trying to hold on

[pellaz]

Life is not always pointed on the way up. Rather it takes its own path, sometimes controlled by others and there is nothing you can do. Please be more understanding. You are doing all you can to improve your self, just let it happen.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Suicide isn't the answer. I tried that route, it didn't work out well.

Owing to how on 30 December 1994 I committed suicide being on the wrong drug for my SAD (antidepressants only compounded the matter) I can understand a reluctance to use mind altering substances - even if they are prescribed by Doctor.

Um yes, I committed suicide, meaning I was successful at it. Just Emergency Room Doctors were a tad bit more successful at resuscitating me - twice, and countering the high doses of that antidepressant and other 'stuff'.

Damn meddlesome doctors and nurses are able to revive the dead.

I was 28 and had spent years struggling with 'depression'. I was diagnosed as having chronic depression and the psychiatrist who saw me saw me for 15 minutes and prescribed one of the antidepressants that were popular back then. I was misdiagnosed and mistreated. After that I was diagnosed as manic depressive since the new psychiatrist spent about 20 minutes with me and actually listed to half of my answers, but instead of just throwing me on a new medication (a mood leveler) she insisted that I go for a full psychological work up with a therapist.

That therapist spent 4-5 sessions with me (each an hour long) and ran me through psychological tests and actually asked the right questions and listened to my answers to discern that my issue was seasonal - she is the one that introduced me to light therapy and pretty much 'fixed' the unfixable. I now know I have SAD (seasonal affected disorder) and my therapy is light and a few other things that are non-drug related. I manage my condition.

After my death, I spent three days in the psych ward under mandatory 72 hour hold. I lied through my teeth to get out of there. But then I knew what I was dealing with since I worked with others who has 'mental health issues' so I knew the right words to say in order to escape. Many suicide attempts are not so lucky, they get held longer and put through more 'stress'.

An attempt on your own life with meddlesome doctors able and more than willing to revive your corpse and force you to continue this horrible existence we call life is far, far, far worse than merely being depressed. The real horror comes when all of those family and friends find out that you are spending 72 hours under Psychiatric Evaluation for attempting suicide. Then you get to spend several years with them treating you like a China Doll, having them ask you over and over again like a broken record 'Are you OK?'.

They will watch you closely, follow you around, and always be wondering if you are thinking or about to do it again. You think you are under stress now? Wait until everyone in your life knows you like to kill yourself, they will be lurking everywhere and getting into everything in your life to prevent another so called 'attempt'.

You go from wanting to commit suicide because you are depressed to wanting to commit suicide to escape their constant nagging.

Then you get to find out how much your life affects those around you. You get to find out that the doctor who revived you thought you would be her first patient she lost to Mr. Death. You get to find out that your neighbor who relied on you for so many little, inconsequential things spent three days alone and was suffering. You find out that your real friends feel guilty, they know that they caused it - no matter how much you tell them it wasn't them.

You will lose a lot of friends over dying. More than a few will leave because you are a 'mental case' a 'nut-job' a 'wing nut', 'crazy', 'insane' - a couple may scream it to your face, the most will only air their opinion to the rest of the folk around you. The others will leave because they can't handle the responsibility of keeping you alive. Its too scary for them to risk your committing suicide again.

There are other consequences depending on the type of person you are and your belief system.

The two years after my death where hell on earth for me. I struggled day in and day out just to live. For years I had casually used drugs - a weekend warrior, that was about to change as I was laid off from work a little over a month after my job. It didn't help to know that everyone that worked at the place I worked had also been laid-off (the company closed up shop). I figured it was retribution for my committing suicide. God punishes all you see.

I went from weekend warrior to full time meth addict in about the span of a month. I went to fully self medicating my problems away. So I didn't actually see a therapist and get help and apply that help and things got better, I went the long painful route of going from straight forward suicide to slow suicide and other creative self destructive behaviors.

I got to the point where I could slam a full gram of speed and keep on walking. For 'normal' meth addicts 1/4 gram makes them sit down, a full gram lays them out on the floor in convulsions. But then I was using several days in a row before crashing, building up a hefty tolerance and always aiming for a higher high, a more screaming rush.

Back then I was proud of this accomplishment, a two syringe 'slam' to impress my other druggy buddies who were 'impressed'. Well I do tend to not think about the 'kid' who attempted the same thing, being so impressed with me and the idea. He ended up going head over heels and ended up in hospital for a few days ODing on meth. I was so proud of myself back then.

Consequences - there are always consequences. What we do affects others, be it something nice or be it something bad. Sure we may not be targeting others with our self destructive behavior(s), but ultimately many are thrown under the wheels of the train-wreck you make of your life.

Right now you are suffering the consequences of your silence. I'm willing to bet that your sully silence, your internalized sadness has affected those around you. Since you obviously come from a family that teaches silence over truth, I have to wonder at what goes through the head of your mother, father, siblings - are they slowly being pushed to depression themselves because you, as a depressed person, are bulldozing their emotions under as you push forward in your 'depressed state'?

Sure there is a chance that you will commit suicide and not have meddlesome ER doctors around to revive you and keep that old body going. But there is the other side to that coin where you are a partial success and either end up dealing with the wreckage of being dead and alive at the same time and getting to see all of those people who are around you suffer. Or worse.

Many suicides end up doing permanent damage. Brain damage is common - and we are not talking just a minor loss of memory we are talking about drooling idiots who are unable to control their bodily functions and are AWARE of the damage they have done. We are talking more than a few cases of full onset vegetative state where we ain't sure the person isn't trapped inside their body screaming for the rest of their life.

People have jumped off high structures and have lived, granted in a wheel chair or on machines since they severed their spinal cord.... but they lived. People have put a firearm to their head and put a bullet into the brain only to cut out some minor functionality, such as the ability to to talk, or the ability to control their body.

Even jumping of a bridge isn't 100% successful: http://listverse.com/2008/10/14/10-extre...survivors/

So, here is what I would like for you to do. I'm not going to force you and you can make whatever mistakes you like. I would prefer for you to it differently.

1. Don't make the same mistakes I made - you do not need to make them, I already went that route.

2. Get a therapist - a psychologist to evaluate you and work with you at least 4 sessions to determine if you need drugs.

You might only need therapy. No drugs needed. You might need to only use the psychological tools a psychologist can teach you to manage your condition.

3. If you need drugs, get them. Use them as prescribed and work with that therapist as you are on them. Report every single side effect, from twitchy left eyelid to feeling worse not just to the psychiatrist who is prescribing but to that therapist as well.

Since you state that money is a concern, there are programs in the state of Virgina (I assume VA means Virgina) that have both free and sliding scale health care.

http://www.vhcf.org/ is one

Instead of googling methods to kill yourself, try gooling 'free health care ____________ Virgina' where the blank is where you live, city, town, county.

http://www.google.com/webhp?hl=en#hl=en&...34&bih=605 IS for the whole state - plenty of sites.

[pellaz]

drugs
important to keep the dose consistent and in line with the desired effects.

[zeon]

hello,
I did make a thread about depression and how it can affect those of us on here... Its something that when we are aware of it we can deal with it as an indivudual and as a community... l would maybe suggesting that you provide some ME time. Of course the obvious thing is not to allow the road of suicide to happen because if you think about life as a starter course.... You were ment to be living as once upon a time as a little egg amongst loads of others you had been granted the right to be born and raised as an indivudal... Life is too short to cut shorter.. I tghink if you draw up goals over the next five years where you want to be then arrange the pieces in easy to hardest and slowly conqurer them one by one but set yourself that time limit to getting yourself happy

klindest regards

zeon x

[Nick9]

God... Thank you Bowyn Aerrow for taking time to write about your experience. I can only assume that it wasn't easy to go back in your memory.

I wish someone had written those things for me when I planned how to do it and when exatly. I remember, I wasn't thinking about my family at all. My brain didn't work that way at those dark moments.

I am going to save your post to my laptop just to be sure, but I hope that I will never need to read it again.

[ceez]

thanks guys, and I really am going to look into professional help, I pretty much cried myself to sleep last night. Bowyn your story got me thinking about all of those consequences that comes with suicide, I know that it would hurt the people that really care about me. I think I'll do the same as nick9 and save your post on my computer.

@Jay, my job can be very stressful and its not a decent job at all. I get embarrassed when someone asks me about it. I've been working there for 10 years and tried to find other jobs over and over again, but after all the interviews I've been on I haven't been able to leave that place. It's the type of working environment where everyone puts the workload on you while they set back and do nothing all day. when I called around to different colleges a while back and the student reps asked me where I worked, two of them laughed at me on the phone.

as for doing chores to get my family off my back, they are either not satisfied with what I've done or have surprise chores that I'm supposed to drop everything and do.
but I'm hoping when I have a new job and move away most of this will go away, I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life.

[iPromise]

Ceez, depression is so complex there's various types of depression and there's help for it whatever type you have. Everyone have already give you great ideas and suggestions to seek out help, honestly go get the help regardless of money or not, you need to get help now especially after what you've tried already.

I'm sure there's programs out there that can help you in your state.

But buddy, suicide isn't the way, it's never the way. I've thought of suicide several times, never tired it, but life will get better, you just need to be around and see for yourself. :/ given your circumstances I can see how difficult it may be for you to live through all of this. But talk to your sister when your comfortable, or talk to someone in person.

The great thing about seeing a psychologist is your information is confidential, no one will ever know unless you sign off on it. Please see a psychologist and get the help you need.

[James]

Ceez, by now you can see that you are not walking the path alone, that many here care enough to walk your path with you so you are never alone, post often, let us know how you are doing, talk to any of us here if you are feeling down, that's what a community of friends is for, James

[Nick9]

Ceez, that's great that you are willing to look for professional help! I was never able to do it.
You are not alone in this! If your RL sucks right now, create alternative world here or at another board. If you let it, it this virtual world can get as important to you than the "real one." I admit I have more virtual frieds than the "real" ones and I don't mind. Over the years those virtual friends have got pretty real and important.

I remember I had a sort of deadline. I had concert tickets for September last year. And one day in July I thought: I need to wait till September. I have never let the guys from the band know, how big role they played...

The friend then told me: there will be a lot more Septembers for you to enjoy, if you stay.

Ceez, I hope you will find your Septembers in everyday little things. I know that it can get nearly impossible in those moments. Some people told me, go shopping, buy something nice for yourself. It's hard to explain that if you don't see any reason to get up from bed, you can hardly find joy in shopping.
Don't let advices like that beat you down. They just don't know and they try to help because they care about you.
Even if the advice you get seems to miss the point, take it as a prove that people do care about you and you would be missed.
I know there are a lot of Septembers waiting for you and you are not alone in this. I know my words can seem to be silly too. But I spent yesterday evening thinking about how you were doing.
Hang in there, bb.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

God... Thank you Bowyn Aerrow for taking time to write about your experience. I can only assume that it wasn't easy to go back in your memory.

I wish someone had written those things for me when I planned how to do it and when exatly. I remember, I wasn't thinking about my family at all. My brain didn't work that way at those dark moments.

I am going to save your post to my laptop just to be sure, but I hope that I will never need to read it again.

Your welcome.

I have actually shared my story so many times that its not that hard to talk about it.

My brain definitely wasn't thinking about the 'wreckage' my death or my attempted death would leave behind. Most of us who reach that point where the final solution is a viable option lose all sight of all of that other stuff.

As such I have tended to share my own personal experience with those who contemplate it seriously as to hopefully cause them to reconsider.