What to do?

[ric]

Hey,

Just wanted your opinions on this one.

I'm 22 and very straight acting, no one would really know I'm gay unless I told them. Which I havn't, because I'm not at all too happy with the idea. I would hate anyone to know, I don't know why. I have great friends and collegues and I know they wouldn't care, anyone who did isn't worth knowing anyway. But still, I would be so embarressed if people knew.

Anyway, the point is i'm finding it really difficult to get into a relationship. I'm not the kind of person who just wants sex or a can just 'hook up'. I want to get to know people first!

Anyway, I don't want to 'go on the scene' locally because I don't want it getting back to my collegues. (owner of our local pub is gay so....)

I tried going on the scene in London (by myself, don't know anyone who would go with me!!!) but it really isn't for me. I just got hit on all the time, and the whole thing was just too effeminate for me!

I've tried websites such as gaydar, but the people I like never bother replying, and the few people I've added to MSN just want rude pictures or to meet up for a one night stand. I did meet one guy who was in a similar situation (online) and we had a good chat. Only he suddenly started ignoring me.

So I don't know. How can I get to meet and to know people without going to such a promiscuous environment. Anyone else feel the same?

I want to meet like minded people but I don't think the bars would be the best place?

Best regards
Rich

[Mark]

:biggrin: Aha im kinda in the same position in the way.. I dont really know where to meet guys, sometimes it just happens? Im not a fan of gay bars so...

Internet is an awesome place to chat to like minded people. I guess you have to take it slow, normally the best ones come out of no where :biggrin:

Look forward to chatting more xx

[Shadow]

Hey babe, welcome to Gayspeak mile:.

Twazzle is right when he says that the internet is a great tool for getting to know people without the face-to-face element, so it's a fantastic way of making mates in a very unpressured environment, and that can serve as a very valid base from which to work at things ... or it can be a recipe for disaster ... depends.

Whilst I can understand what you're saying and I do have a degree of empathy for you, my initial feelings about your situation are that you're hampering your own prospects by harbouring feelings of inadequacy about the coming out process. If it's just not for you then that's absolutely fine, but it was this sentence that jarred me when I read it :-

But still, I would be so embarressed if people knew.

THAT is something I think you would be well advised to try and work on, because ultimately it IS going to happen if you're dating somebody ... so even if you can just get to a point where you're somewhat apathetic to it (and you may find that comes only after you're in a relationship - it all depends on the person), then you'll be better served for that mentality I guarantee you.

Being in a relationship and worrying about people finding out you're a homo (which, believe it or not, one of my straight mates had a go at me for using as a word the other day - I was like ... wtf !?!?!) is going to put you under a LOT of pressure ....... but I appreciate that wasn't your question, so !

To that !!

I've never had a problem meeting people online and deciding for myself whether I wanted to meet them in real life - I've already made a number of contacts on Gayspeak, for example, and some of them I'd very much like to meet should the opportunity present itself, for no other reason than because I like them mile:.

Sites like Gaydar function very much as a honeytrap which is why you get a lot of sh!theads circulating around ... but for every dozen-or-so sex-crazed players, you'll find a couple of really nice, genuine lads that are trying to meet people for other things ... coffee, friendship, like-minded banter, romance, who knows ...

I met my boyfriend on Gaydar, and he's AMAZING - I love him :biggrin:.

And you've already met at least TWO potential new friends already today - Twazzle and myself ... and he's lovely bless him.

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[Gay]

Hola ric!

I can absolutely understand where you're coming from. It's the situation I find myself in whenever I'm single.

If I DID split with my boyfriend now, I'd honestly be screwed, because to my mind, there are so few other options. And it worries me.

My best advice - or the advice that has seen ME through - is to just focus on what you have, and live for each day. Find ways to take your mind off 'how to meet other gay people', and live for the moment.

The best things happen when you're least expecting them, so just try not to build it up so much.

Take some time and seriously consider telling a few friends... You'd be amazed at how much confidence it can bring, and how many doors it sometimes opens.

Above all, keep confidence in yourself. You've done fine so far, you'll carry on doing fine.

Good luck Mister.

x x x

[spotysocks]

Hey Rich!

Well... i empathize with you in everything you say or if empathize is not the right word to use because i ve been where you are before i take a deep breath and dive to ... the unknown consequences of coming out , at least i can say i understand how you feel.
Perhaps you choose to see the negative things of being gay and you worry about what other will think. Even though you say that who wont be ok with you being gay doesnt worth knowing still bothers you and hold you back?

Being in a relationship that will work you need first of all to be comfortable in your own skin and sexuality.
Imo people who are not out or they are married wont choose to have a relationship with anyone , most are after the occasional fun and people who are out and want a relationship wont be exactly interested in having a relationship with someone who is closeted or embarrassed .
If you are gay and lucky to be in a country that wont decapitate you for it then when you are ready take the best possible steps to come out and free your self from taboos, misconceptions and fears.
In your own time of course, never force anything, it took long to do it myself so i know.

Be accepting of everyone and keep an open mind will make you new friends. And even if you are not attracted to them most relationships happen from someone that one meets from a friend. You will like this forum if you stick around, its a good place to establish friendships.

to the forum btw!!

[Michael]

Boy, Spotysocks is reading my mind tonight!


first off, as well, welcome to the forum. I have to agree with spotysocks and Shadow (although he was trying to side step the issue.) Half of your issues are issues you have because you are still fighting being gay. A lot of people, myself included back in those dusty old days, when we first come out try to fit ouselves into this odd kind of mold: "I'll continue pretending and living like a straight person who just likes sex with men. It's no different really...blah, blah."

The thing we all find out eventually is that being gay IS different in hundreds of ways from being straight.....and it's just something we all eventually have to deal with. Some is the same, but believe me, there is a huge difference being with and around men than with women...Fact. At some point you're going to have to bite the bullet and just get over it and al the rest. You are who and what you are. Didn't choose it, might not LIKE it, but it is what it is. End of story.

But that doesn't man you have to jump head first into everything. Straight people don't all like the same things and neither do gays. Some like this, some like that, some of us like bits and pieces and so on. If you're not ready for The Scene (god I hate that phrase), there are lots of things you can do instead of dancing or going to a bar (which I assume is what you mea by scene). Sporting groups, hobby groups, gaming groups..... whatever you like to do there is a gay group that most likely does it in a less sexually charged atmosphere than one where people go mostly to hook up. Don't blame them by the way, they are not the ones lost there, you are, as they say, looking for love in all the wrong places. Or at the least, haven't yet learned the language. ;-)

So go online and find yourself a group or organization that has something besides sex as the main subject and you'll have a better chance meeting someone first....and the sex part second.

Of course none of that will help your main problem which is the possibility that someone, somewhere might see you. But honstly, the sooner you get over that the better. Like spotysocks said, there are going to be very few gay men willing to put up with hiding in the closet and dealing with a lot of the issues you mentioned to begin with.

Good luck,
Michael

[ric]

Thanks for all your help, very usefull.

Yeah your all right I suppose. I will deal with things in my own time. I'll just carry on living life until something comes up.

Cheers.

Incidently why can I not see this post on the general advice board? I have to search for my username. In fact, the board isn't updating at all and I can't see any new posts???

[spotysocks]

You are very welcome , we try to give the best advice we can.

Can i say though that coming out doesnt have to be like a big big thing ... You dont have to call your friends to tell them just that. Instead choose who you can share this info with and find out their opinion on gay people.
When the conversation is there or you can bring it your self can say your opinion on homosexuality that i.e. 'you dont find it wrong and when you see someone sexy you can find him attractive . Can only admire beauty and is not a big deal, would you have a problem with that mate?'. Simple and in a very casual way. No need to make a statement out of this.

In the mean time try to make friends with other gay people preferably not in Southampton to make you feel safer and see that being gay is not that bad . There are all kind of people who are gay , you wont like or get on with them all but accept them and see where you fit because i am sure you will fit with some . Just dont have many prejudices , its quite common to do and you should avoid it.

The posts are in an alphabetical order that is why you can see on the board. I know it has to change.. it will when the admin see it i guess. there are no new posts to display in the main page at the moment.

[swim73088]

can def relate to this...i live in central London and the whole "scene" as they say is very much about one night stands. i really cannot stand effeminate men that screw everything that moves and give you the "fuck me or stop fucking looking at me" look. I am not out and have never really pursued this myself but I live close to Soho and see it all the time.

i swim for a few teams at university and have even practiced with an exclusively gay team once by accident because I went to the wrong practice (they didn't know I was gay...i just told them i wanted to fit in a workout and they were actually very welcoming). its just they were all sooooo effeminate and touchy feely to the point that it made ME ( a gay male) uncomfortable so I cannot imagine how a straight guy must feel.

I am attracted to normal guys who are not overly masculine but certainly not overtly effeminate either. Are their really so few of them out there?

[Mark]

Spoty Gayspeak never works for me, it doesnt show when new updates occur???

Anyway back to topic, Yeh go with the flow :biggrin:

and aww shadow -BLUSH