A little cofession

[spotysocks]

Sometimes i feel like i ve become emotionally detached from situations and people. At work i have to treat things with 100% logic and this extents to my every day life and my relationships with people. Or better say new people. I show no emotion except when i smile and laugh.

I thought about it and came with a couple of reasons. Initially this started i believe when i was struggling accepting my sexuality but not it's not all related to that alone. I avoid making an attachment with people and use a no non-sense approach which can give a wrong message. I wouldnt say i have been always like that, i guess i have been adapted to the circumstances and life style i have, just to mention one for example like been away from home.

I see it as a build in defense and self control mechanism i have developed for myself. It got me through in situations of crisis and saves me from disappointments. Stay calm and even if i am panicked or terrified not show it. However this got me through the shock when i heard someone from my family had cancer , and someone else had difficult time with basically everything health related and lost all teeth in age 36 and is infertile.

Also prefer not to get personal or share a lot of information with others about myself or what is happening fearing that i will seem weird or needy and be rejected by someone i wouldn't want to. therefore i am become totally the opposite, overly proud and self sufficient ; never ask for help or show that i might need a helpful hand at times. Not saying its wrong or right however thats what i do and sometimes it just builds that wall between you and the world and at the end makes you feel isolated.

I have been thinking i have to make a change as especially yesterday it hit me in the face like a harsh truth and i have to loosen up a little become more human again and happier within.

Not sure what change should i do but if you have a sound suggestion share it with me. Or should i just keep it that way and get on with it as is not that bad ?

Ah there you go... i feel better already!

[Shadow]

Whilst there are a number of positives to being somewhat guarded and playing your cards close to your chest, there are an equal number of negatives at least ...

... so whilst you don't run as much of a risk as other people of getting emotionally burnt, or of being made to feel or look a fool because you're quite careful with the information you share, it means that you have to deal with the majority of problems that come along on your own, and sometimes it's better for the soul to share a problem, and go through that natural process of breaking things down to rebuild them stronger ...

If you weren't experiencing any feelings of negativity towards your approach to things, then I'd say that's just how you like to deal with things, and carry on (and hope that, in time, better experiences show you that there are other ways) - however, I think from what you've said that you do feel a bit bad about the way you feel about these things, and how you perhaps deal with situations from time to time, and so yes - I agree with you - I think that in your particular situation, you could probably do with being a bit easier on yourself, and letting other people in a bit ...

Doing so obviously runs the risk of disappointment, feeling let-down by other people, and even betrayed at times, but it can also be the key to some truly wonderful moments, as I'm sure anybody that has been able TO get to know you well will attest to xx

The easiest way to accomplish that is to just see whether you're comfortable being just that LITTLE bit more carefree when you're socialising with other people ... share the occasional tidbit of information, use your ability to make people smile and laugh (because you do have it), and see where things go from there.

For what it's worth, you always make me smile xx

.

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[Mark]

In a respect I dont let people in. I mean when somebody asks me something quite a bit of the time I dont answer honestly as I dont want them getting close and knowing things about me. - One thing I hate dont know why :confused:

Its like weird but yeh anyway. I think sometimes you have to become numb towards people otherwise it all becomes tangled and like.. You start being miserable and get bleh.

Sometimes though you need to share, just so it dont explode inside you :biggrin:

Btw Sorry If I get it wrong there was like LOADS to read. Forgot alot

[spotysocks]

Thank you guys !

I still have to find the balance between being self controlled and how to say it... lets say spontaneous as cant find the right word. Less up tight maybe
Although i know rejection and disappointments are part of the game it hurts when it happens. Let my hair down , not care so much and go with the flow maybe. Something else i start doing now is making conversations with people i dont know at all. That was good actually, can see people take it very well when someone is relaxed and friendly. Yep that's what i have to master. Being light and relaxed and friendly but not a jingle bell!

The easiest way to accomplish that is to just see whether you're comfortable being just that LITTLE bit more carefree when you're socialising with other people ... share the occasional tidbit of information, use your ability to make people smile and laugh (because you do have it), and see where things go from there.

Aww Thanks shadow , i agree with that you are right again really ... :biggrin:
Also i dont try to be funny or make others smile but i like it when just happens. I appreciate it.

[Prince_Of_Narnia]

In my life [yes all 19 years to date] I have had to deal with a lot of things; I have been told by many that I am a survivor and I am an extremely strong character and I dont want to seem arrogant here but to that I have to agree.

I work with about 10 Muslims in work who are somewhat devout and I have earned their respect, they know I am gay and for what they know of me they respect me for who I am not what I am.

If you only knew some of what I have been through I assure that you would understand my motives in this claim. Alas the events which have come to pass and some of what has been done unto me are topics whch I would only speak of to those I trust so this post will not mention them explicitly.

Through my teenage years after a somewhat devastating and traumatic event occurred my extroverted and spontaneous personality was dramatically repressed, I became introverted and deeply reclusive letting no-one into my world. The person I was left this world and stepped into the world of Narnia, where it was out of reach and safe.

Over the past few years in attending college and coming to University in London I have grown and opened my life, my heart and yes the closet to the world. I stand before the closet now having stepped out two years ago the person I was stands by my side unsure of what the world will bring if he ventures out, one thing is for sure the personality which was reclusive strong and defensive, the Prince Of Narnia and the keeper of the closet will remain, the question I have to ask myself is can I be myself.

The same question should be posed to everyone, to quote a famous lyric "life is not worth a damn until you can say I am what I am"

So say it loud and say it proud, the more you say it the stronger that feeling will become and the stronger you will become.

[Michael]

I have a suggestion...

It's SO difficult to actually change our personality by ourselves. Even when we really want to. You and I are exact opposite. Your major traits are my biggest weakness's while living on the outside of my skin and sharing and the rest comes second nature to me. But when push comes to shove I'm not terribly strong when it comes to the difficult stuff. BUT....my husband IS. He's almost exactly like you!

Over the years we we've managed to learn character traits from each other, so while we'll never be perfect in each others "field" of expertise, we are much better than we were.

So my suggestion to you is that while it's hard to change yourself BY yourself, if you really are looking to shake things up, make or find a friend with those traits you admire and through them allow yourself to emulate what comes to them naturally. It will still take effort, but it will feel and work more naturally than having you all of a sudden cracking jokes where you never did or baring your soul and having a good cry at the wrong moments ;-) The last thing you want is everyone thinking instead of new lease on life what you need is some Prozac!

[spotysocks]

Thanks Prince of Narnia, thats an interesting post and i kind of know where you coming from. And also since i came to London a lot of things changed for me and most are for the better.

I dont know if i got it right but the way i interpreted what you say is being more open to others has to do with confidence and how happy one is within and with himself, also confidence is related to self acceptance and all these are linked. Anyhow i find that people sometimes to become stronger block or control emotion that can make them feel vulnerable, to me seems to be quite true, and the environment i am in i need to be that way. This seems to be an advanced recovering stage till we find our balance and emotional strength and free ourselves from relevant fears. Also to be who we are involves many factors. In the long term a few of those are being in a happy place, have a healthy and comfortable life style along with the financial stability to help this. Now ...that's a challenge the good news are that things usually are not as difficult as they seem.

Hope you will at the end let the Prince to shine! :biggrin:

[spotysocks]

Michael that's sweet! I can see how it can work between you two so well. Reminds me of a good friend of mine who is different than me but similar in other ways (which came a bit as a surprise) but we managed to click well. Too bad he is in the US though.

About two days ago i realized indeed it is not always easy to make the changes you need even if you really want to. A positive influence would help but in my case where i am now this is yet to be found.
However i ve joined some social and creative groups here in London. I ve signed up for dance lessons, also joined my local book club and trying to find evening classes on something fun , like making music, doing sports ect. I think being around with different people than i usually am maybe i will start enjoying myself a bit more and practice being more sociable again. At least for 2 secs once a week i ll wear my heart in my sleeve and if they think i am weird ... hmmm find another group or another heart.

[Michael]

Well that's a way as well.

It reminds me of when I first came out. I was in Japan and nobody in my agency new anything about me. So when I met my first boyfriend....wow he was a beauty!!.... nobody around me knew anything other than to accept me as is.

going out to these new groups is a great idea. Very often the people around us have such a set notion of who we are and how we act it's almost impossible to change ourselves, even if we ant to. They may eve fight our desire for change in ourselves, liking us or the status quo as is. People can be weird that way.

I think branching out and trying something completely new is a great idea. How about a cooking class? Very social....and if all else fails, you get to eat the product!

[spotysocks]

Hmmm... Japan is one of the places i want to go. If i was taller i would have tried when i was younger to pursue modeling only for getting paid to travel, the rest i would just deal with.
Btw do you know if it is true in Japan sexuality as in being gay is very tolerated and people are more open minded than in other countries? Someone here said so long time ago and made me wonder if this is really the case.

Very often the people around us have such a set notion of who we are and how we act it's almost impossible to change ourselves, even if we ant to. They may eve fight our desire for change in ourselves, liking us or the status quo as is. People can be weird that way.

Indeed! I welcome changes in people and actually will help them to make the changes they want but it's not always a vice versa scenario. Joining these groups is the only thing i could think of to be possible to do now. Cooking wouldn't exactly be something new but could always learn new tricks and eat the food as you say. Good idea thanks, i only hope they dont charge like £500... eek!