10-18-2010, 03:06 PM
Hey there Indecisive,
wow, it sounds like you just lived a mirror-image of my relationship in the early days, some of these thoughts had me nodding in recognition! and I just want you to know that mismatches can work out. I'm gonna be flattering and say that you sound like an intelligent person who has his own ideas about the world and life in a philosophical sense; it's hard to explain these to people who just like take life as it comes.
My boyfriend was from a very working class background, had a bad upbringing for the most part financially and educationally speaking; I asked him once and he told me he'd never read a book for pleasure in his life. I'm not a snob or an academic but that was one thing that really made me realise how different we were. A lot of people consider intellectual thought and culture a waste of time. No big deal, I thought.
*laughs* and yes, I've had the "I don't give a shit." responses to things too, although mine normally accumulates in him saying "ahhh..." in response, which bugs the hell out of me. He'd rather tell me a bad joke about chickens that's borderline retarded then talk about something that was bothering him, I know how frustrating it can be. People have a lot of different ways of dealing with things, and based on your description it sounds like there may be times when he just doesn't want to offend you or challenge you (because he doesn't want to hurt someone he loves) so being indifferent is a good and safe option. I'm guessing this is where the puppy dog eyes get used!
There are some contradicitons here too - at first you mentioned how you are quite opposite in terms of your interests, then later you go on to say that you are very similar people when it comes to world views. There's an old saying 'familiarity breeds contempt' which seems rather apt here, albeit negatively. To me you're approaching the Chris Rock boyfriend freakout stage. Let me explain-
you're sitting on your sofa/couch with your partner, watching some lame friday night TV. A few months have passed since the start of your relationship. Suddenly your partner turns to you and says "hold on baby, just let me slip this off" and roars like a hellbeast, pulling off an entire body mask to reveal a grotesque slavering 8 foot tall monster next to you.
"wow, you look really... different" o.O
The point? all this is just a metaphor...at a certain stage in a relationship you strip down the layers of a person until you realise who they really are. You have just reached that stage and you're reading into every aspect of your lovable and beautiful slavering monster. Sure he's covered in drool and unpleasentness, but he did agree to watch your favourite film with you.
You're also discovering what you look for in another partner through this person. Picking up on things you find desirable and less-so. Whilst it may also be a facet of your desires, trust me, someone being macho, bullish and indifferent is really something you only want for a fraction of the time.
You aready have the gold, and now you want to epxerience the shit; most people end up experiencing this the other way round - a series of rough and hurtful casual relationships until they find someone like you already have. Trouble is this doesn't stop you worrying.
The problem I see is that you need a 'context' to show you that you actually have a pretty awesome boyfriend. You should (joking..) hook up with some guys from Craig's list or Grindr who will screw you around and not call you back, leave you feeling cold and alone, that kinda thing. Trust me, these guys are out there, and they won't want to know your feelings about the world or philosophy.
The last thing is patronising but it's supposed to make you confident - you are young ... the most valuable commodity in the whole world, that anyone can bestow. You have something nobody else can take from you, and something everyone desires, time.
This is your first relationship; everybody has one, and sadly 95% of us end up leaving one with a heavy heart, I don't envy you mate *hugs*
Personally I don't want to tell you to move on, because deep down beside his flaws he sounds like a decent guy. The question is, is he TOO decent for you with your current desires and wants? Despite all the pain, people do recover from these things, and it's all part of growing as a person and learning to get what you want from life. My parents sired me from two seperate relationships, I'm the son of heartbreakers. Life moves in mysterious ways.
Talk to him about it, how you're not happy and why... it's not gonna be easy but it lets him understand why you act the way you do, and any decisions you might make. Trust me, from being broken up with myself, it's alot easier when you understand why rather than just dealing with a lot of mystery. Good luck mate, chin up x
wow, it sounds like you just lived a mirror-image of my relationship in the early days, some of these thoughts had me nodding in recognition! and I just want you to know that mismatches can work out. I'm gonna be flattering and say that you sound like an intelligent person who has his own ideas about the world and life in a philosophical sense; it's hard to explain these to people who just like take life as it comes.
My boyfriend was from a very working class background, had a bad upbringing for the most part financially and educationally speaking; I asked him once and he told me he'd never read a book for pleasure in his life. I'm not a snob or an academic but that was one thing that really made me realise how different we were. A lot of people consider intellectual thought and culture a waste of time. No big deal, I thought.
*laughs* and yes, I've had the "I don't give a shit." responses to things too, although mine normally accumulates in him saying "ahhh..." in response, which bugs the hell out of me. He'd rather tell me a bad joke about chickens that's borderline retarded then talk about something that was bothering him, I know how frustrating it can be. People have a lot of different ways of dealing with things, and based on your description it sounds like there may be times when he just doesn't want to offend you or challenge you (because he doesn't want to hurt someone he loves) so being indifferent is a good and safe option. I'm guessing this is where the puppy dog eyes get used!
There are some contradicitons here too - at first you mentioned how you are quite opposite in terms of your interests, then later you go on to say that you are very similar people when it comes to world views. There's an old saying 'familiarity breeds contempt' which seems rather apt here, albeit negatively. To me you're approaching the Chris Rock boyfriend freakout stage. Let me explain-
you're sitting on your sofa/couch with your partner, watching some lame friday night TV. A few months have passed since the start of your relationship. Suddenly your partner turns to you and says "hold on baby, just let me slip this off" and roars like a hellbeast, pulling off an entire body mask to reveal a grotesque slavering 8 foot tall monster next to you.
"wow, you look really... different" o.O
The point? all this is just a metaphor...at a certain stage in a relationship you strip down the layers of a person until you realise who they really are. You have just reached that stage and you're reading into every aspect of your lovable and beautiful slavering monster. Sure he's covered in drool and unpleasentness, but he did agree to watch your favourite film with you.
You're also discovering what you look for in another partner through this person. Picking up on things you find desirable and less-so. Whilst it may also be a facet of your desires, trust me, someone being macho, bullish and indifferent is really something you only want for a fraction of the time.
You aready have the gold, and now you want to epxerience the shit; most people end up experiencing this the other way round - a series of rough and hurtful casual relationships until they find someone like you already have. Trouble is this doesn't stop you worrying.
The problem I see is that you need a 'context' to show you that you actually have a pretty awesome boyfriend. You should (joking..) hook up with some guys from Craig's list or Grindr who will screw you around and not call you back, leave you feeling cold and alone, that kinda thing. Trust me, these guys are out there, and they won't want to know your feelings about the world or philosophy.
The last thing is patronising but it's supposed to make you confident - you are young ... the most valuable commodity in the whole world, that anyone can bestow. You have something nobody else can take from you, and something everyone desires, time.
This is your first relationship; everybody has one, and sadly 95% of us end up leaving one with a heavy heart, I don't envy you mate *hugs*
Personally I don't want to tell you to move on, because deep down beside his flaws he sounds like a decent guy. The question is, is he TOO decent for you with your current desires and wants? Despite all the pain, people do recover from these things, and it's all part of growing as a person and learning to get what you want from life. My parents sired me from two seperate relationships, I'm the son of heartbreakers. Life moves in mysterious ways.
Talk to him about it, how you're not happy and why... it's not gonna be easy but it lets him understand why you act the way you do, and any decisions you might make. Trust me, from being broken up with myself, it's alot easier when you understand why rather than just dealing with a lot of mystery. Good luck mate, chin up x
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