I need advice horribly bad. most confused person ever....

[helpmeplzzzzz]

Hello, I am a 22 year old guy living in the USA.
Here is my life delima, I dont know what to do.
When im extremely horny, I love guys, I see a guy im attracted to, and would do just about anything with them, and ive only had a few small encounters with a guy, but everytime I watch gay porn, or do something with a guy, after i cum i feel completley disgusting, I instantly feel disgusted out that i even looked at gay porn, or had thoughts about guys, It makes me sick to my stomach, and then once i get horny again, i all of a sudden just love guys again!
---
AND IF I COME OUT, THERE IS NO GOING BACK.
IM AFRAID TO COME OUT BECAUSE IF SOMEDAY I WANT A NORMAL LIFE WITH WIFE AND KIDS IT WILL BE TO LATE , BECAUSE ILL BE KNOWN AS THE GAY GUY IN MY TOWN, VERY VERY SMALL TOWN.
But with girls, I think there really hot, but even when i watch strait porn i cant get hard, even if a girl came up and showed me her boobs i dont think it would even make me hard, but I wanna be with a girl, and think being with a guy is disgusting, unless im horny.

They life i want is to be completly strait and marry a female and have a beautiful family some day, but i know it wont happen because I have no emotional connect with woman, and have only a connection with a man.


So my question is: If I can only emotionally be connect to a guy, and not a girl, but am disgusted with guys 1second after i cum, what do i do???

Im tired of being this confused, Do i go with a guy or girl???
Girl = Happy married life with kids , but no emotional connection with the girl.
Guy = Really happy, and really turned on, and would do anything for a guy, until i cum, then i instantly just feel repulsed by what i did, and wanna get away from that person instantly.. AWWW! why me?... sigh

[pellaz]

Just think of how bad it would be for you doing a back flip (leave your family for a gay relationship) when your married 2 kids. You need to figure this out before than. You might be too ridged and looking for labels. Think in terms of what your needs are. People tend to be fluid as well. Whatever try to be honest with your partner(s).

As you experience more you worry less what people think.
Part of coming out is starting the process with your self.

Porn, gay or straight, is not a measure of who you are, its choreographed to appeal the the masses and sell well. A gay man is someone who can maintain a successful same sex relationship. Yes this includes the sex but also a list of other things too.

being gay should not limit you if you want a family.

do you feel instantly feel disgusted when you get your self off? Try to experiment with your self to loose the feeling of disgust? The gay population has been around since the beginning and is not going away. No reason why it is any different.

[dfiant]

Never heard of a gay guy being in a 'HAPPY' straight marriage. Not unusual for a gay guy in a straight marriage to end up losing it all...wife, kids, family, friends.

I'm just saying.

You need counselling

[helpmeplzzzzz]

see what i mean...
I wanna be strait, and have a strait life
But i have gay feelings, but after i cum i feel repulsed by what i did...

what do i do!

[Pix]

You need to find peace with being gay. Your orientation isn't a choice you can make, it's just something to realize and learn to accept.

Normally I'd suggest that guys go to guys for problems over their sexuality but in this case (unless you're close to a LGBT center with counseling services) you might find a woman more useful as many women are taught to feel shame at their sexuality as well and thus sometimes experience the same thing you do (with men) so you might find more understanding and practical help from a woman than a man in this case. (ETA: Obviously I mean a counselor.)

[DarkDaisuke]

Follow what makes you happy ok. Screw what other people say. You have to live your life to where you'll be happiest ok

[Nick9]

Girl = Happy married life with kids , but no emotional connection with the girl.

I am reading this sentence over and over, but I can't find the happiness you are talking about.
She would not be happy, I assure you. And I sincerely doubt that you would.

Maybe moving out of your small town where everyone knows everyone, could help you accept who you are *hug*

[BobInTampa]

Well, if you can do this discreetly, i would see if you can find a gay-friendly mental health counseler with experience in helping folks deal with their sexual orientation. There's no magic pill, website or strategy that can resolve your issues.....oh, and you're one of MILLIONS of men (some already married, some not) who a living a dual life - and to be honest, NONE Of those guys living dual lives can do it for long before something happens. So, it's VERY GOOD that you recognize your dilmena, but you should get some help and advice on dealing with your feelings of disgust afterwards.

I'm no therapist, but lots of closeted gay men feel as you do after they have sex with a guy or watch gay porn - that's simply your subconscious sending you messages to turn OFF your attraction to men. It wants to protect you from harm so it floods your mind with feelings of guilt and disgust in an attempt to prevent you from doing it again. But, as you know, once the guilt goes away, the attraction and need for M2M contact returns - often stronger than before.

This is a viscous cycle that will continue until something big happens. I can be anything from your wife/GF finding emails or phone chats with guys, to something more dramatic like you catching an STD. Bottom line, you can live a lie, a dual life for only so long - eventually it's going to come out. that being the case, i'm NOT saying you NEED to come out. I am saying you should find someone to talk to about your feelings so you can take control ofyour life NOW before you make a decision (marriage, kids, etc) that you'll regret down the road and can be more painful for all involved.

[helpmeplzzzzz]

thanks for the advice guys, yes thats the problem
the shame and guilt after i finish up with porn or with another guy (mainly porn, because i always back out on acting with a guy because i know the guilt in my head that follows)
Its like im instantly repulsed 1second after i finish.
And Although I do find girls attractive, and want that strait lifestyle i feel no emotional connection with a female :\

and with girls i never think about things like STD's,
but anytime i could hook up with a guy, or mess around i back out
cause i always think what if i catch a disease or something, and then decide not to be gay anymore, and live a strait life.

i guess my brain is just flooded with questions, and I dont have the money, or guts to go to a counselor ,
i guess thats why im asking here tho :\

So i can tell the 100% truth and not be judged in real life

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Your a traumatized bi or gay man.

You have been traumatized by a society that makes it clear that gay feelings are not allowed and you have them.

Now you are fighting against two decades of programming - your inner needs and desires are running up hard against a wall of 'No' or 'Though Shalt Not...'

I think you haven't emotionally connected with a man because you have not allowed yourself to really explore that - after all that is gay, and its not ok to be gay - or so mommy, daddy, church minister, local society, peers at school have told you millions of times.

Being LGBT is natural - however our unnatural society based on myth-conception and half truths and thousands of years of a few men using and abusing religion to hold power over the masses has said its unnatural. Thus in the modern world many - if not most - LGBT struggle with the whole 'what am I?' question and struggle with attempting to find a balance between the straight expectations and their LGBT needs during the 'coming out' process.

I think we all struggle with the balancing the straight agenda with our LGBT needs - we just struggle with it a lot more before we come out of the closet and accept who and what we are and start really living our lives as who we are.

Ultimately I cannot define you for you. You can, if you want, pretend to be 100% straight, get married, have kids and live that lie. Or you can explore that side of yourself and try to find love in whoever's arms it happens to come in.

Porn is not a good way to measure your sexuality. - Who you love, who you are attracted too, who you can see yourself spending the rest of your life as a companion with - these sorts of things really determine sexuality. Porn is only about lust and sex.