Feeling a bit overwhelmed and confused

[raphael]

Welcome to GS.

Instead of worrying and wondering, why not flip it around and consider it knowledge? You want to know your boyfriend, right? You love him and want to know where he has been and what he has done, to become this wonderful person that he is today. To know him, you need to know his backstory, with as many gory details as possible.
I L O V E hearing about my husbears conquests, in bed or otherwise. I know he only has eyes for me, so hearing that he has been satisfied before me (even if it wasn't as good *flex*), makes me feel better. I feel guilty for not having been with him always, which is silly, right? But hearing about it makes me feel better, as if I was always there. As if I have been a part of his entire life.

Do I really need to point out that there's a reason his previous open relationship ended? Clearly he wasn't into whatever arrangement he had with that other guy. There's no harm in you hearing the details, in fact, you can even learn from that other guy's mistakes.

About the weird guilt after looking at porn, that depends on your relationship. Just talk about it. Is it ok with him that you watch porn? Does he watch porn? If you both watch porn on occasion, but still have sex regularly, what's the big deal?
If he watches porn, but doesn't like the idea of you watching porn, then you're the one who should run for the hills

thanks so much for this, lovely and insightful.
will take this on board.
as for the porn, i think it would be okay with him, i think its more me..
ive had a bit of a problem with it for some time, i was kind of raised on porn. like puberty hit as porn became a thing, so its more about me finding a balance with it.