Wanting the guys we know are bad for us

[Sherlock]

I share the frustration of the post. In every relationship, I have tried to learn some lesson. I have been very clear in my mind "I will not fall for that [insert trait] again". Then, several months later, I find out the exact same situation has happened again. We are drawn to traits we feel we are lacking (brain chemistry). Obviously, we are so fabulous that our brains compensate by attracting assholes. �� Men are beasts... but they smell so good. The flame will burn the moth, but it looks so warm.

[TigerLover]

Seems to me like it's just an attraction to strength.

Bastards are generally confident self-assured people who aren't apologetic about getting what they want.

Those are very sexy traits.

[Pyromancer]

The problem is that insidious little thing called hope...Maybe this guy will be different...Maybe things will be different this time...Maybe he's changed. And we know better...the logical part of our mind KNOWS BETTER...but...

I've just done it myself. It seemed like there was the possibility of a tiny thaw in the ongoing War with my husband...I started thinking, Maybe it means something. I started thinking of him, this man I've loved for so long, and let myself wander into the Maybes and the What-Ifs...the possibilities...

Of course, here in the real world, Mr. Hyde took center stage and kicked Dr. Jekyll to the curb...the thaw froze back into a slippery slope...and here we are.

They say that hope springs eternal. Right now, I'm in the mood to beat it back down with a shovel

[Bowyn Aerrow]

This is more of a rhetorical rant than anything but it's something I'm currently going through and it's always fun to see what answers, comments and follow up questions you guys come up.

The main question: "Why do we always seem to want (and sometimes fall in love with) the guys that don't want us? The guys that would rather lie than tell the truth. The guys that would rather sleep around instead of settling with one guy. The guys that repeatedly toy with our feelings and emotions and accept no responsibility or show any remorse for doing so.
Why do we seem to always fall for the assholes/players/charmers in life? What makes them so damn desirable and so freaking difficult to let go, move on from and forget?

It's almost maddening. We spend so much time thinking about them, trying to convince them that we are worth it. They keep us from moving on, keep us wrapped into this mindset of "why don't they appreciate me" and ultimately keep us from meeting better guys that have everything we do actually desire. Those guys that will treat us with the respect and compassion we seek.

There's my psychological, philosophical rant. Have a good rest of the weekend guys!

1. Usually the hotter a guy is the more he knows it and uses this as a weapon to et what he wants. Usually. There are a few really "hot" guys who have no clue they are hot and end up adorable... naive, but adorable.

2. Most (not all) men are basically piggish. I'm sorry I just lied there, all guys are basically pigs. The straight world has them as well, however Woman keeps them in line... usually, often, well all the time when it comes to Divorce rates... well... Gay and bi males don't have to buy into the confusion of a guy having 100 mates is a stud while a gal with 5 or less is a slut. This all ties into the biological design of males of the species homo sapience.

3. We find the complaint that men are arseholes, pigs, cheaters, blah blah blah the further into the future we slip. Mind back in the 1970's the 'ideal' male was "average" now we have all of these pressures defining beauty as this thing that the majority cannot attain. This has lead to a generation more obsessed with the unattainable, thus leading most of us to seek out a very narrow range of potentials, which takes us back to number 1.

2. The 21st century brings us connectivity which brings us 31 flavors of choices. Back in the stone age we had three flavors (if lucky) to choose from. The more choices we are given the most likely we are to choose wrong.

3. To human is to err.... that is a ageless issue, we all make mistakes and now days we are able t make far many more mistakes because we have a throwaway society which allows us to go through people like toilet-paper.

Imagine growing up in a world were you didn't go more than 20 miles from your home, you met maybe a few thousand people. What you had to choose from you had, and you made "it" work. Ergo divorce was lower (not just religious or society pressure, lack of new potential mates), you didn't complain about the little stuff and lots of the big stuff. Today we can throw out an expensive device because of a crack or a flaw, we do the same for humans.

Its not so much that people have gotten worse at being people, we just got a lot more picky and assume that there was this ideal "better" in the days of the past. There wasn't, people were still animals, just today we are lead to believe that we can trade in a flawed one for another and deserve or should expect better.

[Jimmy5635]

Talking from personal experience and not having done extensive studies of doctorates, but it has either been "accepting the love we think we deserve" or simply just wanting something interesting, something that's either off-key or out of the norm, and most often enough the "bad boy" or person we're envisioning is just out of the norm that they're special. My ex was special till I found out he was just an entitled rich kid with dad issues and wasn't the idol I envisioned. Now I don't want to go that way, I'd rather be comfortable with someone than feel like I'm standing in the presence of someone that I can't anticipate their next move. I want someone I can get to know, in a positive manner.

[eastofeden]

The premise of falling in love with guys who don't want us is a mutual thing.

As I worked in a gay bar for almost 20 years and talked one on one and in groups to thousands and thousands of gay men in that time - I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt if you are saying this about someone else there is someone else saying this about you as well. 

The way out is just to own that you are most likely picking them on purpose and the common denominator is you - not them.  The solution is to develop a better relationship with yourself and deal with whatever past issues have brought you to this point so you can resolve them and understand your attraction and evolve and let it go.

Living in the present and looking forward to the future is an optimal and worthy goal I think. 

It is always a bad idea to blame "that guy" for being who or what he is and deciding he is good or bad because if you are taking his inventory without taking your own - that is always about you. 

Also an uncomfortable truth is what you don't like in someone else is often just a projection of what you don't like about yourself. If you learn to spot it and own it with humility you will most likely arrive in your own life alot quicker!

I am in a soon to be 34 year relationship with my soulmate. We are married and we both had to own alot of shit to become who we are today and to evolve so I have lived what I am suggesting and learned along the way. It was worth every single minute. 

I agree with meridannight's insight - To clarify, there is no such thing as 'bad' guys or 'good' guys. Good and bad doesn't exist.