Horribly Humiliating. I'm Losing Faith with People.

[Jay]

Hi guys,

I'm just going to use the old thread that I've made as I'm going to post the same subject.

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Appointment with Surgeon

Last Wednesday, I went to see my surgeon as he wanted to remove stitches, to check my progress and to discuss the next surgery.

I originally wasn't allowed to run for six months but my surgeon changed his mind after he noticed my speed recovery.

I returned to stairs climbing exercise on the third week after the surgery. I was stubborn and wasn't comfortable to leave exercise for a long period of time. Thankfully my body approved my stubbornness.

I've slowly went back to running on last Monday. I jogged slowly and wasn't sprinting as my spine still feels kind of stiff. I jogged for 100 meters and then swapped it with 100 meters of brisk walk. I continued to swap between these two cardios for 30 minutes.

I have also returned to weight lifting. Nothing heavy though.

Physically I feel great right now.

Next Surgery

The next surgery will be on 21st May 2012. I will be admitted into hospital on 20th May 2012.

Unlike the first surgery, the second surgery will involve most parts of my body. The second surgery is also meant to resume the unfinished surgery from the first.

According to my surgeon, the second surgery will take approximately 6 hours to complete. Less an hour from the first surgery. Surgery will begin at 9 am.

If my second surgery cannot be completed within the time frame, my surgeon will have to schedule and arrange for third surgery.

Unexpected Sacrifice

I was planning to keep this to myself but what the heck, it doesn't matter anymore.

My surgeon told me that I will have to sacrifice something in order to make the second surgery successful.

One part of the second surgery is to fix my chest. In order to fix my chest, he has to reposition my nipples. Unfortunately the only way he can reposition my nipples is by making new holes on my chest, cut off my existence nipples and sew them onto the new holes.

He has to cut all the nerves that are connected to my nipples.

As a result, my nipples will no longer able to feel any kind of sensation after the surgery. My new nipples are just mere chest decoration.

I was stunned when he told me this. I gave him a nervous laugh. But I have no other choice but to go for it.

Fell Hard

Mentally, I was down for the past two weeks. Sure, I smiled and laughed in front of of my friends but inside, I was tumbling down.

To make it worse, I kept bumping into those bastards (Chris and his friends) in my office building. They just returned from their Christmas holidays.

Last Monday, I shared elevator with Sam. He gave me a tiny smile. I looked at him blankly for a few seconds and then went back to play my game on my Iphone. For the first time, I didn't say hi and goodbye to Sam.

Yesterday, I had to share elevator with Nick. I wanted to take a different elevator but he saw me first.

Nick gave me a broad smile and went, "Hey!". He held the elevator for me to step in. Nick then went chatty with me. I restrained myself from being talkative. I guess Nick then noticed my strange attitude that he eventually stopped. Our elevator ride turned awkwardly quiet.

I felt kind of guilty towards Nick. Nick has always been friendly to me. But I do not know the level of his sincerity after I found out the whole thing. Besides, he is Chris' best friend.

During lunch time, I went to a supermarket that is located nearby to my office. I was browsing for tea when Chris and Nick suddenly appeared from nowhere. They were few feet away from me. Chris said something to Nick and then Nick looked at me. Chris then dashed away leaving Nick. I ignored Nick. I know that Chris said something about me but I had no idea what it was as I was listening to my Ipod Touch. Do I care? Honestly, no. What a bitter person he is.

Sorting Out

There are too many things that taking place in my life right now. I'm doing my best to sort everything out.

One thing that I have to admit right now is I'm scared. I'm not scared of the upcoming surgery (Touch wood). I'm scared of other things. As much as I want to talk about it, I can't. I can't talk about it to anyone. So I will keep it to myself and do my best to solve the problem by myself.

Another thing that I would like to point out - Last year, I was smacked , trashed and betrayed by a lot of so called friends and people around me. I think I can blame my naive attitude for that. I trust people too easily. In a way, this whole thing really hurts me but it will never change the person I am. Yeah, I have become more alert, cautious and wiser but I am still me.

If I may share something that I'm very proud of - I'm currently sponsoring a kid who lives in a poor country via NGO (Non Government Organization). I'm supporting my kid financially every month. So uh ... even if my life doesn't go the way I expect it to (Touch wood), at least I can help to change someone else's life for the better.