10-21-2010, 02:30 PM
Matt is a 'child of abuse'.
I'm sorry but you picked yourself a 'broken toy'. He is going to require more love, more patience and more understanding than a person who never was abused requires.
Do start pushing him towards therapy, counseling - gently and not too hard, if he balks let it rest, then try again in 1-2 months. Eventually he is going to need to face the emotions that abuse causes. If he doesn't deal with those emotions they can turn into self destructive activities, alcoholism, drug abuse, cutting, and even 'mining' the relationship you two have for failure.
YOU need to get into therapy yourself - might as well do it now, there are going to be 'strange' things happening, mixed signals, perhaps even what appears to be your relationship going down the toilet. If you want to be with Matt and if you really love him, then you need to get a therapist who can listen to you and your side of what 'goes on' and hopefully the therapist can tell you a little of what may be going on in Matt's head and heart so you can see a little more clearly if its the past abuse that is the problem or a present relationship issue.
The fact is, Matt is a broken toy now, and he will never, ever be totally fixed. Even after decades of therapy, he will not be 'normal' in the sense that you are, unless you are a child of abuse yourself then you really don't need to hear anything I have to say.
Your anger, although justified, will not go down well with your relationship. Do not call him a conniving slut or any other 'ill tempered words'. Most likely The Ex used similar words, and when you use them all you will do is put Matt right back in the past at the height of the abuse.
"Truth" for victims of abuse is a slippery thing. They will tell lies to prevent more pain, or to stop potential abuse. The lies are self preservation, and will often not make much sense. However he 'needs' these until he can understand what happened to him and understand how the abuse is still affecting him in every aspect of his life.
Guilt plays a huge roll in the victim's actions and reactions. That guilt will no doubt be misplaced by a normal persons point of view, but it is very real for him and it will cause all manner of 'weird' reactions that you might not understand.
Just because he has moved in with you does not mean things are OK. Unresolved issues of abuse have a tendency of 'echoing' in a person's mind. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but eventually he will start having nightmares, perhaps even start screaming in his sleep and not even knowing he is doing it. 'Triggers' will set him off, events, scents, sounds will cause him to 'flash back' to a particularly 'bad event'. This will eventually manifest as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If it hasn't already started to manifest.
With physical abuse leaving scars, Matt will forever be reminded of that abuse. Each time he sees the scar his brain will whisper in his ear the words he heard when the injury took place, he will see the event play back again. He may not say anything, he may not react in any manner you can notice, but it will be there.
While he may (most likely) be in love or falling in love with you, he is most likely terrified that if he commits he is opening himself up for more abuse.
Do not be at all surprise if he physically pulls away when you start showing affection, do not be surprised if he can't say 'I love you'. Don't be too shocked if everything seems perfectly find one night, then the next night he wants nothing to do with you and shudders or shuns you. These types of behavior are typical for people who are abused.
As your relationship deepens and you spend more time together, expect periods where it seems like he doesn't' want to be with you. No its not you, its what the ex did. And asking Matt 'Am I doing something wrong' could get any answer but the right one.
Yes, most likely he does see you as his Knight in Shining Armor. However you need to be vigilant and point out every scratch, ding and rust spot on that armor. He must be made to face the reality that no matter how sweet and kind you are you are a human being and are prone to the errors that all humans are prone too.
Does he have a job or an income of his own? If not you may want to have him get at least a part time job.
The reason being is that his ex most likely didn't allow him to work. Yeah the Ex might have said 'I'll take care of you baby' but the real motive was to get Matt totally dependent on him, to where Matt couldn't afford to 'run away'.
Matt will need to have the financial freedom to run - this will build up a lot more trust than all of the I Love Yous you can say. Letting him have a job, and his own bank account will give him a sense of ability to bug out if you turn out to be another 'The Ex'.
Victims of abuse are always - ALWAYS terrified that the abuse will happen again, no matter who they are with. Thus establishing patterns that are opposite of the typical abuse situation empowers the abused and gives them assurances that they are safe.
Matt will most likely measure everything you do against what his ex did. He may not say it, but he is thinking about it. This is NOT a reflection on you, it is a reflection of what he has been through.
Living with a person who has been abused, either as a child or as an adult is not easy.
If that person is not seeking professional help, it is even less easy.
I know through my own personal experiences. I am a broken toy myself.
However I am in a long term relationship, we are pushing 20 years pretty hard now. During those 20 years I have had to work pretty hard to get my past under MY control, it wasn't easy, and I was reluctant for the first part of my adult life.
It has grown easier, yet I still have flash backs, I still 'take it out' on my domestic partner. I am blessed to be with a man who is able to take the extra time to 'try' to understand me in my 'moments'. While it tears him up when I wake up screaming at night, he has learned how to 'deal with it. While he pretty much shrugs it all off and will smile and say 'its all good', I know it hasn't been easy for him.
My point is that this relationship of yours is possible to be a long term one, and even a life long one. however it will require a bit more work and you most likely will have to pick Matt up and carry him a few years until he is ready and able to start dealing with 'the crap' he has been through.
I'm sorry but you picked yourself a 'broken toy'. He is going to require more love, more patience and more understanding than a person who never was abused requires.
Do start pushing him towards therapy, counseling - gently and not too hard, if he balks let it rest, then try again in 1-2 months. Eventually he is going to need to face the emotions that abuse causes. If he doesn't deal with those emotions they can turn into self destructive activities, alcoholism, drug abuse, cutting, and even 'mining' the relationship you two have for failure.
YOU need to get into therapy yourself - might as well do it now, there are going to be 'strange' things happening, mixed signals, perhaps even what appears to be your relationship going down the toilet. If you want to be with Matt and if you really love him, then you need to get a therapist who can listen to you and your side of what 'goes on' and hopefully the therapist can tell you a little of what may be going on in Matt's head and heart so you can see a little more clearly if its the past abuse that is the problem or a present relationship issue.
The fact is, Matt is a broken toy now, and he will never, ever be totally fixed. Even after decades of therapy, he will not be 'normal' in the sense that you are, unless you are a child of abuse yourself then you really don't need to hear anything I have to say.
Your anger, although justified, will not go down well with your relationship. Do not call him a conniving slut or any other 'ill tempered words'. Most likely The Ex used similar words, and when you use them all you will do is put Matt right back in the past at the height of the abuse.
"Truth" for victims of abuse is a slippery thing. They will tell lies to prevent more pain, or to stop potential abuse. The lies are self preservation, and will often not make much sense. However he 'needs' these until he can understand what happened to him and understand how the abuse is still affecting him in every aspect of his life.
Guilt plays a huge roll in the victim's actions and reactions. That guilt will no doubt be misplaced by a normal persons point of view, but it is very real for him and it will cause all manner of 'weird' reactions that you might not understand.
Just because he has moved in with you does not mean things are OK. Unresolved issues of abuse have a tendency of 'echoing' in a person's mind. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but eventually he will start having nightmares, perhaps even start screaming in his sleep and not even knowing he is doing it. 'Triggers' will set him off, events, scents, sounds will cause him to 'flash back' to a particularly 'bad event'. This will eventually manifest as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If it hasn't already started to manifest.
With physical abuse leaving scars, Matt will forever be reminded of that abuse. Each time he sees the scar his brain will whisper in his ear the words he heard when the injury took place, he will see the event play back again. He may not say anything, he may not react in any manner you can notice, but it will be there.
While he may (most likely) be in love or falling in love with you, he is most likely terrified that if he commits he is opening himself up for more abuse.
Do not be at all surprise if he physically pulls away when you start showing affection, do not be surprised if he can't say 'I love you'. Don't be too shocked if everything seems perfectly find one night, then the next night he wants nothing to do with you and shudders or shuns you. These types of behavior are typical for people who are abused.
As your relationship deepens and you spend more time together, expect periods where it seems like he doesn't' want to be with you. No its not you, its what the ex did. And asking Matt 'Am I doing something wrong' could get any answer but the right one.
Yes, most likely he does see you as his Knight in Shining Armor. However you need to be vigilant and point out every scratch, ding and rust spot on that armor. He must be made to face the reality that no matter how sweet and kind you are you are a human being and are prone to the errors that all humans are prone too.
Does he have a job or an income of his own? If not you may want to have him get at least a part time job.
The reason being is that his ex most likely didn't allow him to work. Yeah the Ex might have said 'I'll take care of you baby' but the real motive was to get Matt totally dependent on him, to where Matt couldn't afford to 'run away'.
Matt will need to have the financial freedom to run - this will build up a lot more trust than all of the I Love Yous you can say. Letting him have a job, and his own bank account will give him a sense of ability to bug out if you turn out to be another 'The Ex'.
Victims of abuse are always - ALWAYS terrified that the abuse will happen again, no matter who they are with. Thus establishing patterns that are opposite of the typical abuse situation empowers the abused and gives them assurances that they are safe.
Matt will most likely measure everything you do against what his ex did. He may not say it, but he is thinking about it. This is NOT a reflection on you, it is a reflection of what he has been through.
Living with a person who has been abused, either as a child or as an adult is not easy.
If that person is not seeking professional help, it is even less easy.
I know through my own personal experiences. I am a broken toy myself.
However I am in a long term relationship, we are pushing 20 years pretty hard now. During those 20 years I have had to work pretty hard to get my past under MY control, it wasn't easy, and I was reluctant for the first part of my adult life.
It has grown easier, yet I still have flash backs, I still 'take it out' on my domestic partner. I am blessed to be with a man who is able to take the extra time to 'try' to understand me in my 'moments'. While it tears him up when I wake up screaming at night, he has learned how to 'deal with it. While he pretty much shrugs it all off and will smile and say 'its all good', I know it hasn't been easy for him.
My point is that this relationship of yours is possible to be a long term one, and even a life long one. however it will require a bit more work and you most likely will have to pick Matt up and carry him a few years until he is ready and able to start dealing with 'the crap' he has been through.
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