11-29-2011, 03:41 PM
I don't really know how to begin. This is a really, really lost post. I'm sorry for the super long post but I just need to spill what I'm feeling right now.
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Around 11.40 am, I gave my female friend who works on the 29th floor a call. I told her that I will drop by to her office to pass Christmas paper bags. I work on the 27th floor.
My original plan was to give Christmas paper bags to my colleagues, next door companies on my floor and also to few other people who work in the same office building - I consider these people as friends. Casual friends.
So there I was on the 29th floor carrying 7 Christmas paper bags containing candies. She greeted me.
I told her that all of these Christmas paper bags are for her and another 6 guys that I know.
She said that I shouldn't have prepared these paper bags.
"It's not a big deal." I replied.
"No, really, Jay. They will not accept it."
I was confused.
"Remember those Halloween paper bags that you gave to me? You asked me to pass those bags to all the guys. They rejected them."
"Why?" I became more confused.
She then took me to a more hidden side of the main hallway to have a private conversation.
"I don't want to tell you this because it's going to hurt you. But you need to know, Jay."
"What?"
"They made fun of you."
"What do you mean by that?" I asked.
"Remember the (love) letter that you gave to Chris early this year?"
"Yes, I just came out at the time. I was still inexperienced and excited ... wait, how did you know that I gave him a letter?" I was surprised.
"He read the letter out loud to everyone in the office. Everyone in the company knows about you and the letter, Jay. Our managers. Boss. Everyone. Chris and the rest then made fun of you."
My good spirit immediately flushed out from my body. I was completely drained out on the spot. I wanted to burst into tears but thankfully I managed to control myself.
"It was a personal letter. Why did he tell everyone about the content of my letter?"
"I don't know, Jay. I scolded him afterward. I told him that he should have confronted you personally instead of telling everyone about it. He then joked and gloated on how he already has a fiancee."
"But he flirted with me ..."
"Jay, remember what I told you that what goes around, comes around. His fiancee broke up with him few months later. It wasn't because of you though" She continued.
"How about Sam?" I asked her.
Sam was the first guy that I made friend with from that company. He joined his company approximately at the same time I joined mine. I had a crush on Sam but instantly dropped that feeling after I found out that he is straight. I always consider him as a very friendly pal and a brother.
"He also rejected the Halloween bag and made fun of you." She said.
"But all of them act nice and always said hi to me. Well, except for Chris after I gave him that letter."
"That's how they are, Jay. They act nice in front of you and make fun of you at behind."
"How about Shawn?" Shawn is another guy that I consider as a good friend that I know from that company.
"Remember when you asked for his telephone number... Shawn joked about how he already has a boyfriend."
I was dumbfounded.
I wasn't trying to flirt with Shawn. I already know that he has a boyfriend and he has told me that before as well. I asked for his number because I consider him as a good friend. I wanted to ask him more on gay stuff as I have sought for his advice on gay stuff few times before.
The letter that I gave to Chris contains a lot of sensitive stuff that I have never told anyone. I even confessed to him that I had problem trusting guys because I was sexually bothered by few of my clients when I used to work in a video production company. I also told him that I am a virgin. I even told him about my relationship with the rest of my family. And few other more.
Yes, I was super dumb for confessing all of these to him but I was still an inexperienced, naive and excited gay guy who just came out at the time. I thought Chris is a really nice guy.
"...So what should I do with the other 6 paper bags? Hold on, how about Nick? Is Nick really a nice guy? He even said thanks to me for giving him the Halloween paper bag." I asked her. Nick is Chris' best mate and he is straight.
"I guess you can give it to him. But what if he doesn't want it, Jay?"
"You can take it ..."
We said goodbye. She went back to her office and I went back to the main hallway to wait for an elevator. Then Shawn appeared out of nowhere from behind.
"Hi Jay."
Oh hell, he heard everything. He was outside of the office as he went to the rest room. My friend and I didn't see him as we had our conversation at a hidden side of the main hallway.
"Hi Shawn." I replied uncomfortably. I avoided eye contact with him.
He stood few steps behind me whilst I was waiting for an elevator. He was waiting for an elevator as well.
We then got it into an elevator. I didn't speak a word to him in the elevator as I was a bit messed up. Shawn stood beside me. We weren't alone in the elevator. There were two ladies inside. They saw the Christmas paper bags that I was holding.
The girls said they would love to have those Christmas goodies. They were joking of course.
My mind wasn't functioning at its best at the moment. I took a quick look at Shawn. He gave a little smile to the ladies. Shawn knows that one of the paper bags was meant for him.
I reached my floor and left the elevator hastily. I did say goodbye to Shawn but he didn't reply.
I went straight to my manager's office, Alvin to ask for his advice. I'm close to all of my colleagues. They know about my sexuality, my family etc. Alvin and the rest of my colleagues are like my second family. They protect me from practically everything.
He was angry at Chris after I told him what has happened on the 29th floor. He asked me not to cry several times, which I didn't. Well I almost but I didn't. He asked me to forget all of these guys as they are not worthy to friend with.
Then one by one my colleagues including my boss asked why I was so down. I eventually spilled out the story. They were not happy as well. They asked me to just forget and ignore those guys.
Sure, I can move on but I'm slowly losing faith towards people. I don't know who I can trust and should I trust. I don't know if it's worthy to be nice to people. I got screwed by many continuously. First it was Jamie. Then these guys. I also don't know why I keep on bumping into jackass and douche guys. I'm giving up in finding a guy. I've had enough.
My heart has pretty much shattered into pieces and all of these happened few days before I'm going to have a massive surgery. Oh, joy.
I know that my wound will eventually heal but I don't think I will be the same anymore.
As for Chris, I never thought someone can stoop so low. What he did was monstrosity cruel and rude.
P/S: Now it makes sense why their boss kept giving me a disapproval and disgusted look at me. He used to smile and asked how I was doing. He must think I am a slut or whore.
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Around 11.40 am, I gave my female friend who works on the 29th floor a call. I told her that I will drop by to her office to pass Christmas paper bags. I work on the 27th floor.
My original plan was to give Christmas paper bags to my colleagues, next door companies on my floor and also to few other people who work in the same office building - I consider these people as friends. Casual friends.
So there I was on the 29th floor carrying 7 Christmas paper bags containing candies. She greeted me.
I told her that all of these Christmas paper bags are for her and another 6 guys that I know.
She said that I shouldn't have prepared these paper bags.
"It's not a big deal." I replied.
"No, really, Jay. They will not accept it."
I was confused.
"Remember those Halloween paper bags that you gave to me? You asked me to pass those bags to all the guys. They rejected them."
"Why?" I became more confused.
She then took me to a more hidden side of the main hallway to have a private conversation.
"I don't want to tell you this because it's going to hurt you. But you need to know, Jay."
"What?"
"They made fun of you."
"What do you mean by that?" I asked.
"Remember the (love) letter that you gave to Chris early this year?"
"Yes, I just came out at the time. I was still inexperienced and excited ... wait, how did you know that I gave him a letter?" I was surprised.
"He read the letter out loud to everyone in the office. Everyone in the company knows about you and the letter, Jay. Our managers. Boss. Everyone. Chris and the rest then made fun of you."
My good spirit immediately flushed out from my body. I was completely drained out on the spot. I wanted to burst into tears but thankfully I managed to control myself.
"It was a personal letter. Why did he tell everyone about the content of my letter?"
"I don't know, Jay. I scolded him afterward. I told him that he should have confronted you personally instead of telling everyone about it. He then joked and gloated on how he already has a fiancee."
"But he flirted with me ..."
"Jay, remember what I told you that what goes around, comes around. His fiancee broke up with him few months later. It wasn't because of you though" She continued.
"How about Sam?" I asked her.
Sam was the first guy that I made friend with from that company. He joined his company approximately at the same time I joined mine. I had a crush on Sam but instantly dropped that feeling after I found out that he is straight. I always consider him as a very friendly pal and a brother.
"He also rejected the Halloween bag and made fun of you." She said.
"But all of them act nice and always said hi to me. Well, except for Chris after I gave him that letter."
"That's how they are, Jay. They act nice in front of you and make fun of you at behind."
"How about Shawn?" Shawn is another guy that I consider as a good friend that I know from that company.
"Remember when you asked for his telephone number... Shawn joked about how he already has a boyfriend."
I was dumbfounded.
I wasn't trying to flirt with Shawn. I already know that he has a boyfriend and he has told me that before as well. I asked for his number because I consider him as a good friend. I wanted to ask him more on gay stuff as I have sought for his advice on gay stuff few times before.
The letter that I gave to Chris contains a lot of sensitive stuff that I have never told anyone. I even confessed to him that I had problem trusting guys because I was sexually bothered by few of my clients when I used to work in a video production company. I also told him that I am a virgin. I even told him about my relationship with the rest of my family. And few other more.
Yes, I was super dumb for confessing all of these to him but I was still an inexperienced, naive and excited gay guy who just came out at the time. I thought Chris is a really nice guy.
"...So what should I do with the other 6 paper bags? Hold on, how about Nick? Is Nick really a nice guy? He even said thanks to me for giving him the Halloween paper bag." I asked her. Nick is Chris' best mate and he is straight.
"I guess you can give it to him. But what if he doesn't want it, Jay?"
"You can take it ..."
We said goodbye. She went back to her office and I went back to the main hallway to wait for an elevator. Then Shawn appeared out of nowhere from behind.
"Hi Jay."
Oh hell, he heard everything. He was outside of the office as he went to the rest room. My friend and I didn't see him as we had our conversation at a hidden side of the main hallway.
"Hi Shawn." I replied uncomfortably. I avoided eye contact with him.
He stood few steps behind me whilst I was waiting for an elevator. He was waiting for an elevator as well.
We then got it into an elevator. I didn't speak a word to him in the elevator as I was a bit messed up. Shawn stood beside me. We weren't alone in the elevator. There were two ladies inside. They saw the Christmas paper bags that I was holding.
The girls said they would love to have those Christmas goodies. They were joking of course.
My mind wasn't functioning at its best at the moment. I took a quick look at Shawn. He gave a little smile to the ladies. Shawn knows that one of the paper bags was meant for him.
I reached my floor and left the elevator hastily. I did say goodbye to Shawn but he didn't reply.
I went straight to my manager's office, Alvin to ask for his advice. I'm close to all of my colleagues. They know about my sexuality, my family etc. Alvin and the rest of my colleagues are like my second family. They protect me from practically everything.
He was angry at Chris after I told him what has happened on the 29th floor. He asked me not to cry several times, which I didn't. Well I almost but I didn't. He asked me to forget all of these guys as they are not worthy to friend with.
Then one by one my colleagues including my boss asked why I was so down. I eventually spilled out the story. They were not happy as well. They asked me to just forget and ignore those guys.
Sure, I can move on but I'm slowly losing faith towards people. I don't know who I can trust and should I trust. I don't know if it's worthy to be nice to people. I got screwed by many continuously. First it was Jamie. Then these guys. I also don't know why I keep on bumping into jackass and douche guys. I'm giving up in finding a guy. I've had enough.
My heart has pretty much shattered into pieces and all of these happened few days before I'm going to have a massive surgery. Oh, joy.
I know that my wound will eventually heal but I don't think I will be the same anymore.
As for Chris, I never thought someone can stoop so low. What he did was monstrosity cruel and rude.
P/S: Now it makes sense why their boss kept giving me a disapproval and disgusted look at me. He used to smile and asked how I was doing. He must think I am a slut or whore.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
