My turning point, almost my death

[LateBloomer]

I actually like the winter. Loads of snow and pretty dark, finding more private, as the light only reveals you.

I like the winter too. You kind of remind me of myself in a way.

Just understand this: A person's whole life can be compared to just one day (birth = sunrise, midlife = noon, death = sunset) or it can be compared to a whole year (birth = spring, summer, autumn, winter = death).

At some point Zet, no matter how much you like the winter, you'll be forced to experience the thaw and warmth of spring and summer.

I KNOW you have a warm tender heart underneath all of that protective clothing that you keep wrapped tightly around you. One day, just as it happened to me, you'll let someone get close to you and they'll want to feel the soft warmth under all of your armor.

This will scare the hell out of you. You will shake and tremble; you'll have a hard time breathing; you won't be able to find any words; you'll be terrified of what they find.

And guess what? They NEVER find what you think you're hiding. You know why? Because they're looking into your HEART and what you're *hiding* is in your HEAD.

They will love you anyway.

[Zet]

The sadness never drops, feeling like crying inside, but not even a frown on my face... So cold. Sleepless nights... Can't stand my life! Only difference is days passing.

Just ate some food to cheer my self up, just to bring some pleasure into my fading life, only to know it will bring me down even further later on.

Only thinking on grabbing the kitchen knife and end my misery once and for all, but I'll never have the courage... If only I could afford some kind off assassin to kill me in my sleep.

I don't think its normal for a person to chaise closing shifts at the café just for hoping for a murderous maniac to step inside.

Just so tired of everything, specially crying for help. I just hate to ask for help, just hate attention so much. I wish only to be left alone, but never to be alone. To be independent from others.

They say you can never love someone else until you learn to love your self, but how do you love your self? Cause all I bloody do is hate... Specially my self. All I want to be able to do is love, I've tried so hard to seek inner peace but there seem to be nothing inside.

I was never meant to be, Just a freaking burden... How could I ever give someone else advise when I can not follow my own? The ignorant wants to become the teacher...

[princealbertofb]

Andreas, maybe you need some light therapy? Is this depression, seasonal?

[HollandofFrance]

get vitamin d from sun-you get it even on cloudy day -get out take an hour walk in day

[Nick9]

hearing my mother say "Oh that poor bloke, must have lived a very loveless life. Just hope the best for him in the future".

Zet

I am afraid I know where you are at right now. But I think, for every one of us works something different. All you need to do is to try and never give up.

I remember I felt better when working - when I needed to concentrate on manual work. Walking, taking a shower, sitting next to my friends... didn't help, because I had too much time for thinking.
I missed physical contact too.

The things your mother said were sweet. Maybe you can tell her, that you can't stop thinking about "the guy" and that sometimes you understand why he did it. You never know where you find your best friend. You don't need to tell her everything. In fact, I did that and it didn't work well. I just scared her. I think I should have gone slower, easier on her.
Tell her how lonely you feel, babe
She seems like she could understand

[princealbertofb]

to Zet....

[indianajones]

O my poor boy. U just got my eyes teary. I can relate to every single word you wrote. I can understand how low u must be feeling that made you think of taking this exterem step. I tried to commmit suicide when i was just 14. My life has been a continous struggle with depression, Anxiety, OCD and what not. I have seeing psychiatrists ever since i was a child, and i am still on anti-depressants, and will always be for the whole life. Its difficult to live with mental conditions like depression and anxiety, Knowing that others are suffering too and i am not alone in this fight, gives me a sort of a relief. I am glad that you are here and spoke your heart out. We are all here to help you. Believe me, you are not alone to be going through this. If you can just be little more courageous and brave, things will definitely get better. Go to a psychiatrist, counsellor, join mental health forums, learn CBT, and i am sure you iwll get better for sure. If you would like to talk more on this, please feel free to message me. I sincerely feel for you as i have excalty felt this way. Two things that have worked wonders for me, are Excercising and CBT. Learn more and more about depression, how, why and when it occurs. Knowledge is power. You need to know how your thoughts shape what you feel. Start exercising, look good, and start pampering your self. God bless you!!

[indianajones]

Hey Zet, The good thing is, you are still young, Only 19. You can get your life back and work for a better future. Dont worry, just accept your condition and start working for getting better. You will be better off than most others. I kept wandering here and ignored my illness for a long time before i realised that it has to be taken real seriously, which i did. Now, i have a stable job, have a decent social life. Things are not exactly as i had expected, but i am slowly and gradually moving towards getting the life that i wanted for myself. Although, it is going to take good deal of effort, but trust me, you will feel great and proud of yourself. Cheers!!!

[Zet]

I do not know if its seasonal depression. The depression often comes and goes, some days I feel alright (Neutral), some days I feel like crap, few, few days are great Pretty much as much I manage to ignore the better I feel, as today was good until I read this thread about my depression did it remember me about how I really feel. As long as I don't think I'm fine, as said knowing that others are feeling like this makes me feel that I am not alone, but in what way is it good to know that there is others feeling pain?.

[Nick9]

but in what way is it good to know that there is others feeling pain?.

don't worry about this, okay? I promise we won't hold it against you