Why doesn't my partner want to have sex? How can I make him want it more?

[Ace]

I'm 33, gay and married to a wonderful man. He is the loveliest creature on the planet, and I love him deeply. We have sex 2-3 times a week on average, and I would love to do it more often. I wouldn't mind doing it every day. My partner is very flirtatious and charming, but he is often holding back sex. Sometimes he says he is not in the mood. But many times he says he is not in the mood, it looks like he is in the mood, but he doesn't want to admit it. He loves to tease me and he makes me work extra hard for sex. He's quite wild in the bedroom, if I just get to "conquer" him. I have had this fantasy of tieing him to the bed (hands and feet) and covering his eyes (and then lick him all over), but he doesn't want that. Is there any way I can make him want that? Why wouldn't he give it a try?

I am 100% sure my partner isn't cheating. He isn't holding back kisses and cuddling. He is only holding back sex. I've been worrying a lot lately if I'm not pleasing him sexually. We don't practice anal sex, and none of us like it.

How come I have so much more sex drive than my partner? How can I convince him to have more sex? How can I know what I am doing wrong that makes him refuse me?

[pellaz]

How come I have so much more sex drive than my partner? How can I convince him to have more sex? How can I know what I am doing wrong that makes him refuse me?

maybe make it easier for him. Have towels, lube whatever right there next to the bed, wear less clothing to bed. Take a shower before going to bed, invite him into the shower.

only way is to talk about it, trust and communication are essential.

We have sex 2-3 times a week on average.
maybe this is average?

[zeon]

Helllo,
With regards to sex drives everyone has different levels of sexual drives. Some people like it a few times a day all days odf the week and others like it once a month or year... Best thing to do is respect his drive to how he is comfortable with... Pressuring him to have sex more often for your pleasing can in a way account as domestic abuse if he says no and u say yes.. This i didnt realise until i recently visited my local police station about something...
Maybe if you sat down with him and planned out days that sex will fall on like for example if he has it three times a week say Mon wed fri sex days the rest rest days... Of course sex is a part of a relationship that keeps it healthy and alive however its not the end without sex... With regards to fantasies if you wish to0 tie him up make sure it isnt done so tight he cannot get out of it because at any point if he wishes to end the session with you from a comfort thing you need to remember he has the right to and dont allow the fantasy to run away with your imagenation...

Now to spice it up why not try sharing a bath and have fun together in the tub? Why not stick down some laminated sheets on the floor and cover it in lube having a little play wrestle as this would make ya giggle probably and may open up windows of oppetunity

Kindest regards

z\eon x

p.s welcome to the forum

[matty7]

i agree with zeon on this - prob a sex drive thing...yours is high so just remember that his isnt, you do have sex so its not like he doesnt love you because he loves to kiss n cuddle but he has a lower drive than u and i doubt if there's a way to change that in any significant way - without trying to be nosey, some medications can lower sex drive, is that a factor ? just an idea

[zeon]

I would also like to ask on another note for relationship advice... How do you both sleep?? Sleeping in the foteal position with back to back can actually be damaging a relationship as its a negative pose... Specialists in relationships recommend that a couple face each other as they sleep... If one sleeps with his or her back to the other with the other facing this is also acceptable however it can be ment alot more if sleeping with linked hands.. Things that are non sexual in a relationship may also be present in his lacking off sex drive and if recognised on the negatives and put into a positive it may have a better effect on his mood as well... Most of our communication we do as people is body language and very little is language so from a psychological aspect never cross your arms!

[princealbertofb]

I'm 33, gay and married to a wonderful man. He is the loveliest creature on the planet, and I love him deeply. We have sex 2-3 times a week on average, and I would love to do it more often. I wouldn't mind doing it every day. My partner is very flirtatious and charming, but he is often holding back sex. Sometimes he says he is not in the mood. But many times he says he is not in the mood, it looks like he is in the mood, but he doesn't want to admit it. He loves to tease me and he makes me work extra hard for sex. He's quite wild in the bedroom, if I just get to "conquer" him. I have had this fantasy of tieing him to the bed (hands and feet) and covering his eyes (and then lick him all over), but he doesn't want that. Is there any way I can make him want that? Why wouldn't he give it a try?

I am 100% sure my partner isn't cheating. He isn't holding back kisses and cuddling. He is only holding back sex. I've been worrying a lot lately if I'm not pleasing him sexually. We don't practice anal sex, and none of us like it.

How come I have so much more sex drive than my partner? How can I convince him to have more sex? How can I know what I am doing wrong that makes him refuse me?

Ace, I think you should sit your man down and have a talk with him. It is quite possible for two people to have very different sex drives. As Matty mentioned, sometimes a lower sex drive comes from being on certain medications, such as antidepressants, to name one possible source.

I'm not sure that you can impose your fantasy on anyone, especially if it's a rather specific fantasy like tying someone up. I don't think I'd try this one out unless you were both consenting. Being tied up can be a very unpleasant feeling for some people, I guess. Maybe you need to question him on why he doesn't want to be tied up... Would you be ready to be tied up like this? Maybe he'll agree to try having sex with you while you're tied up... Would you? This again, ought to be talk about, maybe ahead of time... Something along the lines of: "How would you feel about tying me up and licking me all over?" should get you the sort of answer that you are looking for to go ahead with it but if he still refuses, it may be because he sees it as degrading or because there is some sort of fear about that fantasy. You can't make him if he doesn't want to and breaking that rule would certainly break the trust that is between you, so I would not advise doing it to him when he was not aware of it.

I think, if you believe that he's holding back on sex, maybe you could tell him that's how you feel. I can't quite understand why he would be holding back, if you both wanted it. Maybe he genuinely prefers the snuggling and tenderness to the actual act of sex. Or maybe he's a bit of a control freak and likes to keep you begging; Maybe it's just a game? Maybe he's not processed what vitality there is in unleashing his sexual self... May I ask how old your boyfriend is, and whether there is an age difference?

As for doing anything wrong, maybe you aren't doing anything wrong. Maybe your husband sees nothing wrong with the way you treat him sexually. What makes you say or think that you aren't pleasuring him enough or correctly? I would suggest that you make it clear to him that you would be willing to try some new stuff with him if he had certain fantasies. Have you tried watching porn together and discussing what you both find hot and arousing? You might ask him if he'd like you to do some of the things you see in porn to him (or you might read this out of a book like the Guide of Sex for gay men). Are you two, both into sex toys, if you are not into anal sex?

I think that if you were to drop a few hints about more sex, he might catch on to them... something like reading up on what could make your sex life more inventive and thrilling. Have a book about gay sex by the bedside and read it. He'll probably want to know what you're discovering by reading this. Would you say that 'wild' means inventive when it comes to sex with your boyfriend or does it just mean energetic?
These are all the aspects of this question that I can think about for the moment. Take care in the meantime, and try to appreciate what you've already got.

[Eromir]

Seems like you are worried about your partner not having exactly the same sexual preferences as you do. Have you considered adjusting to him instead of making him sex-crazed for you? Sound like you are not dissatisfied quality, but only with the frequency.

Refusing sex doesn't have to mean anything. Even holding out is not necessarily bad. I have made up a schedule with my partner that allows us time to miss each other and it's just amazing every time we meet.

His sex drive could be lower than yours for a number of reasons that have nothing to do with you - stress at work, his natural hormone levels, age, weight, diet, social background and whatnot. Most likely there is nothing wrong at all and it's just the way he is.

As for the tying up thing - you could just ask him to remain still while doing whatever you want to do to him or try to holding him down gently(with emphasis on gently) while making out and see how he reacts to that. Yah, not as kinky, but it's a start.

I know, it's not the advice you asked for, but that's just my point of view.

Hope this won't turn into a double post, my last one kinda got lost. :/

[Bowyn Aerrow]

You said your married.

Understand what marriage means. It means same sex marriage, its the same sex, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after decade - until death do you part.

Wait until you hit the years were neither of you can stand looking at each other let alone want to put your dick inside of that 'thing'. then there will be other years were you will be like teenagers and rekindle the lust to the point where you will be going at it like rabbits.

More often than not one of you will be in the mood, while the other isn't.

Real life, jobs, financial stresses, illness, responsibility will drain one or both of you to the point where sex takes a back seat to everything else.

Having sex 2-3 times a week is a good thing, most couples end up having an obligatory Friday night slam bang with all of the passion that implies (next to none).

Thanks for sharing your fantasy. Unfortunately you are sharing it to the wrong person/people. This is something you need to share with him.

Relationships where neither couple or both are unable or too shy to discuss sexuality and their desires/wants end up full of resentments and those resentments lead to divorce court.

Talk to your partner, not us, about your needs.

But again, 2-3 times a week is doing pretty darn good considering the average couple.

[Nick9]

Hi Ace,
I like what Bowyn Aerrow said.
As for your fantasy... I have that fantasy too - me being tied up. BUT at the same time, I am terrified that someone would actually do that. Loosing control, loosing ability to defend myself etc. I am sure I would freak out.

Try to ask him to keep his eyes closed or to keep his hands under his pillow. These are things he can do willingly.

Give him space, don't show him that you want to have sex every day. This could have opposite effect on him. He may want to avoid cuddling etc then, because he would be afraid that you would want more. Then he will have to say no, you will be hurt, he will feel bad...