Hoping to benefit from your experience...

[heavencanwait]

Hello, I'm new to the site and thought I'd start off by asking for some advice. i can give something back next.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a dilemma. 8 long months ago, I split up with my boyfriend (admittedly of only 3 weeks) to enter into a relationship with my best friend, a girl. She offered to make me a father, something I have wanted to be for a long time, and I agreed.

I decided at the time, that Sacrificing my sexuality (literally my sex life) would be something that i could do in return for the family that I have always wanted. My decision was advanced by the fact that i wass taking anti-depressants (fluoxatine/prozak), which kill your sex drive. At the time, it seemed like a sensible decision. Begin a life with a person that i love very much, and have a family. I thought it would be easy.

I'm sad to say that it has not been easy. although I love her very much, enjoy her company and miss her when she's away, I just don't feel that i am in love. Our sex life is non-existent, as I am incapable (surprise surprise) to perform.

She knows that i am gay, and loves me so hard despite it (maybe partly because of it). She knows that I am not attracted to her, but knows that i love her. She seriously thinks we will marry and have kids.

I've recently come to a realisation. I entered into this relationship because she offered me the one thing I want above all else - kids. But if I continue as I've been doing, I'll be making babies from greed, not from love. And it has to end.


I simply have to return to my gay life, my true existence. And my dilemma is thus. How can I split up with her, when she has given up her home, job, furniture and dog (I am such a wanker) to come and live with me?

I just don't know where to begin.

Have any of you ever been in such a situation? Or could you lend some advice? Any help will be gratefully recieved.

[Shadow]

Ok, first thing's first, welcome to the site ... and don't worry - we don't exchange information and resources on the basis that we'll have it returned - if you only ever asked questions of us, you'd still be welcome here, so it's no worries xx

Now, as for your situation, it sounds to me like your best friend really (i.e. desperately) wants to be in a relationship with you, and that she has (yes) sacrificed a lot to be able to make it work, but she has also drawn you into it by dealing you a card that she must have felt quite confident would be alluring to you - i.e. that of having a family, and settling down.

That she knows you're gay means that she MUST (surely) already have a reasonable appreciation that the longer-term prospects for your mutual happiness are slim at best, as your sexual preferences (which she MUST have known would resurface when you came off your anti-depressants) are at perfect odds with her own.

Therefore, whilst I can see what you're saying and you obviously feel guilty about what she's sacrificed, ask yourself, hand-on-heart, whether you've led her on, or whether she's at least partially to blame as well ... IF, in fact, blame must be apportioned, which I don't think it needs to ...

It is important, I feel, for you to be able to take stock (as you already have for the mostpart), square up to yourself in the mirror and say "THIS is how I feel, THIS is what I want, and THIS is what must be done, for BOTH our sakes".

If you both want a child (together or separate) then there are ways ... and ways which don't involve your having to bind yourself to a life you know that, deep down, you won't be happy with ...

It's not to say there's anything wrong with you OR her ... just that things don't always work out the way we plan, and that is a natural part of life ...

It's not ALL doom and gloom however, as you have already identified that which would make you happier, so you've got a decent standpoint from which to make steps ... and we can help you if you want to keep talking to us about it mile:.

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[Michael]

Wow.... Since you already know what a mess you've made of things I suppose we don't have to cover that territory. ;-)

It doesn't say if she HAS given you a child yet, but I'm guessing not or you would have said. So TOUGH LOVE time. You already know what you need to do, you're just letting your guilt of all she has done to get to this point get in the way.

But you need to look at the long term picture here. NO GOOD will ever come of this as it is. the only thing you can possibly do is manage to hurt her more when down the line you have to leave her AND her child, and all the pain and heartache that will cause all three of you. She knows you're gay but somehow you/she have managed to lull her into this fantasy that ..somehow that doesn't matter. Yo KNOW it matters and at some point she'll figure it out as well, and then she'll BLAME you for that as well. Love is a tricky thing some times.

She deserves SO much better than this and so do you. IF you two could manage a child together being best friends and in an OPEN and HONEST way, AS friends, then maybe work out having a baby for the both of you.

BUT....

It sounds to me like she is in love with you and is hoping, hoping that somehow if she believes enough or gives you a baby that will tie you to her/them. You know better already. She might even fool herself enough right now into believing it is enough, but it will never be. You can't give her the whole package.

Be fare to her, let her find her big love to make a family with. Nothing she has given up moving in with you will compare to the pain of what is coming down the road will cause her if you don't stop this now.

This is just wrong on so many levels. To you, to her, to the baby that isn't even here yet. Like I said, if you two were in a more honest place this might have been able to work. Two friends making a baby. But she obviously loves you and I'm guessing close to you in age?. Not some 40+ someone who isn't planning her own family some day?

You've made big mess here but it's still fixable, even though it will cause some short term hurt and anger. (Be ready for that for there will be a lot of it I think!) Even if you were still in that old place... now you KNOW. To let it go ahead out of pitty or lack of courage to do the right thing is just plain wrong.

Part of being an adult is owning up t our mistakes even when it is difficult... especially when it is difficult. But continuing is NOT being nice to her, quite the opposite. It's taking away her chances for so much more in the future. If you love her like you say, do the right thing and be honest with her.

There are many ways of having a family for gay men today. Don't mess up some girls life, especially one you care about, just to satisfy some wish.

Sit her down, tell her the truth and then be strong and do what you know is the right thing. If she IS in love with you she's going to tell you all kinds of things but you know in your heart what the right thing to do is. Not the EASY thing, but the right thing.

You're standing at a crossroads and this decision is probably the most important one you have ever made. Choose wisely for all three of you. Don't steal her happiness to satisfy your dreams.

Tell her the truth and then stick to it. There's no easy way out.

All the best,
Michael

[Mark]

Heyyy and welcome to the site.

What a sticky situation your in..

Ok first of all id like to say if she was your best friend then deep down shes known your gay, as every 'best' friend does, and the fact shes trying to kid herself that something is going to happen is a bit weird, but alot of best friends mistake the feelings they feel for the other as something more than it is, I have done this with my current best mate, but my god no.

As to offering kids.. that was a low blow, the fact she has to bribe you with the one thing you want more than anything, but cant have, without her help for example makes me wonder if she was ever a mate? As I dont personally know how a mate can do that.

She gave up all that stuff to be with you? Ok I feel both of you are to blame, as if you were gay deep down you would know this and this relationship progressed way too fast, but on the other hand she knew that, she knew you were gay and sounds like a vunrable time which she planned her "attack". Its gonna be hard, but you didnt force her to give it all up? And she should know it could go wrong, especially rushing into things.

Simply going back to your old life cannot happen for various reasons, but you cant simply slip back.. its going to be hard for a long time, but your going to have to go through it all.

I recommend that you speak to her ASAP, save her from more heartbreak/embarressment. She needs to wake up and come back into the real world. You need to tell her all this, Sooner she knows, sooner things will get resolved, will be messy for quite a while but has to be done!

Sorry if this is wrong but thats my outside view, hope it helps x

[heavencanwait]

Hi all,

Thanks for your advice so far. I'm still sure that this is something that I really need to do. But I'm beginning to see that perhaps she was a bit nieve to think that it could work. we both were, so perhaps that will make the reality check a little easier.

To answer your questions, we don't have a child yet, and she is the same age as me.

I don't think that she conned me into the relationship my offering me kids, but I do agree that she perhaos turned a blind eye to the obvious.

I'll have to get right on it, but I might wait until after christmas.

Thanks again guys

Matthew x

[Shadow]

You're welcome - we're here if you need us, so if you want to come back and speak with us at ANY point, please feel free to do so !! mile:.

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[Mark]

Aye do so.