Horribly Humiliating. I'm Losing Faith with People.

[Jay]

Hi everyone.

First day after what happened

I was down. My mind was racing with a lot of questions. Heartbroken and more.

I took a monorail to go to work on that day. I then realized my female friend was in the monorail as well. But she didn't see me. We then reached our station. She still didn't see me when she stepped outside the monorail. I followed from behind walking slowly. I didn't have the strength to say hi to her.

She eventually saw me when both of us were about to cross a road. But I looked away. She understood the gesture and both of us walked separately.

I couldn't stop thinking about the whole thing whilst walking towards my office building. I thought maybe I can change my personality. I believe I can be mean and selfish too.

Once I reached my office building, I was greeted by one of the security guards with a warm smile. He waved at me. "Good morning, Mr. Jay."

'Don't smile, Jay...don't smile. Be mean." I said quietly to myself.

But I ended up smiling back as usual. "Good morning, boss. How are you doing?" I replied.

Then another security guard also greeted me with a smile. I replied him with a smile and with my typical morning greet, "Good morning, boss. How are you?"

My God, you suck at being a mean person.

It was 7.30 am. I was alone in my office as usual as our working hour starts at 10 am. I reach my office early because I like to go for a run before I start my work.

I changed to my running clothes. I did my warm up in our meeting room as the whole room is covered with glasses. I can see the city view beautifully from this room. Usually I dance for approximately 20 minutes in the meeting room after doing a warm up. But not on that day.

I just sat on chair with my head down closed to my knees. I felt tired. I was gloomy. Last thing I know, tears started to drip.

I don't have the power to 'fight' 6 guys plus the other workers in that company. How can I defend myself? How can I clear my name out?

Then I remember my female friend, who I walked away from that morning. I reached my Iphone and sent her a message. I apologized to her for walking away. I explained to her that I was too ashamed to talk to her. I told her that those guys hurt me a lot.

I then proceeded with my morning run.

Once finished, I returned back to my office building. I was again greeted by the other security guards, janitors, few work mates who work in the same office building and 2 workers who work in the lobby's convenience store.

I always stop by at the convenience store after my run to buy mineral water, milk and raisins for my morning oatmeal. The workers know my name and I know theirs. "Good morning, Jay. How was your run today?" One of them asked.

I replied. I also gave both of them a smile. A weak smile but hey, it was still a smile.

I kept thinking about the whole 'I want to be mean and selfish' thing whilst waiting for an elevator to go back to my office. I realized that I wasn't born to be that kind of person. I'm a nice guy. Horribly nice and can be utterly naive sometime. But that's just how I am and most people like me the way I am. If I change that means I am defeated by those scumbags. I just need to be more alert and be less naive.

That night, well after 12 am, I received a text from my female friend.

She apologized for the late reply as she was busy with her job. She asked me not to be sad. She asked me to be friends with people who can accept me as a person. She called those guys - pigs. She said pigs only know how to keep themselves dirty and others' around them. She also said that I don't need fake people in my life.

She gave me a call on the next day to ask how I was doing. We talked for a few minutes. I apologized to her once again for walking away on the other day. She asked me to continue to say hi to them if they say hi. Just to be polite.

I soon realized that I may have lost 6 so called friends but I have made and strengthened my friendship with one. That one friendship is much more worthy than the other 6.

I'm still confused and heartbroken. I still can't imagine how they were able to make fun of me behind my back. I can't understand why Chris can't confront me face to face. I don't understand why Chris must spilled off my letter to everyone in his office and tarnished my name. I don't know if Shawn and Nick are truly part of those scumbags because my heart tells me that both of them seem like nice guys. But then again, I'm not always right. People can be fake and be deceiving.

This whole stuff is hard for me to carry all by myself but life must go on. I have to do everything within my might to move on.

Nevertheless as I've said before, I am done with guys. At least for now. I would like to remain single for a year or two. Unless a miracle happens and suddenly Prince Charming appears. Then we'll talk.

Anyways thank you to everyone for your supports and warm wishes. I appreciate your advices and positive messages. I'm thankful to have you guys around when I'm in need.

Well I'll be heading to hospital tomorrow around 2 pm and off for a surgery on the next day at 8 am. My surgery will end at around 3 pm.

Take care everyone.