Should I? Or Should I not? I'm dying here.

[iPromise]

I have a huge problem, my recent relationship that I totally fell flat for, I'd probably give the world up, or my life up for it to go right, was about a year now.

It's been a year since we've actually talked to each other, etc. etc... okay it's a really long story.

I can't stop thinking about him, I'm angry at him, I'm broken because of him, and I really just sometimes wish I never knew him because my life would have been completely different. If I could go back in time, I'd choose not to meet him, but I still LOVE him, I care for him, I still go to bed thinking about him.

Everyday there seems to be something that I do that reminds me of him, I wonder what he must be doing this same time, Or I think about how he's probably working out right now, or he's graduated form college, probably hoping to get into graduate school...

Okay you get the point? I'll give my life up to be with him again if I can.

Thing is, I'm so angry at him, because I felt like he used me, I was just another experiment.

I haven't talked, text, or communicate with him in any way or form for over a year now since our last encounter. We had about a two and a half relationship, that started out as friends only. Later on he wanted and decided to be more, at first he said he was straight, but later into our relationship he love and care for me.

His birthday is next month February, 23rd. I want to send him a birthday card, to sorta spark up the communication back with us.

Please give me the brutal most honest advice on this, I don't care how you want to criticize me for being so stupid wanting to do this, I need some honest advice from you guys.

- Thanks,

[East]

Brutal Honest? Er...I have permission...right? mile:

You have an obsession and you need to find a way to let it go. When you say you would give yup your life for him...that is not a good thing. I am suspecting that since you are obsessed with this guy you have built a pedestal for him....or did once upon a time

...so take a few steps backward and list the things that you think he possesses that give him the power to make you want to put his life before your own...that incite the obsession...and go from there after you stand back and make an anlaysis The reason I say this...there has to be a distorted sense of who he is and/or who you are somewhere.

[iPromise]

Hmm a list?

We have so many things in common. (shopping, clothes, the way we dressed, major etc..), He doesn't judge me, He really did care about me, We could talk for hours and hours long (lol, one night I was up 4AM talking to him), lol, gosh he had a bright future ahead of him, He inspires me, He's the "ideal" guy I've ever meet, he's very professional, he also is compassionate, caring, loving, and, he's extremely optimistic (many gay guys I've met thus far see the negatives of the world instead of the good side).

Gosh, the list could just go on and on...there's so much to him, I've cried myself so many times, going to bed, dreaming about him.

Truth is, I've ignored him twice when he tried to communicate with me. (but I was angry at that time). Just talking about this here makes my stomach want to roll over.

I go to the gym everyday just because I want to try to get over him, take my mind off of things. (The gym is my stress relief). Sometimes I work and obsess over my everyday life just to not think about him, but it never happens!

You're right, I'm obsessing over him. I need to go see a psychologist so bad, (they offer free counseling here at my school) but I can't seem to pull myself together to make that call.

The other day I was in the library studying and started to think about him, I literally wanted to start crying right there and then. I couldn't help but just pick myself up and leave.

[East]

That helps a bit more so I have to ask ...are you willing to share what it was that made you so angry? He sounds like Prince Charming the way you describe him so it would be helpful to start at what it was that he did that would cause you to react so strongly. If you aren't comfortable sharing that...i totally understand and respect that.

[iPromise]

He's a mormon .... within a highly religious family. You can only imagine what that might do to his head right? I also belief that he wasn't comfortable with his sexuality.

Well first of all a little background about him and me.

We met through a mutual friend on MSN. One day I was talking to my friend and he invited this guy to chat with us. My friend left and we both ended up talking to each other. We chatted, laughed, and decided to stay friends. We exchanged pictures and stuff, I told him how absolutely gorgeous he is lol, and I told him that well I was "bi" and he said he was straight, so I was like okay hands off.

Few months passed by, we kept talking, via webcam, then to phone. etc.. etc... long great conversations guys. He would call me when he had his girlfriend issues, I would laugh with him, and sorta advice him with the girls, I kept telling him how fortunate those girls were and can't belief they treat him that way.

He has a crush for this "butch" girl who dressed like a guy, and acts like a guy. She had no interest for him, and it hurt him. I felt his pain.

We'd talk at school though our computers, I mailed him a webcam later on so we can chat. all of this by the way was just as friends, he was an absolutely great friend, a friend I'd love to have.

until..... a few months after, we were chatting one night, and he told me "you're so cute" at the end of the call he said "I love you" I said the same thing back, and mind you, I took all of this as friends only!! Nothing more, than just friends.

About a month and half passed, I couldn't help but notice how he changed the way he talks to me, "I love you" "you're so cute" we talked about any and everything, lol just imagine talking about circumcision, toilet preferences and stuff lol. Yah, we were that comfortable with each other, and then he dropped the ball on me.

He said that he had feelings for me all this time along, over a year long relationship as friends and I loved that year long friendship. After he dropped the ball, things went crazy from there, I don't know why, I don't understand why but...

first, he met up with a guy online and perform for him, the both of them masturbated together. The next day he confessed to me, and he told me that it's fine if I was mad at him, I should be, I though ah what the heck, you're just experimenting, and I told him it was normal. But later on I ended up crying my eyes off, it sorta felt like a dagger went through my heart. I lied to him, but he knew that.

next, we haven't talked for a while. He went Missing in action on me, It was during christmas, I had already bough him a christmas present, so I sent it anyway. Christmas passed, no communication what so ever (I called, but he had blocked my number), new years passed, his birthday came up, I send him a card, and left it as that. All this time I couldn't stop thinking about what might have happened.

After he received his birthday card he gave me a call, told me that he couldn't stop thinking about me, and how guilty he felt for having done what he did. (the masturbation). I was happy he called back and I told him I forgave him. We kept up with each other for about a month and half after, we started to talk more intimately with each other, sexually....then it happened....

Our last phone call ended about two-three months after he came back, with him saying,

"[my name here] .... I love you, I care for you, and I wouldn't want anything but the best for you, that's why I have to let you go, because I can't hurt you anymore. Let's be friends. . . ."

I guess it's my own fault because I couldn't accept the fact that even though he said those words, he still ended up hurting me.

[East]

Before I say anything else...can I ask a few questions?

First...was the relationship all via computer/webcam/phone? Was there ever any in person contact?

Second...concerning the masturbation...did he ask you to do that at any time? Were you at all "intimate" with the webcam?

[pellaz]

sounds like his expectations for the relationship dont match yours, at least the last time you talked.

make a list of what you need and see if he is willing and able. Bet he is unable.

if you get back together all the same issues you had will happen again. Its not like you were not trying hard in the relationship the first time. Just if you get back together, expect this.

[Rainbowmum]

Alright then , brutal and honest it is.
Anger and sexual tension , nasty combination.

Sweetie he is your ex for a reason or many reasons.

Do you really want to pull the scab of your heart ; more importantly are you ready to deal with his guilt and anger of being gay while being religious ?

Think about it.

[iPromise]

Before I say anything else...can I ask a few questions?

First...was the relationship all via computer/webcam/phone? Was there ever any in person contact?

Second...concerning the masturbation...did he ask you to do that at any time? Were you at all "intimate" with the webcam?

To answer your first question, We were about to hit it off in person next, after school is over with. Yah, it was a relationship mostly via webcam/phone. But it felt as real, or at least to me it did.

Ugh second question, he did mention he wanted to do it with me, but felt that it would we should "save it" for when we're finally together in person. I wouldn't have done it either if he asked, because that didn't feel right to me.

Rainbowmum, thanks for the advice! I'm not sure if he would have put our relationship away because of his religion, though I'm sure it played some part.

I feel terrible for him, because part of me feels like

A. This was all an experiment (which in case I was the victim)
B. He's going to live a fake life .. ..

I really want to get over this, I truly do, I wish I could just forget him, but I just don't know how to stop obsessing over him. :/

[East]

OK..t.hanks for the additional information....it does help alot...and I am going to be direct as well because that helps alot too.

You were in a very controlled environment with this guy and thus I promise you he is not the guy you think he is...part of your obsession is that you idealized him and if you had known him in person I doubt you would have these problems.

I believe he told you about the masturbation in order to use a type of peer pressure on you...to make you do the same thing.

Point blank...he was using you as a tool. Your gut is right. He is not who you thought he was. ...take him off of the pedestal you put him on because in a controlled environment he can say whatever he wants to say to get you to do whatever he wants you to do. Tell yourself that and be firm about it...kick your own ass.

I do believe YOUR feelings were real...