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• Unsure about open relationship

• Unsure about open relationship

  Anonymous > 09-27-2016, 05:58 PM

  So, my fiance wants me to get laid, because he's not comfortable being physical with me due to a whole lot of emotional shit he's going through, and he was raped earlier this year.
  
  I'm hesitant to do this. He's allowing it so he doesn't feel guilty about not being sexual. He's been in open relationships before, I have not. He's not interested in pursuing any type of sex with anyone else. We're both back on hornet, looking for friends. We have always been open about everything. I trust him completely. He's getting over his trust issues with men in general, so I'd say he trusts me almost completely.
  
  On my end, we've been cuddling at night a lot more lately, and that is very satisfying emotionally. He's always frustrated when I try to make sexual moves with him. When we cuddle, he wants me to keep it to just cuddling, especially when we're trying to sleep. I've been fine with jacking off, either together, but mostly alone. It would be nice to have someone who would get me off, but I'd rather that be my fiance.
  
  So, advice? Having no trouble finding people who want to hook up. Just uncertain how this will effect our relationship, and how I feel about it at the moment.

• Unsure about open relationship

  IanSaysHi > 09-27-2016, 06:14 PM

  Anonymous Wrote:Just uncertain how this will effect our relationship, and how I feel about it at the moment.

  
  I'm sure there are guys here who maybe have experienced this kind of situation so I'll let them give more in depth advice, but the most important thing from my perspective is you feel unsure how you feel about this at the moment. Therefore I'd not just give it a go just yet unless you feel really positive and up for it. Maybe you'll try it and love being with another guy, but you may not especially if you feel uncomfortable from the outset. Just really consider if this is something you feel like doing yourself before doing so.
  
  I'm not sure if my advice helps but like I say, other guys here may have had some experience with this. Wish you all the best going forwards whatever you decide

• Unsure about open relationship

  TwisttheLeaf > 09-27-2016, 08:39 PM

  Ok. So I can put in my perspective from the victim side of things. Early in Gideon and my relationship, I was attacked and raped by my ex. And once [MENTION=20938]Gideon[/MENTION] wakes up, I'll ask if he'd be willing to come in and give his perspective as my partner through the ordeal.
  
  On the opposite side of the coin from your situation, IMO... Don't do it.
  
  Your partner's world is currently turned upside down. He's on unsteady ground and probably feels that his self worth is in question. He needs reassurance and stability. Sleeping with others is not going to provide these things, but has huge potential to further undermine what's already been turned unstable.
  
  I understand why he's offered. I did the same thing to Gideon. But, he needs to be assured (over and over again) that all you want is him, and that he's worth the wait. Not given proof of his doubts about his worth and importance to you.
  
  In retrospect, had Gideon took me up on the offer, it would have hurt me in a place inside that very well could have been permanent in a way the rape never did. Better to have lived through the guilt and used it as a motivation to work my way back to a healthy place, with Gideon's help every step of the way.

• Unsure about open relationship

  Gideon > 09-28-2016, 12:46 AM

  My advice, much as you might guess, would be to follow your gut...
  
  When Twist presented this offer to me after such a traumatic and horrible experience that was, even then, still traumatic and horrible...painful both for him and for me...to watch, to witness. It wasn't even an option in my mind. Not before he offered it, not during the offer or even after I'd -firmly- and without hesitation declined. Fucking someone else because he was hurting too much to get me off? Nah...wasn't ever gonna happen. Won't ever happen.
  
  And I think by this point in our relationship he KNOWS better than to offer again...
  
  I have what I want, I've no need or desire to go satisfy myself somewhere else. That's what I got a fist for...
  
  But that's how -I- felt, so the best advice I have for you man, is to follow your gut...if considering it feels wrong to you in any way...then it probably is. And the damage you could do if you take him up on it? Well you just can't take that shit back
  
  Ever

• Unsure about open relationship

  Anonymous > 09-28-2016, 03:22 PM

  OP here
  
  Thank you all for convincing me of what I know, that this would be a bad idea right now.
  
  

• Unsure about open relationship

  Gideon > 09-29-2016, 04:29 AM

  My other advice for you, man....be gentle with him. Be patient and reassuring. Try to understand what he's feeling and what he's going through...and there will come a day when he -does- reach for you again.
  
  I can't speak for your guy, but mine? He's always worth the wait. Always

• Unsure about open relationship

  Jonathan > 09-30-2016, 05:52 PM

  I am going to say dont do it. Trust me it won't he the same not to mention it puts you at a higher risk. You should tell him its ok. Part of relationships is going through the bad together and an open relationship could end your current relationship. It just makes things complicated.
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