My boyfriend loves me but doesn't want sex :(

[Jork]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years and the relationship hasn't been easy (long distance for the first 2 years, death in the family, my employment problems)....but we always had sex at least once a week, one summer it was everyday and I loved it:biggrin:. Now it's like once every 1 1/2 weeks or more, and when we do have sex, it's not as spur-of-the-moment anymore...everything is all planned out:

-ok, let's have sex after dinner
-put the sheet out to protect the covers
-all the same positions

I'm not complaining that the sex is terrible or anything, but it isn't as spontaneous, or impromtu anymore, which lacks passion. Without passion, why have sex at all, it will seem like a chore, and when I come on to him, I feel like I'm pressuring or even forcing him to do something he doesn't want. I want him to want me physically like he did before...what changed? :confused:

Has he fallen out of love with me?...am I no longer his type?...but I know he loves me, he is a very honest, well meaning person. He hasn't found someone else, but he masturbates more often... his excuse is that he doesn't need the sensation of intercourse and that body contact and kissing might be enough....I don't really understand it. Please help :frown:

-Jason

[HollandofFrance]

he sounds sick and tired of sex

[dlboy53]

First off sounds like he wants a break from sex.

Second why are you making sex a big deal? A relationship is more then sex, and personally I think sex is overrated, but don't get me wrong sex is fun but i could not stand it ever day.

So I would suggest give sex a break and cuddle and kiss him, I understand you have needs as well but expecting someone that does not have the same need only make it more frustrating, but I'm sure if you give him some space I'm sure that when he does want to have sex it will be even more special then it is when you did it every day.

[colinmackay]

I think there is an ebb and flow to a sex drive. Some times it increases, sometimes it decreases. It is nothing to necessarily to worry about.

My fiancé and I recognise this, and if one of us has more drive than the other there is always a set of videos and a box of tissues available. :o

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[DerJack]

I think there is an ebb and flow to a sex drive. Some times it increases, sometimes it decreases. It is nothing to necessarily to worry about.

I agree with this statement, even not involved in a relationship I can feel my own sex drive come and go from time to time. Just sometimes it's more of a priority and other times sex drive becomes a very un-necessary need/want in face of other circumstances... so just hold tight, see what happens, don't let this worry you and ruin something that's going so well.

[azulai]

Is he much older or younger than you? Any health changes for either of you?

What do you mean when you say you "come on to him?"
I'm asking because maybe it could be YOU who forgot the romance? What are you doing to make it fun? When did it become "sex" and not "making love?"

massages - make love to his body with your hands
bath with candles and wine - make love to his soul
walk in the moonlight - make love to his heart
start a conversation and listen - make love to his mind

IDK, just make him feel like he's more than fulfilling a need? It's almost like he's kind of told you, he can do that for himself.

Maybe think back to early in the relationship and what both of you did to make the other FEEL special?

Also, you are listed as "open relationship" - maybe it's time to explore what that means to you both and go with that option?

[zeon]

Hello,
People can lose some of their sex drive if done too much... One thing i found that re ignited was to take a break from it for about a month and then make a move and start from fresh with flirting and cuddling and then when it comes to bedtime kiss turns to snog and then give him something his missed so much... Maybe consider telling him to not masturbate so often as that tends to relieve an itch and can lower the sex drive or if he insists tell him you would like to relieve him with your body and all his gotta do is relax and enjoy the show

Kindest regards

zeon x

[Tommy81]

Most of the advice above is quite sound. I agree that you should try to remember what you found so intensely attractive about each-other at the start of your relationship, but it's never possible to recapture that "new relationship energy" again.

Talk to him. Be gentle and honest. Go to couple therapy to discuss it if it will make it easier. Obviously there is a big issue here and it would be a shame to let this go on any longer.

BTW, sex is a big part of MY relationship. It's not the most important thing, no, but it is very important, and if what the OP describes was happening to me, I would be asking questions and trying to negotiate something more satisfying. In the end, though, if you guys are really not feeling the spark anymore, you have to weigh-up how important it is to you, and decide whether you should just move on.

[Kaybee]

Oh Dear,,,how terribly dull.
Me and the mister been together 12 years,,,,,when we first got together he was likie a dog with 2 dicks,,,,I was like a Martini,,,,anyplace anytime anywhere,,,,,,,even now he still surprises me,,,,,,,,,chemistry works,,,,,Hmmmm, cant give advice on that