not sure how to tell my family

[KJ1989]

Maybe I'm being too militant in my approach, but why not? They imprisoned this person in a house where he felt insecure being himself for at least 18 years. Maybe they deserve 30 minutes of their own medicine.

And there in a complete nutshell is why I feel YOU are taking the wrong approach here. You have no idea of his family situation, you have no idea if he felt imprisoned and you have no idea if his parents even had a clue. You are making a lot of assumptions about his parents there, most if not all are unkind. You are encouraging him to let rage and revenge to fuel his approach in telling his parents.

Coming out, is not about getting your own back at your parents, it's not about forcing them to listen to you, it is not about coming to a resolution and have a great chat in the first 30 minutes of telling them.

Maybe that has worked for some but I think it is fair to keep your mind open to all ideas and consider other routes. People are allowed to post up many different opinions on advice here and I don't think it's going to help CMJ for there to be an all out battle on here.

CMJ, you decide when is right for you to do it. I think under some circumstances doing on a drive can be a good idea (I know 1 person personally who has done it) but I WOULD NOT do it based on an act of vengeance that is being suggested by Musicman suggesting you were imprisoned, especially if you think they may be uncomfortable.

Parents have every right to be uncomfortable and worried, it all depends on how they were raised and what their beliefs are. Not everyone is a gay lover, not everyone is going to be a gay lover but they are entitled to their opinion. I'd like to think most come over this and still love their child once they tell them (Like I said my parents aren't comfortable that I am, but they love me all the same). But I feel the last thing you want is to be locked away in a car with them if they either 1) don't want to talk or 2) do react very badly.

That is my two cents on it.

[pellaz]

oops
this is not worth it

[musicman2229]

And there in a complete nutshell is why I feel YOU are taking the wrong approach here. You have no idea of his family situation, you have no idea if he felt imprisoned and you have no idea if his parents even had a clue. You are making a lot of assumptions about his parents there, most if not all are unkind. You are encouraging him to let rage and revenge to fuel his approach in telling his parents.

Coming out, is not about getting your own back at your parents, it's not about forcing them to listen to you, it is not about coming to a resolution and have a great chat in the first 30 minutes of telling them.

Maybe that has worked for some but I think it is fair to keep your mind open to all ideas and consider other routes. People are allowed to post up many different opinions on advice here and I don't think it's going to help CMJ for there to be an all out battle on here.

CMJ, you decide when is right for you to do it. I think under some circumstances doing on a drive can be a good idea (I know 1 person personally who has done it) but I WOULD NOT do it based on an act of vengeance that is being suggested by Musicman suggesting you were imprisoned, especially if you think they may be uncomfortable.

Parents have every right to be uncomfortable and worried, it all depends on how they were raised and what their beliefs are. Not everyone is a gay lover, not everyone is going to be a gay lover but they are entitled to their opinion. I'd like to think most come over this and still love their child once they tell them (Like I said my parents aren't comfortable that I am, but they love me all the same). But I feel the last thing you want is to be locked away in a car with them if they either 1) don't want to talk or 2) do react very badly.

That is my two cents on it.

Obviously I do not feel that coming out through revenge is a good idea, and while I resent your implication that I would condone that, I can understand, giving my wording, how you arrived at your conclusion. Obviously I have no idea about CMJ's home life, but he came here seeking advice and methods for telling his parents, and I offered one, which was attacked, and which I defended. If it has taken him 26 years to tell his parents, then obviously something about the home life was keeping him back, hence my assumption that they emotionally imprisoned him for at least 18 years, which may have been presumptuous. Parents have a right to be uncomfortable and worried, yes, but they don't have a right to abandon you during your time of need. Straight parents will probably never really understand what coming out is like for us, and I feel we deserve some assurance that they won't simply storm off and never speak to us again.

I realize that, to some degree, I started this argument. So let me end it. There is simply no wrong way to come out. There are easier ways, gentler ways, and faster ways, but there is no wrong way. If, given your situation, you feel that having a plane write "CMJ's Parent's Grandkids will have two daddies" in the skies over Canada will have the best effect, then by all means go for it! General rule, as previously stated, don't come out in anger. Also, have a friend on standby, just in case. If things go badly, it's nice to at least know you could call in backup.

[KJ1989]

Also, have a friend on standby, just in case. If things go badly, it's nice to at least know you could call in backup.

Couldn't agree more on that.

[DerJack]

hi i have just recently came out to some close friends and i am in a relationship but i want to tell my family that im gay but i dont know how i am affraid of rejection and loosing them if any one has any words of advice could you please help me

Have you found any suggestions of the above helpful? Personally I was due to have a nice sit-down conversation with my parents about finances, and I found this to be a great opportunity to tell my parents. They were already sitting there with me around a table simply to have a discussion and the topic was along serious conversation, so simply at the end of one I said that I had a topic I was hoping to bring about.... but there really are infinite ways and possibilities (personally I'm a huge fan of the Davey Wavey vid that Pix posted as it's straight forward, kind and sends along an incredible message if you're not able to voice this yourself), you just need to find when you feel the most comfortable and ready and when you know you're parents will be able to take it in properly. If you need more advice ask some more specific questions or try and jump in on some chat or whatnot, try and keep us posted.

[cmj1985]

thankyou to all your advice is mosly all helpfull i am trying to come to a conclusion on how to do this any further advice will be greatly appreciated

[zeon]

hello,
coming out can be scary yet fulfilling in opening up your soul inside... My advice4 is to sit down with your mum on a 1 2 1 basis and just tell her as you told some people its three words Mum im gay... Tell her that this isnt a phase and you cant change how your body has made you.. Tell her that nothing has changed your still the same person you was five minutes ago before coming out except the only thing thats happenned is you have opened up on a topic of honesty

Kindest regards

zeon x

[azulai]

Hi, cmj1985! Quite the lively thread you have here!

I spent a lot of time reading the threads in this section. You might have to go pretty far back but you'll find some good stuff. This thread spoke to me for where I was at the time and so I'm linking it for you. There is also a thread in Chic Chat that might help.

Coming out is uniquely personal and what works for one person may not be the best course of action for you. Only you know your parents, only you know YOU and how you handle things. Some people write letters, some people send emails, some people have face to face conversations. You are 26, and may be financially independent so what I say as a college student living at home may NOT help at all.

I ended up dating someone while in the closet and just knew it was time. I considered past interactions with my parents and that helped me determine quite a few things. I wanted to handle things in a quiet respectful manner because I've screwed up some things in the past by being rash and selfish and I didn't want to screw this up. I wrote out what I wanted to say, brainstormed questions, put it aside and thought some more/wrote some more. Discussed things with a few close friends, including my bf.

Ultimately, I determined I needed to have a face-to-face conversation with my dad. But, I live at home and I have two younger sisters. We're all pretty close and I don't know if you have siblings but well, we're kind of nosy with each other. :biggrin:

Anyway, I wanted to talk to my dad privately and that's kind of difficult in my house. Also, if I'd sent him a text he would have been insistent to determine what was going on right then. Well, something was missing from my plan and one day I did read a post musicman2229 made about driving his mom and talking to her. And, that helped me tweak my plan, kind of give me a missing piece to MY puzzle, kind of got me thinking in a new direction. Because I wanted control, I wanted calm and I wanted privacy.

What I did was tell my dad my truck was making a noise and if he'd take a ride with me to see if I should bring it into the dealership. #1- my sisters are not interested in cars/mechanical stuff and #2 - it didn't raise any flags with my mom.

When my dad and I got in my truck, I pretty much said, nothings wrong with it, I just needed to talk to you away from home. My dad just said, well, let's talk. So, I had planned on driving us to this park that I like to run/jog and it's just a very peaceful place. I sometimes envision a tree from there when I meditate. Anyway, I drove there and we ended up sitting in the cab of my truck and having our conversation. I need eye-to-eye contact and I also talk with my hands a bit so parking and talking was best for me.

I did feel like I was on an emotional rollercoaster after, I did need to go stay by my bf at one point just because it felt like things were closing in on me. My parents are supportive but my mom did need more time.

So, I guess my best advice would be to read what others say, and shift through things and hunt around for those puzzle pieces and eventually YOUR unique plan will take shape.

Best wishes!

[cmj1985]

thank you azulai that is verry helpfull

[sc4456]

i agree with both sides

but i favor the driving one as this is how i think i will tell my dad but i don't think he has a problem but oh well. and i think the reason this is done is just to give a false sense of security and control and this can be good when coming out

i hope you keep us posted as i would like some tips hahah