've been trying to complete for the longest of times ...

You might try it, not like it, and want to go back to the way it was with D., but then again she might not take you back ... it's all very speculative ...

One thing I will happily tell you though, is that you should never EVER get into the mindset that your feelings are unimportant ... or that they'll just go. You feel things for a reason - the reason just might not be readily identifiable at the time ...

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[maze]

D is deffinitly aginst a break, twe are very close, and im sure that if i were not having these feelings we would be togather for life without a hitch. I guess what im looking for in advise here, is simply put as, do you think i can come to a conclution about my feelings without first trying to persue a relationship with a guy? Id say to give myself time, but ive been living like this for a year now, times not really helping so...
thanks .:Maze:.

[Shadow]

Okey dokes, so she wants your relationship to continue, you want your relationship to continue, but at the same time you're torn because you're not sure whether this feeling is going to stick with you indefinitely, or go away ...

In my experience, feelings of this nature are akin to unanswered questions, and so they do not tend to go away ...

Try this.

Spend a bit of time alone - perhaps an hour ... a lunch hour or something - some time where it won't look like you're trying to get away from D., but where you can be alone and think things through.

Ask yourself just one question.

What do YOU want ?

For that one moment in time, forget EVERYBODY else even exists. What do you want ?

If you can answer that question, then we'll have somewhere to start from, because at the moment I think you'd like us to give you a bit of a push in what we perceive as being the right direction, and I'm dead 50/50 on that at this point, I have to be honest.

There is a big part of me that says I have seen this situation before, and in previous cases I have dealt with, the guy has just gotten progressively worse as the niggle has become a pain and then a desire and then an obsession until he does something ill-advised and cheats on the girl ...

Perhaps you'd be different - I really cannot say ...

... but then there's another part of me that says "I'm not about to even SUGGEST that this guy break-up a perfectly happy relationship bar this one thing, just to see what it's like on our side of the fence".

All I can really therefore do for you is to urge you to take stock of what you have, and what you are going to put in the balance depending on how you play the situation.

On the one hand you have D., who is (from what I gather) a very understanding young lady to be able to discuss such things with you without bursting into floods of tears, who might quite justifiably take it rather personally if you started sleeping with men, whether as a one-off, or habitually, and would MOST DEFINITELY not want you to do it behind her back I'd wager ...

... and then on the other have you have POTENTIAL longer-term misery and problems if you keep this bottled-up because, as you yourself have said, this feeling isn't going anywhere - it's just getting stronger as time continues ...

So ... to answer your question :-

do you think i can come to a conclution about my feelings without first trying to persue a relationship with a guy?

I would say ...

Probably only by painting it in your mind as something it's not - i.e. by blackening it in your mind - e.g. by telling yourself that "to do that would be to kiss my current relationship goodbye", and use that as the stick to keep yourself in-line.

The reality of the situation is (to keep it simple for you) as follows :-

People grow, people develop, people change. There is nothing wrong with that - it's a part of our journey through life ... sometimes things happen the way we want, but more often than not there is a twist ... at this time it would appear that you are developing sexually, or becoming more sexually open-minded, and that this is opening up new paths that your subconscious is telling you you might like to walk down ...

This is not a question of virtue or piety or purity - simply of truth and fidelity. You have commitments as you are already in a long-term relationship, but you also have commitments to yourself.

Let me know the answer to my question ? Which, just to recap, was :-

What do YOU want ? For that one moment in time, forget EVERYBODY else even exists. What do you want ?

I'm trying to help you as best I can, but all I can ultimately help you to do is make up your own mind babe ...

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!