09-10-2012, 03:31 PM
First off, know you're NOT alone in your situation! Unfortunatly it's way to common an issue that alot of new couples deal with (gay and str8 alike - yea, let's not bash gay men for just being whores).
Ok, now my advice. A couple things jump out at me. First, you know you should have had the "monogamy" conversation along time ago. You know the old saying, when you "assume" something you make an ass of you and me - and while it's tough to swallow, it's true. If you haven't had that specific conversation about the status of your relationship (not just about monogamy, but are you "seeing each other" or "just dating" or "dating exclusively?"). And then, yes, the monogamy chat needed to happen.
The second issue is your invasion of his privacy. Yes, you saw a text message on his phone so you weren' treally snooping at first, but then you DID go on his phone. You should have siezed the opportunity after that first text message and asked him when he got out of the shower, "Honey, you got a text message while you were in teh shower from some guy named XXXXX..i wasn't snooping, i just looked over when it appeared on the screen, and it sure sounded like he was hitting you up for sex." See, that would have given him the opportunity to explain things (it may have been a fuck-bud from the past who was making a booty call request - simple as that) - and it would have given you 2 the chance to talk about monogamy.
Now, it's past that so here's the problem. if you bring up monogamy and use those text messages as proof of your concern about him cheating (and NOT having had the discussion) he may just get pissed and bolt. ANd while it may sound like he's avoiding the subject, your invasion of his privacy will overshadow the issue at hand and he could easily say, "I'm not cheating and i never met with these guys who i used to have sex with, but since you can't trust me, i'm gone."
So what are your options? HAVE THE DATING/MONOGAMY chat without including the text messages. If he loves you and is a stand-up man, and wants to "be exclusive and monogamous" then all you have to do is reinforce your feelings on trust and monogamy - i told my BF when we discussed being exclusive and being monogamous, that i had a "zero-tolerance" for cheating - and he agreed. So, if he does want to be with you alone and be monogamous - i would suggest you both agree in a zero-tolrerance policy.
Oh, here's anotehr thing...when my partner and i agreed to being exclusive and monogamous, we exchanged each otehr's email, Facebook and phone passwords. I mean, if you have nothing to hide, then doing that shouldn't be an issue - if he balks, then you need to talk more about trust and cheating.
Unless you actually caught him with a guy, you can't accuse him of cheating (unless you've left out some important facts here)...so to bring up your fears and concerns is unfair - that ship has already left and you can't grow your trust level.
You have to decide if you want to WORK at your relationship and that starts with communication.
Finally, understand that you know from his past that he was a "player" and probably had alot of sex with alot of different guys who were just looking for a sexual friendship. THose guys don't care he's dating you - they just want a piece of ass....but your man may want to retain the freindships without the sex.
Again, unless you have solid proof he's cheated or is cheating, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt!
Ok, now my advice. A couple things jump out at me. First, you know you should have had the "monogamy" conversation along time ago. You know the old saying, when you "assume" something you make an ass of you and me - and while it's tough to swallow, it's true. If you haven't had that specific conversation about the status of your relationship (not just about monogamy, but are you "seeing each other" or "just dating" or "dating exclusively?"). And then, yes, the monogamy chat needed to happen.
The second issue is your invasion of his privacy. Yes, you saw a text message on his phone so you weren' treally snooping at first, but then you DID go on his phone. You should have siezed the opportunity after that first text message and asked him when he got out of the shower, "Honey, you got a text message while you were in teh shower from some guy named XXXXX..i wasn't snooping, i just looked over when it appeared on the screen, and it sure sounded like he was hitting you up for sex." See, that would have given him the opportunity to explain things (it may have been a fuck-bud from the past who was making a booty call request - simple as that) - and it would have given you 2 the chance to talk about monogamy.
Now, it's past that so here's the problem. if you bring up monogamy and use those text messages as proof of your concern about him cheating (and NOT having had the discussion) he may just get pissed and bolt. ANd while it may sound like he's avoiding the subject, your invasion of his privacy will overshadow the issue at hand and he could easily say, "I'm not cheating and i never met with these guys who i used to have sex with, but since you can't trust me, i'm gone."
So what are your options? HAVE THE DATING/MONOGAMY chat without including the text messages. If he loves you and is a stand-up man, and wants to "be exclusive and monogamous" then all you have to do is reinforce your feelings on trust and monogamy - i told my BF when we discussed being exclusive and being monogamous, that i had a "zero-tolerance" for cheating - and he agreed. So, if he does want to be with you alone and be monogamous - i would suggest you both agree in a zero-tolrerance policy.
Oh, here's anotehr thing...when my partner and i agreed to being exclusive and monogamous, we exchanged each otehr's email, Facebook and phone passwords. I mean, if you have nothing to hide, then doing that shouldn't be an issue - if he balks, then you need to talk more about trust and cheating.
Unless you actually caught him with a guy, you can't accuse him of cheating (unless you've left out some important facts here)...so to bring up your fears and concerns is unfair - that ship has already left and you can't grow your trust level.
You have to decide if you want to WORK at your relationship and that starts with communication.
Finally, understand that you know from his past that he was a "player" and probably had alot of sex with alot of different guys who were just looking for a sexual friendship. THose guys don't care he's dating you - they just want a piece of ass....but your man may want to retain the freindships without the sex.
Again, unless you have solid proof he's cheated or is cheating, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt!
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