Gay men, relationship-phobia, and genuinity

[MikeW]

I'll show who I am, but I don't think it makes a difference as far context. Folks on here who remember me know I've talked about this in the past. I'm still pretty much stuck in the same rut I always have been.

I just don't care anymore. I'm depressed, and finding less reason to eat right or keep up with exercise. I know (so they say) that you have to love yourself first, yadda yadda. I just have no motivation to find out how to "make it happen".

I come from work and just lie down. No one to talk to or care. It feels like the only reason I go to work is to help pay off my stupid never-ending student loans. I don't see the reason to be social or to go out anymore. There's no point.

Basically, I feel like I only do things to keep stuff from sucking worse, rather than propelling me forward.

Sorry, this isn't so much a reply as it is more ranting. I'd rather it here than social media. Thanks for listening.

Well, if all you want to do is rant, moan, whine and complain, fine. We humans can always find something to complain about.

Its just that from my POV, I don't understand why anyone would want to stay stuck. Why they'd have no motivation to change. Don't get me wrong. I understand depression from the inside out. I know first hand how debilitating and de-motivating it can be. I *grew up* depressed. I stayed depressed through much of my 20s into my 30s. It took FOREVER for me to get a handle on it. But I *did* get a handle on it. I also had a lot of help doing so.

I assume you know, however, that no one can change you. You wouldn't let them even if they tried. Right? No one can just walk into your life and make it all better. There is no magic potion. (Well, there are psychedelics and they're the closest thing to "magic" I know... they DO change you temporarily... shoot you totally outside of your normal eg0-structure and then let you settle back into it. The journey can be of value to some, but they don't FIX or CURE anyone.) There's only one person who can even begin to change you, and you know who that is as well as I do. The thing is, he has to begin. Somewhere. Sometime. Somehow. He has to really look at himself. His life. Really understand that everything that is his life right now -- well, he did that. You put it in place. You set it up. NO ONE ELSE. And if you're not happy with it, it isn't anyone else's fault. Yeah, "the gay community" is fucked up... but why is that? And what does it have to do with YOU, your responsibility to your own life?

So.. *shrug* not my life. Not my problem. Been there done that. Yada Yada indeed.