We broke up but we still live together and treat like partners. Is it ok?

[Zurdoknoc]

Me and my ex were together for 3.5 years. Was rocky. He is 20 years older than me. He broke up with me because I said not the right things to him at the right moment. He comes from an verbally abbuaif was relationship and he says I remind him of his ex. Not everything has been wrong. I've been a great partner eventhough our age difference. I am 39. He is 58. I miss him. We treat eachother well. We cook for eachother. I take care of his things. We don't have sex or phisicall contact but we interact very well. I still pay half of the bills and rent. This has been going on for 6 months now. I made a comment to one of his kids referring to me as "his partner " and that triggered an argument with him. He made it clear we are done. I'm hurt. But I still love his company and being around him. I don't want to move out. I have hope he can come back. Everything has been peaceful bit I am confused because sometimes he has referred to me as his partner. His brother killed himself this year. His priorities are others and I've been supportive. I am really confused and not sure what to do

[matty7]

Im not surprised you are confused right now , is the fact that you are still living together for financial reasons only ? if he broke up with you did he ask you to move out ? if not then maybe he still needs you in his life but not as a bed partner.
Has he lost other members of his family while you were together ? or maybe the loss of his brother has made him think about loosing you, especially if he's dwelling on the age gap and that you may leave him ? its just a thought...but maybe he's ending it with you out of fear,
If things are ok living together as friends then hang in there and maybe he may want you back....Hopefully some of the wise men on here can give you some good advice

[Zurdoknoc]

He never asked to move out. I will eventually since I am saving for a small condo. We are not living together for Finantial reasons. Our financials are separate. He tends to get rid of off people and he is a stubborn person who doesn't gives second changes. I messed it up saying things to him he considered offensive but I apologized and never did it again. I guess the relationship just got dried and well not sure if it could be back to normal again. I think of this as a marriage. Sometimes are bad times sometimes are good times. Sometimes Time will tell. Thanks for your kind words

[MikeW]

... I am really confused and not sure what to do

Well, you're not the only one. Your OP is confusing. I even wondered if you were drinking when you wrote it.

If you (not just you but anyone reading this) want "clarity" in your relationship, you first of all have to have clarity in yourself. You have to know what is true for you. What your personal "truth" is. I harp on this over and over again on this forum. Know your truth.

If you can begin to do that, then you can begin to know what you want and what you want to do. That doesn't necessarily men you will GET what you want, but at least you'll know what it is and be able to move in a clear, direct way, rather than meandering all over the place like a drunken boat loose from its tether.

If I know what I want and can say it, then the person I'm saying it to can say what they want. Either there is a "mesh" or there isn't. Either there is room to negotiate what we both want, or there isn't.

The ideal is a "win / win"... we both get what we want... or some part of it. But it often happens that we don't get what we want... or only one side gets what he wants. At that point, the one who does not get what he wants has to work at letting go, moving on, accepting the fact that he just isn't always going to get what he wants. Most humans find this difficult to do. We continue to pine after what we want, even though we've been clearly told we're not going to get it... or at least not from the man we think we want it from. But that "hanging on", "not letting go", "not moving on," whatever you want to call it, is a CHOICE. We're closing to make ourselves miserable.

IDK about you but I find doing so worse than a waste of time. It's actually self destructive.

[CellarDweller]

I can't imagine living with someone who told me they didn't want to be with me anymore.

I can't see how you can move on in that type of situation. Only my opinion, but I think you need to move out as soon as you can.

[Camfer]

I think people are forgetting how long this situation has been bad for you and great for your ex. You pay half his mortgage but have no equity, he gets to say mean things to you whenever he feels like it, he didn't loan you money when you needed it, and he gets to pursue other guys right under your nose. Nothing's gotten much better since you first posted in November 2014, and it had been bad for a long time before you got on here to post.

So 14 months later it seems like you have made some progress in saving up to get your own condo. That is a great start. Perhaps it's worth calculating if you can save money faster by getting into a modest studio apartment now.

[Shooter]

Yeah, I was in a similar situation years ago. Boyfriend broke up with me, but we still lived together for over six years after that. Six years! It was torture.

A few months after the breakup, he announced he wanted to try again, but that didn't last long. We both started dating. It didn't matter that I was seeing a lot of guys...I was still into him and only focused on the misery that seeing him with other guys brought me.

We lived together mostly for financial reasons and because we had known each other for so long. But the jealousy over seeing other guys (despite him being the one to break up, he was jealous of my dates as well) really ruined our friendship. I would never want to be in that situation again.

A few things:
1. He broke up because of something you said? This is a little lame. Words are cheap. We say a lot of things we really don't mean. A lot of what we say can be misinterpreted. I know it's all over and done with, but that seems like a bad reason to break up with someone. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
2. If you are contributing to the expenses, he may be using you. True, he may still enjoy your company but he might enjoy it a lot less if you weren't contributing financially.
3. STOP hoping he will come around and get back with you. I don't know the situation well enough to know if there's any chance he will, but it doesn't sound good from what you've written. I had those hopes for years and it eroded my self worth and self esteem. Continuing to live with him will only delay and complicate the process getting over him.
4. Think it hurts now? Wait until he starts bringing guys home. You don't even know the meaning of pain until that happens. What makes it so much worse is it's happening in your own home. You won't have a safe place to escape to if you need to get away.

I feel for you dude. This is a hard thing to go through. If you want to hear all my horror stories about my experience with this situation, feel free to ask.

[Shooter]

Yeah, I was in a similar situation years ago. Boyfriend broke up with me, but we still lived together for over six years after that. Six years! It was torture.

A few months after the breakup, he announced he wanted to try again, but that didn't last long. We both started dating. It didn't matter that I was seeing a lot of guys...I was still into him and only focused on the misery seeing him with other guys brought me.

We lived together mostly for financial reasons and because we had known each other for so long. But the jealousy over seeing other guys (despite him being the one to break up, he was jealous of my dates as well) really ruined our friendship. I would never want to be in that situation again.

A few things:
1. He broke up because of something you said? This is a little lame. Words are cheap. We say a lot of things we really don't mean. A lot of what we say can be misinterpreted. I know it's all over and done with, but that seems like a bad reason to break up with someone. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
2. If you are contributing to the expenses, he may be using you. True, he may still enjoy your company but he might enjoy it a lot less if you weren't contributing financially.
3. STOP hoping he will come around and get back with you. I don't know the situation well enough to know if there's any chance he will, but it doesn't sound good from what you've written. I had those hopes for years and it eroded my self worth and self esteem. Continuing to live with him will only delay and complicate the process getting over him.
4. Think it hurts now? Wait until he starts bringing guys home. You don't even know the meaning of pain until that happens. What makes it so much worse is it's happening in your own home. You won't

[Zurdoknoc]

I don't pay half of his mortgage. Pay rent and half of the utilities and I pay for cable

[Zurdoknoc]

He is the type of person that never forgives and forgets. He remembers and gets bitter and mad when he talks about things his exes did to him. Yes I said wrong things during arguments. But offered an apology. He cannot get over that. And that happened more than a year ago. And yes. I am just a roomate now. Because of my commute to work and his early bed time we barely see eachother during the week. On the weekends will be the challenge. I'll try to stay out or in my room working. I don't think I will bring guys because I am not that type of guy when I am a roomate. He is a monogamous one. And he is 58 years old. He is not sexual and I don't see him bringing other people. His brother killed himself Thos year. Emotionally he is still mourning and not ready to date or hook up. I was always there for him but it has been his choice to leave.