Needing a little advice/help

[Bosil]

Greetings!

First off, I want to apologize if I'm not posting on the right forum and if there is another similar thread... I looked aroud a bit before and didn't find anything, so I'm posting here.

Well... I would like to ask something and I wonder if anyone else has gone through the same. I am a straight guy (Or bi, I think...), virgin... And I do have a girlfriend (Long distance relationship). The thing is that since a long time I've been having gay fantasies, to which I gladly masturbate to, but everytime I did so (And still do), I got a strange guilt feeling and a thought of like "Hey, this isn't right... I'm straight!"... Now, no offence to anyone; I'm not implying being gay is wrong, it's just what crosses my mind everytime I do so.

Recently, I, for the first time, cammed with a random guy I met on a chatroom and well... Stuff happened on cam, to say so =P after that, I "did it" and that same feeling came to me... Now mixed up with the idea that I was cheating on my girlfriend.

The thing is that I would like to know if anyone has gone through this and yeah... I am really interested in trying on gay sex, but I'm scared I would like it and then leave my girl... I am deeply in love with her and we've even talked about marriage at some later point of life... If we're still together, but these "fantasies" and the curiosity has grown a lot stronger the latest time.

Well... Pretty much it. I'm sorry that I just... Breach into the forum to ask only this... I feel a little guilty about it, but it's something that's hacking on my mind really hard... And I'm confused >.<

Thanks in advance!

[princealbertofb]

Bosil, hello and to GaySpeak... (välkommen till GaySpeak?) It is not unnatural for men to have gay fantasies... It doesn't actually make you gay to have those fantasies. But, as you have mentioned being curious about gay relationships, you may be bisexual. Sometimes it's easy for us to feel close to a person of either sex. For the moment you feel emotionally very close to your long distance girlfriend and that's fine.

If you have been indulging in fulfilling your gay fantasies on webcam and if you are very curious about gay sex, maybe it would be best advisable to try the experience before you engage in marriage with someone of the opposite sex. Why not? At least, you could put your mind at rest that you are not gay, if the experience is not what you'd expected it to be.
What would also be important would be to get the experience with a woman as well, so you might compare.

Ultimately, you are probably not very sure where your sexual orientation lies yet, and the thought of being gay is very frightening for many boys, since society expects us to fall in the 95% or so of the population that say they are straight... Being gay is only a choice in so far as we decide to accept to live the way nature intended us to be. For the rest, it is a very complex matter...

My suggestion would be for you to stick with us here and to bring us your questions and doubts and maybe we can help you see a little more clearly into your sexuality and your emotions.
Life is a complex matter, there's no doubt about it.

What will also count is how homosexuality is perceived in your family and in your social circle(s). This may well influence your choice to experience gay sex or not.... What do you think about the whole issue?

Whatever you try out, don't forget to take care of yourself and of your sexual health... Wear condoms.

[iPromise]

so sounds like you're probably sexually curious like you stated. I have no advice on your sexuality part, but with regards of experimenting I am concerned.

If and when you do experiment with someone else (guy) please be considerate enough to make sure he is aware that this is a one time thing. "experimenting" in my view can impact both players differently depending on the boundaries set.

You don't want to have a guy end up falling in love with you, you have sex, and he wants more than just sex, which you probably wouldn't want because you're just "experimenting".

So make sure the other guy is aware that you're just exploring your sexuality, fantasies, and desires. This way he clearly knows what you want and should he fall for you, at least you didn't lie to him.

like prince said, be careful, be protective of yourself first in any and all sexual encounters. Hope you find the answers you need.

Oh, and regards with you feeling guilty with your girlfriend, well, if you do experiment, I sure hope you feel the guilt there if you didn't tell your girlfriend. I'm not sure how long your relationship with your girl is, but in all respects to her, you should be honest with her as well. Clearly you'll feel guilty about having sex with another guy and not telling her. Like you said yourself master-bating to your gay fantasies made you feel guilty.

How'd you feel when you pawed off in front of the cam with another guy? Did you think about her at all? Have you told her? :/

My biggest problem is how inconsiderate people can be towards each others feelings. One of the reason why I always like to suggest you make yourself clear when you're "experimenting".

[princealbertofb]

iPromise has a good point about sharing with a potential partner why you are doing this (if it is only for experimentation and experience).

I'm not sure I'd advise telling my long distance girlfriend about that gay experimentation unless it was really insignificant. Let's say, if you tried and didn't find it to be your cup of tea, then you wouldn't have to go back for any more gay sex... You know, been there, done that... not my thing. She might not want to know.

When your relationship with your girl becomes really intimate, you may one day tell her that you've tried gay sex and it wasn't for you. She won't blame you for that if it was a question troubling you at the time.

What you certainly don't want her to feel, is that you have gay feelings and are in the relationship with her for the wrong reasons...
In any case, it will be best for all concerned if you can be truthful and true to yourself first and foremost. It becomes easier to explain yourself when you are not confused.

[Bosil]

Bosil, hello and to GaySpeak... (Villkomen till GaySpeak?) It is not unnatural for men to have gay fantasies... It doesn't actually make you gay to have those fantasies. But, as you have mentioned being curious about gay relationships, you may be bisexual. Sometimes it's easy for us to feel close to a person of either sex. For the moment you feel emotionally very close to your long distance girlfriend and that's fine.

If you have been indulging in fulfilling your gay fantasies on webcam and if you are very curious about gay sex, maybe it would be best advisable to try the experience before you engage in marriage with someone of the opposite sex. Why not? At least, you could put your mind at rest that you are not gay, if the experience is not what you'd expected it to be.
What would also be important would be to get the experience with a woman as well, so you might compare.

Ultimately, you are probably not very sure where your sexual orientation lies yet, and the thought of being gay is very frightening for many boys, since society expects us to fall in the 95% or so of the population that say they are straight... Being gay is only a choice in so far as we decide to accept to live the way nature intended us to be. For the rest, it is a very complex matter...

My suggestion would be for you to stick with us here and to bring us your questions and doubts and maybe we can help you see a little more clearly into your sexuality and your emotions.
Life is a complex matter, there's no doubt about it.

What will also count is how homosexuality is perceived in your family and in your social circle(s). This may well influence your choice to experience gay sex or not.... What do you think about the whole issue?

Whatever you try out, don't forget to take care of yourself and of your sexual health... Wear condoms.

That'd be "Välkommen till Gayspeak" And thanks a lot! Or Tack så mycket! Wenn sie aus die Schweiz kommen, dann verstehen sie vielleicht Deutsch, ja? Aber ich spreche nur eine bischen

Well, I had been told it was pretty normal... Specially in my age, so I had taken it easy and tried not to... Let a ton of guilt-bricks fall over me... And yes, I lived a long time in Chile, so I'm relativelly raised up there... And there's a strong homophobic culture there; I guess that's the fright, so to speak, for me... Albeit, I am very open minded and tolerant, but I guess those things stick :/

And yeah, I'll stick around here... Seems really friendly and serious, which is nice ^^
And thanks once more!

so sounds like you're probably sexually curious like you stated. I have no advice on your sexuality part, but with regards of experimenting I am concerned.

If and when you do experiment with someone else (guy) please be considerate enough to make sure he is aware that this is a one time thing. "experimenting" in my view can impact both players differently depending on the boundaries set.

You don't want to have a guy end up falling in love with you, you have sex, and he wants more than just sex, which you probably wouldn't want because you're just "experimenting".

So make sure the other guy is aware that you're just exploring your sexuality, fantasies, and desires. This way he clearly knows what you want and should he fall for you, at least you didn't lie to him.

like prince said, be careful, be protective of yourself first in any and all sexual encounters. Hope you find the answers you need.

Oh, and regards with you feeling guilty with your girlfriend, well, if you do experiment, I sure hope you feel the guilt there if you didn't tell your girlfriend. I'm not sure how long your relationship with your girl is, but in all respects to her, you should be honest with her as well. Clearly you'll feel guilty about having sex with another guy and not telling her. Like you said yourself master-bating to your gay fantasies made you feel guilty.

How'd you feel when you pawed off in front of the cam with another guy? Did you think about her at all? Have you told her? :/

My biggest problem is how inconsiderate people can be towards each others feelings. One of the reason why I always like to suggest you make yourself clear when you're "experimenting".

I've thought about that... Maybe it's just a phase of which I am going through... But on the other side, I could just be bi, as Prince said... But I'll keep it on my mind if I ever try anything.

And yes, my girl... Yes, I did think about her as I did that on cam, but I tried mostly to put it away... And I can't deny I was having fun >.<

What kicks in now is the guilt feeling... That of "cheating" on her. We did have a discussion some time ago, when I told her I was kind of leaning to bi... And she freaked out almost entirely, scared that she'd lose me. We both basically just have each other, since she doesn't have really supporting parents (Which is the reason to why this is a long-distance relationship only) nor friends and I don't really have any friends to depend upon either... But yes, on topic... I am scared to tell her since I'm afraid of getting her scared to hell again... But if the feelings are still there, I think I'd just tell her right out.

Also, I've been thinking on trying right out somehow, someway to make true these fantasies.. I've thought that maybe after trying, I'd probably just won't be curious anymore... Even if I liked it or not, or kept fantasicing (sp?)... At least I'd have tried it :p
But then again... Guilt feelings >.<

Anyhow, thanks a real lot! I guess I'll wait sometime and... Hope I don't annoy you guys with more questions that might pop out now and then
And yeah... Just see what I can do.

[azulai]

Hi and welcome, Bosil! mile:

I think sexuality is more fluid than some people like to preach. It is difficult growing up in a world of expectations and you experience attractions and feelings that go against the norms. So, you have to explore and examine your truths and determine how you want to live your life, what kind of person you want to be.

Just to use myself as an example, I'm on the far end of the spectrum. I'm attracted to the male form; I find masculinity a turn on, and it's intrinsic to my nature. I do find some women beautiful but I have no desire to see them naked or get into any kind of physical/sexual situation with one.

I think we all start thinking/exploring in terms of physical attractions, BUT, I really have to stress that being gay for me is not about gay sex but about whom I emotionally connect with and love. There is an emotional level that I get with a guy that I cannot achieve with a girl.

So if I were you, I would definitely take some time and explore as a free man. I have a huge problem with men getting married knowing they have these feelings, or having a girlfriend for cover, or using a gay guy to get their rocks off. Figure it out first before someone shares dreams with you.

Be honest if you are just looking for a hookup. Herpes, genital warts, hepatitis B and C, and HIV are real, so always play safe.

To me, emotional fidelity is EQUALLY important as PHYSICAL fidelity in a relationship. So, if you say you are in a relationship with this girl, honor that commitment, or discuss your feelings with her, or ask for an OPEN relationship, or break it off. Stop doing shit behind her back.

[zeon]

Hello there,
To me it sounds like your curious and a bit confused... Your guilt of your long distance relationship is holding the guilt... See it like this... Its better to experiement than to continue in life denying yourself something... It may make you realise that same sex relationship is what your after. Unless your close in the relationship i would say try things of curisoity and let your fate take its path i have been stuck and confused when younger but as i got older i realised women wasnty for me

Kindest regards

zeonj x

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Actually yes this has been posted before. Not only here at this forum but at many forums across the internet.

Sure the stories differ slightly, the names and dates and places are changed, the details are slightly different, but the underlying 'frustration' of coming to grips with ones sexuality in a world that has some firmly set concepts about what sex and sexuality is about (often skewed concepts at that) is common. Way common, so common as to make you painfully, acutely 'normal'.

That guilt you are feeling is largely due to the fact that society has painted a very narrow path in life for you. You were programed as soon as you popped out of mum's belly too be a boy. Your nursery was most likely blue, you were most likely handed a football, your hair was kept short and the programing of what it is to be 'male' was started.

On top of that, Mum and Da had your life figured out. A variation of 'My Son will grow up, go to university, find a nice little lady, marry and present us with grandchildren and live happily ever after' That was their plan and they programmed that into you, adding to it that real men don't cry, real men don't fear, real men are X,Y,Z and that straight is the only available option for you in life.

THIS is what you are struggling against. 18 years of programming not only by your parents but by society at large.

Did you cheat - Yes you cheated on your GF. That is wrong regardless of your sexual identity. she most likely is expecting full 100% monogamy from you, and no matter who you have sex with bet it webcam or virtual or real you are having sex with someone else, thus breaking that sense of monogamy.

It is ok to be single and experiment. You do not need to tell everyone that you think you maybe bi/gay/straight. In reality it isn't a matter of public record how you swing. It DOES matter if you hurt people along the way.

If you can not 100% fully commit to this girl be it with other men or other girls, then you need to 'man-up' and let her go.

You are 18 - you are young,full of wild oats to sow. You are going to make mistakes - many of them - how large and how often depends on how many of those mistakes you have learned from others.

I will simplify this for you. You are NOT straight. If you can fantasize about being with a man then you are not Straight. Bi - Maybe, Gay - maybe but definitely not straight.

IF you are bi, then when you do have a partner they should be informed that you are bi in order for them to decide if the risks are worth the effort to throw into a relationship.

If you are gay and dating men and they know you are gay, then they only worry about you being around other guys. If you are straight and they know you are straight, then they only worry about you being around other women. If you are bi, then the person has to worry about both genders.

And no matter who you are, there is always some bit of worry there. That too is perfectly human and natural. Thus knowing if your partner is bi, gay, straight whatever is needed so a personal can reasonably assess if they are able (no so much willing - there is a difference) able to 'deal with' the potentials.

[Bosil]

Sorry for the late reply... I've been having a small shortage of time, I think.. :L

Well, thanks for the replies!
And yes, I do completely agree with that emotional fidelity is equally important as physical... It's what had me struggling. And yes, Browyn Aerrow, you've made me think... And I'm sorry to say this (I don't like to go against people... :/) but I am not really raised that way. I've been raised only with my mother (Dad died in '96), and she has always been very open minded and liberalist; that being said, I have never had any "Boys do this, girls do that"-education from my mother, neither my brothers.

But yes, I do blame society mostly for making me see it that way, but I've been able to take my own stance and have my own thoughs regarding sexuality, which are more towards what Azulai explained.

And after thinking these last days, I think I'll just commit myself to my girl... I am stable that way, and I am the kind of person who needs a stable ground, or else I completely freak out and end up like a headless chicken... Weird analogy.

Well, that's pretty much everything that's in my thoughts right now... >.< But thanks a lot to everyone for the advices.

[princealbertofb]

Bosil, concerning your issues with your girlfriend, a lot of men who are gay feel very close to female friends and can indeed feel very connected romantically and want to help when these friends are in need of a good ear and a good shoulder to cry on. As I mentioned before, you may be bisexual, or you may even be gay but not know it yet... The reason I'm telling you this is because my partner, who was once married and got married at the early age of 19, thought he would be a good companion to his wife whom, he thought, was illtreated by her family. He wanted to save her from that.
He saw marrying her as a way to get her away from her estranged family. Doing this, he failed to recognise the fact that he was gay for years and years. It only dawned upon him that he was when he fell in love with a man at 43 years old.
The point I'm trying to make is that we shouldn't let our hearts and minds fool us about who we really are, just going from what we know and what society will let us know. Experience will be your best yardstick for future action and decision making.
Yes, it will be hard for your girlfriend to take the news if you are gay, but it will be more honest to yourself and to her ultimately, if you find out that you ARE indeed more inclined to live your life with another man.