Is the age of nice guys with values dead?

[LateBloomer]

Mark, while I understand where you are coming from and what you are looking for, I've got to admit that I've learnt a lot about other people on these forums and how different values go for different people and especially how gay people might view intimacy and sex in a very different way from what we are largely taught by society to expect (in a straight relationship). It's difficult to shirk off those ideas and to come to grips with the reality of the scene. People can sometimes be shallow and only interested in a shag, even people who would normally not go for just a shag might end up (out of despair or just being fed up with going without sex) doing it, just to feel alive or to boost their ego and get an idea of their power to seduce.

Different things will happen at different ages and in different social situations. So, ok hooking up with someone in a sauna, or going out to a bar and being hit on by men interested only in a shag may be distateful to you, and you're entitled to have that opinion, but I think your view is greatly influenced by society's expectations and this sort of unattainable dream of meeting Prince Charming. It's probably a good thing not to be too unrealistic.

I'm not saying Prince Charming won't happen to you, nor that Mr Right won't some day appear in your life. I'm just saying that building a relationship is work, to some extent, and also letting another person with different points of view and considerations come into your life. Then it's also about some form of compromise. The question then raised is: how much of this person's differences am I ready to let into my life and my personal sphere? There is also that time of latency during which neither of you will quite know what's happening and whether it is a budding relationship or not... Those are unsteady times.

I'm sure there is someone out there who has similar views to yours and who is looking just for a person such as you are. We just need to accept that not all men are alike, which does make the choice of a partner potentially difficult.

I also believe that people who have finally come to terms with being gay have let down an important barrier, one which, in other circumstances would have reined them in to some extent. It may also explain some of the reckless and sometimes self-harming behaviour in which some part of the gay population engages. Many of us haven't had the opportunity to sow our wild oats as teenagers and are finding these thrills later on in life. It does make for a rather 'ungrounded' population, one less likely to want commitment and a serious relationship. Are men just dogs? Some are, some aren't.

This is a brilliant post, and the younger members of GS are fortunate to have someone with your experience and perspective sharing his thoughts.

But if I may?


If I could modify just one idea in your post it would be the very last one. And I would ask, "Are men just dogs?"

My answer: I have been an angel; I have been a dog; I'm trying to be a man.

As my profile states, I'm a walking-talking contradiction.

I have been all those! Virgin for DECADES! A dog for a few years...

Now, feeling as if I've fully explored the spectrum of my sexuality, I'm focused on settling down.

THE POINT IS: In order to find a compatible partner we need to find someone who is on a similar trajectory; someone who can sail in the same direction for the long term.

THE PROBLEM with relationships is when people on different trajectories come together briefly but there isn't sufficient "gravity" or "magnetism" or whatever that mysterious force is that causes people to continue in the same direction for years (obviously with continual adjustments until death do they part, or it's decided to part ways).