On December 30 1994 I committed suicide.
I succeeded, twice in fact since they first time the resuscitated me didn't take. All told I was dead a little over 3 minutes. The ER doctor confessed that she was worried I would be the first patient she ever lost. At age 28 she felt I was way to young to die.
How I did it? I decided if my antidepressants were supposed to alleviate depression that the whole bottle would cure the depression once and for all.
Why did I do it? Aside from the emotional horror of depression, I was also misdiagnosed as 'chronically' depressed instead of for Seasonal Affected Disorder:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002499/ Being described a mood 'fixer' only made my melancholia into suicidal depression.
I have been to the point where death looks like a very real option and the only option. It is not a good place to be. I understand how you are feeling - been there, did that. While we could list 'stuff' as to the cause - bad job, bad life choices, lack of a life partner, et cetera, the reality is that it is an emotional state that all depressed people share.
Due to my experiences with drugs (both legal and illegal) I am a bit leery of the whole 'take an antidepressant to fix the problem' path that psychiatrists take.
A psychiatrist comes with a M.D. after their name, as such they have focused on the chemical aspects of emotional/mental health issues and will spend about 15 minutes with you, slap on a diagnoses and proceed to prescribe you the latest antidepressant or other psychological-drug.
A psychologist usually does not have the MD after their name. Their focus has been on dealing with the emotions via therapy. As such they will spend many hours with your helping you to discover the underlying 'causes' of many things.
No emotional event takes place in a vacuum. There is no one single 'cause' to any given issue. The fact that you came this close to an attempt is scary - really scary. Especially since your plan was so violent. being hit by a fast moving train would most assuredly resulted in death, no resuscitation for you.
As you are now aware your actions would have consequences for others, case in point the engineer of the train who most likely would have issues of his own knowing he took a life. "Accident" or through no willful act of his own, your action would have changed his life forever in ways that I doubt we can really understand or imagine fully.
This is the 'hidden' cost of suicide. We never know what the full impact of our 'action' has on everyone else.
You have 'discovered' part of that hidden cost here, as such this most likely has left a new emotional scar on you, one that you really need to address as well as all of the other emotional luggage you carry with you.
My personal experience has been that a therapist (psychologist) is the best possible route for dealing with messy human emotions.
If I understand what I have read correctly, there is 'free' health care in Sweden. I am uncertain if there is full 'coverage' for mental health issues or if there are programs that provide free and sliding scale payment schedules for therapy.
In any case I want for you to find a therapist and go to at least a weekly session for at least one month. That is just 4 sessions. Really this is very easy, you go there, talk - nothing put at risk to you.
Promise me that for that month you will not make another attempt on your life. I'm only asking for a month of time. I'm only asking 4 simple sessions.
Talk to a therapist, let him/her help you figure out if you need to see a psychiatrist for medications.
I want for you to ask the doctor if Seasonal Affected Disorder is a potential underlying cause. A therapist will take this far more seriously than a psychiatrist. Mostly because most SAD patients respond to light therapy and various other non-drug therapies. Thus a psychiatrist is unable to pull out their prescription pad and throw pills at you.
The reason why I am asking you to explore SAD is because this is still the 'dark of winter' and it could be the reason why you are more depressed than ever before. If it is SAD I have good news - with light therapy
http://www.sltbr.org/sadfaq.htm you may experience a vast improvement in your overall mood and not need drugs at all.
Life is worth 'it' - seriously it is. Being hampered with chemical/photochemical depression hides the worth of life.
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