Dealing with negative partners

[Sil]

I find it interesting that you two have been a couple for 5 years yet still live in your own places.

"....all this and he wants us to move in together and get a civil partnership."

I take it then that this means you are the one with commitment issues, problems with giving up YOUR flat, YOUR life and taking on OUR House OUR life....

I suspect that his stoney silences and his not addressing the issue(s) directly may be because he feels someone is not 100% totally committed to the us part.

Basically you are just a person on the lift. Seems to me you are merely dating and still courting and not fully 100% committed to a relationship. So how is he to feel 100% comfortable to telling you every/any thing? 5 years to figure out if you are going long term and really want a long term partnership is a very long time.

So add to the list of his 'angst' his uncertainty that the man he loves loves him back 100%.

Again, 5 years is a long time to be 'undecided' about the relationship. Why should he invest himself emotionally to you if all you are doing is still dating? I bet he has major problems with the calendar ticking off the years and you and he still just dating. He most likely hasn't said much because he is hoping things will change. Then throw in a few losses and suddenly he feels overwhelmed.

Understand that the loss of a job is considered as stressful as the loss of a loved one. http://news.health.com/2009/02/12/job-lo...tress-tag/ goes into depth about that particular stress point. It is not just a loss of work, its a loss of financial freedom, a loss of personal identity, a loss of structure and in the extreme it is a loss of purpose and meaning in life.

That is major loss. Yet you understand?

" ....blames the world, the system; anything but the fact he wallows in his own self-pity and lethargy.""

Self pity and Lethargy or Depression?

I assume you made a professional diagnosis here and ruled out depression....

Something to read on depression: http://www.webmd.com/depression/depression-men

Couple that with the loss of a job:

“People might be aware of the stress of job loss, but I don’t think they’re aware of the impact it has on their life,” said Dr. Carole Lieberman, a psychiatrist at the University of California, Los Angeles, Neuropsychiatric Institute. “Any loss results in depression and anger. Those are two things that people who’ve lost their job will feel.”
http://news.health.com/2009/02/12/job-lo...tress-tag/


Again I ask, do you really understand where he is? Do you?

I'm sorry but I find this rather assumptive and rude! what a spiteful, arrogant way to read into a situation...

Firstly, If you'd bothered to ask we haven't moved in together because I have a tenancy contract here with my brother for at least another six months, and it is actually my partner who is hesitant about us making the next step after my asking because of a lack of funds to keep us independent and comfortable.

I'm actually pissed off right now that you're suggesting I'm not supportive of and commited to my partner. How would you even know that, truthfully? Ask yourself that. From a message I just typed? you know nothing about me or him.

I hadn't even considered it might be depression so thankyou for your wikipedia diagnosis... In my perfect world I have, oddly, lost jobs and family members myself and had similar emotional issues, to suggest I might be small-minded and selfish enough to consider a depressive disorder as a 'nothing' over my own freedom and happiness is not only patronising but insulting. I know we haven't ever met or chatted, but wow. I seem to have zero credit.

I've been wondering for years how odd it is that we are not living together, and hoping that it changes. Could it be to do with the fact that he's leapt into flatshares with partners before and had very bad experiences? Nope, you didn't bother to ask. Could it be because we'd have to live in a council house in a homophobic squalor neighbourhood, and he doesn't want that? Of course not. I suppose it could be any number of things that you suspected were just my fault, for my own percieved self-righteous happiness. I've done nothing but be there for him and you suggest this is somehow my lack of commitment and understanding? the gall of it is amazing. I suggest you get your facts before you jump in next time. Sorry to everyone else who offered welcome advice here.